Prerecorded

[TranquillityBase]

Windows opened
to the rain,
cats wander the house
yowling at the unforeseen,
distant train passes 
through weather
I cannot see.

Traffic sounds intrude
like original sin,
birdsong redeems
the lightening sky,
cow-pen daisies
materialize
inside my eyes,
I say goodbye
on a keyboard of lies.

[Semicircle]

Windows swung open                   
to the rain,
cats wander the house
yowling at the unforeseen,
distant train passes              It could be the echoes of a train. Train echoes pass?
through weather
I cannot see.      The rhyme of unforeseen and see is weak. I would consider rewording.

Traffic sounds intrude           I read this as "interlude" since you have an orchestra going on here. This would also align with original sin in the next line.
like original sin,
birdsong redeems
the lightening sky,                Brightening would work better. I thought the sky was still lightninging, to put it stupidly.
cow-pen daisies
materialize
inside my eyes,
I say goodbye
on a keyboard of lies.

I thought the monorhyme in S2 was too much, but since this is a more upbeat poem, I would chalk it up to excitement. It got me pumped.

A lot of the events seemed cause-effecty and didn't lead into each other fluidlike.

Distant train and traffic sounds are bland. Exaggerate em' a little

Happy autumn!
Sc

[TranquillityBase]

Windows swung open                   
to the rain,
cats wander the house
yowling at the unforeseen,
distant train passes              It could be the echoes of a train. Train echoes pass?  
through weather
I cannot see.      The rhyme of unforeseen and see is weak. I would consider rewording.

Traffic sounds intrude           I read this as "interlude" since you have an orchestra going on here. This would also align with original sin in the next line.
like original sin,
birdsong redeems
the lightening sky,                Brightening would work better. I thought the sky was still lightninging, to put it stupidly.
cow-pen daisies
materialize
inside my eyes,
I say goodbye
on a keyboard of lies.

I thought the monorhyme in S2 was too much, but since this is a more upbeat poem, I would chalk it up to excitement. It got me pumped.

A lot of the events seemed cause-effecty and didn't lead into each other fluidlike.

Distant train and traffic sounds are bland. Exaggerate em' a little

Happy autumn!
Sc

Thanks Sc,

Lots of good points here.  The poem is definintely too passive as it stands although I'm proud of the last two lines, the rest is just a mood piece.  "Distant train" borders on cliche, but it's what I was hearing as the night turned to day.  "echoes" is nice but is it an echo if you don't make the sound youself, or it's not repeated?  Had the same thought about lightening but it's all about the light so I don't want to lose that root.  I can easily get rid of the weak rhyme.  Don't know if you can use interlude as a verb but I'll have to check on that; it'd be interesting to do even if it's grammatically illegal.  

Thanks for taking the time to critique.

TqB