Revision 2

When the power turns back on,
electricity courses through these walls; veins
reanimate our hearts from the devastating
days.  Nights we stared at the memories,
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled;
the silence.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world.

'Go ahead,'
I said,

the joke being you never would.
You did;
now the fridge is cold and empty.

I miss the silence






Revision

When the lights turn back on
electricity courses through these walls, veins
and restarts our hearts from the devastating
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled
the power of silence.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world.

'go ahead'
I said

The joke being you never would, 
you did.
Now the fridge is cold and empty
and I wish it could just be silent.




Original

When the lights turn back on and electricity
courses through these walls and veins
and warms our hearts from the devastating
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled.
No telling when the lights will come on.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world.

'go ahead'
I said

The joke being you never would, you did.
Now the fridge is cold and empty
but the lights will never come back on.

(10-10-2021, 11:21 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  When the lights turn back on and electricity
courses through these walls and veins …. “electricity courses” is cliche 
and warms our hearts from the devastating … veins retuning blood to the heart….nice parallel 
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled. …. The line starts with “when”. The sentence is incomplete
No telling when the lights will come on.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world.

'go ahead'
I said

The joke being you never would, you did. …. Abrupt. Not enough of a backstory. A bit too much of a sob story at this point. With some more background, maybe the reader would be sufficiently invested in the narrator and the wife.
Now the fridge is cold and empty
but the lights will never come back on. …. Or the other way around - the lights will come back on but the fridge will remain cold and empty?

Is this a Todd piece or a piece written in Todd’s style?

My motivation is to give Todd false memories of having written it himself. I'll sneak this poem into his notebook in his vault and when he comes across it he'll think to himself, 'didni write this? I must have written.this'.

His vocabulary is considerably richer than mine but I feel like he uses common household items to show relationship strains a few times, I thought about working in a DC comic character, like 'Freezes Fridge' or something. I know it's in intensive but my goal is to edit it through every suggestion and see what happens. Maybe I could work 'cod' in somehow, Todd's codpiece

I don't think Todd repeats himself as much as I did pretending to be him,

Hi CRNDLSM,


When the lights turn back on and electricity
courses through these walls and veins……. (I might be inclined to enjamb on “on” in L1 and start off L2 with electricity editing out “and” – just a suggestion)
and warms our hearts from the devastating…. (It might just be me, but when reading L4 I’m anticipating a different word other than “warms”… maybe "restart" or "resuscitates" might fit the bill. I’m not quite sure. )
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled….(I like the image here in L6-L7)
No telling when the lights will come on….(Perhaps the poem might have started with L8 and then work up to the supposition as to what might happen when the electricity comes back on.)

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world. ….( I like this. How very apropos in this age of smart phones and the internet.)

'go ahead'
I said

The joke being you never would, you did. …(Maybe “you did” might merit its own line.)
Now the fridge is cold and empty
but the lights will never come back on. ….(I agree that this turn in the rhetoric is a bit abrupt. I think as reader I need to see more to become more invested in the poem’s trope)



I apologize for taking liberties with the poem. The backdrop to this is an interesting twist to this trope. This pome is very apropos…In these past 19 months of pandemic-induced reclusiveness many of us have had to face each other perhaps in ways that we may never had to before. I enjoyed considering this. Best of luck with any revisions. Thanks.

Cheers,

Beowulf

Thanks Beowulf I made some changes

Hi CRNDLSM,

I think you almost nailed it. The only change(s) I might make if this were mine is/are as follows:


When the lights turn back on
electricity courses through these walls, veins
and restarts our hearts from the devastating -(perhaps reanimates our hearts providing respite from the devastating…)
days, nights we stared at the memories
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled
the power of silence.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world.

'go ahead'
I said

The joke being you never would, 
you did. (I might make this a compound sentence with a semi-colon at the end of S4L1 and add the conjunction “but”)
Now the fridge is cold and empty
and I wish it could just be silent.


I enjoyed reconsidering this. Ideas for you to keep or discard. Best of luck with this.

Best,
Beowulf

Hey CRNDLSM,

Well, thank you for this done in the "style of me" poem. There are some echoes I recognize.

To the poem:

You've made some solid adjustments to the piece. Here are some thoughts around your latest revision.

The title is interesting. Cold Refrigerator would normally be a good thing. In the context of the poem and as a metaphor, I'm taking it to represent the solitary person alone and the end of a relationship.

(10-10-2021, 11:21 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Revision 2

When the power turns back on,
electricity courses through these walls; veins
reanimate our hearts from the devastating--We start with the personifying of the refrigerator. While the cause could be some physical disaster like a hurricane that feels like backdrop and setting. The power turns back on simply signals that whatever the disturbance or the pain brought be "devastating days" is over. Reanimate our hearts is interesting phrasing. You think of movie monsters (perhaps they became that to each other--the worst was brought out of them by the situation). That their hearts needed to be reanimated implies their hearts suffered a type of death. It's sort of the world snapped back into place and we are forever changed by it.

I'm not a big fan of adjective tags that stand alone like "devastating" They always feel a bit too abstract to me. It isn't awful just a bump in my personal reading.
days.  Nights we stared at the memories,--I wonder if you can slightly draw out how they stare at memories.
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled;
the silence.--Your word choice does a good job of setting the mood. I think it could benefit from a bit more clarity though you have a lot of abstract words that cause me to have a hard time adding emotional resonance too (memories, blank, irritated) Not having an issue with the words necessarily just need some slight help unlocking them so the tension will build. I don't know if I'm making sense.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where--I'm taking the no where as a deliberate spelling such as no place to actually go.
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences--perhaps draw sequences out slightly. I think I see where you're going but if feels slightly vague.
of events that shut down the world.--like this line. also I read this as actual events and the specific world of the couple in this poem.

'Go ahead,'
I said,--I take this as a challenge to leave the relationship.

the joke being you never would.
You did;
now the fridge is cold and empty.

I miss the silence--I take this line to mean the world has returned without the other person in it (by their choice).

It was a good read, and it feels like your made some good edits. Hopefully, these comments will give you some things to consider.

Appreciate you doing this.

Best,

Todd

This is my first time posting on this forum! I am very bad at using computers, so I hope I am writing this reply correctly. If I am doing something wrong, please tell me. I hope this is helpful!

Revision 2

When the power turns back on,
electricity courses through these walls; veins
reanimate our hearts from the devastating - "reanimate" = nice word choice!!
days.  Nights we stared at the memories, - I don't think "devastating days" work. Instead of simply stating that the days are devastating, you could explore their devastating-ness through description or metaphor. I think that would make the reader relate to what you are saying more!
blank and irritated from all the food spoiled; - I think this should be a colon.
the silence.

Yesterday was our anniversary with no where - should "no where" be one word?
to refresh the pages of pictures and sequences
of events that shut down the world. - "Shut down the world" seems a bit vague. I feel like you could dwell on this point a bit longer.

'Go ahead,'
I said,

the joke being you never would.
You did;
now the fridge is cold and empty.

I miss the silence - Add a period. (Sorry for all the nit-picks!) This sentence is introduced a bit abruptly. Is there any way you could tie it to the previous stanza in a clearer way?

Again, this is my first time of the forum, so tell me if I'm getting something wrong! Have a good day ) I enjoyed reading