Under Statement

[Beowulf]

Under Statement

"Calabrians understand heat" 
my father would say –
"the unhinged passion of the sun."
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young,
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit
at their own Cleopatran risk.

In the coolness of first light
I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears.
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach miles away
from my home town:

an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom.

Our town, my father told me
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward,
inevitably leading him
before the car
that made the legal u-turn
which took his life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Mark A Becker]

Hey-o Beo-
Comments below:

Under Statement

"Calabrians understand heat"
my father would say –
"the unhinged passion of the sun."  good start, but not enough about your dad for what what comes at the end
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young,
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit Attention to tense, since this happeened in the past: "picked"
at their own Cleopatran risk. I get the Cleopatra ref, but it really doesn't add anything

In the coolness of first light  Suddenly lost, until where we are is addressed in the last lines of S.2
I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears.
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach [b]miles away
from my home town:  maybe just  "...home town, abandoned
to venom.

an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom.  I think this section about your original home town needs to come sooner

Our town, my father told me  only the second mention of your father, yet not descriptive enough
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward, drove?
inevitably leading him
before the car
that made the legal u-turn  Need much more in this section about your father, or I don't feel the loss
which took his life.[/color]

This has the potential to be a very strong piece, but I really need to know more about your dad.  What isitigated his emmigration from Italy? Give further consideration to the ordering of the sections, as well.

Thanks for posting this,
Mark

[Beowulf]

Hey Mark,

Your insight is much appreciated. This piece has been floating about in my head for a while. Being that it deals with my father's death it's important enough for me to give it the attention that it deserves. Thanks for commenting and proffering your suggestions.

Cheers,

Beo

[Knot]

.
Hi Beowulf.

I enjoyed the first verse and the second verse, though they seemed to come from two very different poems, one about your father the other about an unnamed bus driver (not keen on the 'discarded syringes' comparison). Perhaps there are dots I'm simply not connecting (wouldn't be the first time).
I don't understand how the opening quote (interesting as it is) relates to anything that follows, what does the sun or passion have to do with the 'legal u-turn' (terribly phrase, by the way.)


Trying to avoid covering the same ground as Mark.


"Calabrians understand heat"
"the unhinged passion of the sun." .......... this seems like an ending, not a beginning (or perhaps both?)
It is the source of a pristine morning
in the peach groves where
asps give birth to their young, .......... is 'asps' the right term?
dropping them from the trees.
The contadini pick fruit
at their own Cleopatran risk.
In the coolness of first light ............ this would seem to fit better here?

I am impressed by the bus driver
who takes time at the side
of the road to pick cactus pears. ...... why are you impressed? And are there no irate passengers?
Working around the needles,
like so many discarded syringes
on a coastal beach miles away
from my home town:.................... this is all one sentence, not two.

an abandoned source of chestnuts,
spring water and venom. ............. now the poem has a third subject?

Our town, my father told me ...... 'home town', now 'our town'? (And if 'once alive' what is it now? And how was it alive?)
was once alive - before
his migration toward the American
dream propelled him forward,
inevitably leading him ............. where's the inevitability here?
before the car
that made the legal u-turn
which took his life.


Best, Knot


.

[Beowulf]

Hi Knot,

I'm glad you found some redeeming qualities in the first two strophes. I have written a number of versions of this pome but I have yet to pen one that I'm satisfied with. I wrote it while I was on a journey to Italy to discover my roots. The episode in the 2nd strophe takes place at a bus station in Calabria which happened to be propitiously situated next to some cactus pears. Cactus pears are considered a delicacy in Italy and negotiating the needles is a difficult enough task with rubber gloves, but to do so bare-handed is quite the task. The discarded syringes refer to the fruit's barbs.

Yes, somehow connecting these three strophes seamlessly has me quite stumped at the moment .

Re: Inevitability - yes it's only inevitable in hindsight.

Thanks for your take on this. Much appreciated.

Cheers

[Knot]

.

Hi Beowulf.

I wrote it while I was on a journey to Italy to discover my roots. Something in this might make for a better title than the present one. And a few more geographic particulars wouldn't hurt.

The episode in the 2nd strophe takes place at a bus station in Calabria which happened to be propitiously situated next to some cactus pears. This was not clear to me (slow on the uptake, perhaps), a problem compounded by the phrase 'my home town'.

Even a simple fix like

In the coolness of first light

I am impressed by the bus driver

who takes time at the side

of the road to location in Italy

to pick cactus pears.

might help matters. Similarly

Working around the needles,

like so many discarded syringes

on a coastal Californian? beach

a few miles from my home town.

Cactus pears are considered a delicacy in Italy and negotiating the needles is a difficult enough task with rubber gloves, but to do so bare-handed is quite the task. The discarded syringes refer to the fruit's barbs. I understood the image, it just seemed a particularly ugly one that had no relation to anything else in the poem. Are the plants actually reminiscent of a needle littered beach?

Given he's a bus driver, and Calabria has mountain roads might he not

Working around the needles,

taking each as carefully

as any vertiginous bend

in the Aspromonte ...

Yes, somehow connecting these three strophes seamlessly has me quite stumped at the moment .

Write a fourth

Might be worth considering beginning with the ending, your father's death, and going from there, if indeed the search for roots followed after that incident. It still doesn't solve the problem of needing an ending but ... Just a quick cut 'n paste.

Our town, my father told me

was once alive - before

his migration toward the American

dream propelled him forward,

inevitably leading him

before that car

that made the legal u-turn

which took his life.

"Calabrians understand heat"

my father would say –

"the unhinged passion of the sun."

It is the source of a pristine morning

in the peach groves where

asps give birth to their young,

dropping them from the trees.

The contadini pick fruit

at their own Cleopatran risk.

In the coolness of first light

I am impressed by the bus driver

who takes time at the side

of the road to pick cactus pears.

Working around the needles,

like so many discarded syringes

on a coastal beach miles away

from my home town:

an abandoned source of chestnuts,

spring water and venom.

Best, Knot

.

[Beowulf]

Hi Knot,

I apologize for taking so long to respond to your post. I had to take care of a health issue. Thanks for coming back to this. You make some valid points.

Re: The title is a bit of a play on words which I’m afraid perhaps does not do the job. The double entendre of something understated and filing something under the heading: “Statement” is what I was going for but somehow missed the mark. Not one of my better titles I admit.

Re: The cactus pear image/metaphor was an allusion intended to mirror the precariousness of the human condition and yes the syringes frequently found on beaches in Calabrian beaches. One was not located too far from the bus depot. It was also one of my father’s favourite fruits. 

Re: Writing a fourth stanza might help. The problem is figuring out what to include in my “Understatement” without overstating the argument.

Thanks for reconsidering the poem and giving me valuable feedback. Much obliged.

Best,

Beowulf