Third Edit:

long goodbye

darkness watches
a light left on
last night

windows frosted
door closed
only the wind knocks

snow silent as loneliness


Second Edit:

long goodbye

darkness watches
a light left on for friends
gone last night

windows frosted
door closed once more
only the wind will knock

snow silent as loneliness

First Edit:

a light left on for someone
who'll never arrive
windows frosted
door about to close
only the wind knocks
darkness watches
snow silent as loneliness


Original:

a light left on for someone
who'll never arrive
door open
windows frosted
only the wind knocks
darkness watches
hopes to be invited in
snow silent as loneliness

i blame myself
for being such a lackluster friend

Hi Richard, a few comments for you.

(11-27-2017, 12:49 PM)Richard Wrote:  a light left on for someone--nice break on the first line.
who'll never arrive
door open--I think you're missing an opportunity here if you make the door be closed, even if it's "door now closed" then you could follow up with the "only the wind knocks" line and it would probably work better.
windows frosted--I like this as it is a strong image implying relational coldness
only the wind knocks
darkness watches--This is a great line. There is a sense of being watched when you are truly alone. I think that's captured here. That it is personified darkness gives it a sort of foreboding sense.
hopes to be invited in--This reads like vampire fiction which I think diminishes the idea of darkness (mood, emotion, energy level, depression, or some such residing in the speaker).
snow silent as loneliness--Love the simile. This is where I would end the poem, as the final lines below seem flat and blah to me. They wrap up the mystery and leave me not caring about the ending.

i blame myself
for being such a lackluster friend

I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd,
Thanks for the feedback. I started to doubt the last two lines as I typed this up, but I wanted to see what people thought. I quite like the idea of changing the door image to being closed.

Thanks again,
Richard

A nit perhaps, but I’d reconsider the title to avoid invoking Owen’s “strange meeting”

Hey Achebe,
Good point. I need to give the title some thought.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hi Richard,
tone and scene fit well,
just the right level of emotion.

a light left on for someone
who'll never arrive
not sure you need 'for someone'
and L2 takes all the mystery out of the piece.
windows frosted
door about to close
as has already been mention by Todd
the door should be closed for the wind to knock.
Perhaps,
the door closed, but not latched/locked/bolted
only the wind knocks
darkness watches
snow silent as loneliness
[falls]

If you're reconsidering the title as Achebe suggests
(and I agree that that would be a good idea)
perhaps - 'i blame myself' ?

Best, Knot.

a light left on for someone                -I didn't like the line formation here. I wanted to see a light on its own
who'll never arrive
windows frosted
door about to close
only the wind knocks
darkness watches
snow silent as loneliness                     -here, too. snow, on its own.



Reading through the edits
I felt the speaker conveyed regret,
but this last edit cleaned it up, nicely.
Darkness watching is spooky.


-nibbed

Hey Knot and Janine,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to play around with this some more before posting another edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hey all,
I changed the title and played around with the structure a bit. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

Hi Richard,
this seems to have moved quiet far from the original emotionally.
For me there are still problems with the title, and 'for friends' in L2.
A light would only be left on for someone who mattered to the narrator,
do you really need to spell it out? (Readers might want the light to be left on for a child
or a lover and 'friends' stops them reading themselves into the narrative.)
Door closed once more, this seems to me to be a very large departure from the original.
In earlier versions the narrator seemed to be hoping/expecting someone to return,
'closed once more' suggests that that is no longer the case.
On the plus side, the structure:
1(title)-3-3-1
looks/works very well.
Hope this helps.


Best, Knot

Knot is right, the edits changed the poem quite a bit..
the progress somehow seems to show how hope slowly fades

i think it could be interesting if you´d somehow make one poem of it , starting with the original and deliberately labeling the following stanzas as edit 1 and edit 2.
you could concentrate on the differences and refine them a little more
the poem´s title could be something like "writing a long goodbye" to get the concept across to the reader.
(all this is more a vague idea than an actual suggestion)

for all your versions i think it´s not necessary to name someone whom the light is left on for.. its purpose is sufficiently clear, especially in version 2 with "only the wind knocks" (i´d make that sentence present tense)

Hey Knot and vagabond,
Thanks for the feedback. You both gave me something to think about when working on the next edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

Hey all,
This one has been on my mind the last few days, and I decided to strip it down a bit. I know this edit doesn't address every comment, but I'm pretty sure there will be another edit after this one at some point. Feel free to let me know if this version works any better.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

Hey Richard.
I'm not too convinced by this version I'm afraid, particularly L3.
For me it simply doesn't flow as well as earlier versions, and
the title seems less relevant.
Just a suggestion:


windows frosted,
the door closed
and a light left on.

darkness watches,
snow silent as loneliness;
it is only the wind that knocks.

Best, Knot.

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. I'm going let this one sit for a bit before attempting another edit.

Thanks again,
Richard