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As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot.
Awake some early morning,
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass.
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder,
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey.
Posts: 298
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Joined: Jul 2014
(11-09-2017, 07:43 AM)Youi Wrote: As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot.
Awake some early morning, that line makes me think there´s a night between the first stanza and the ones below. it seems a little interrupting but maybe only to me.
dull and entranced, not sure if "entranced" is fitting to describe the state of waiting for a storm
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass. hm. you could concentrate this to "outside a storm awaits" it would sort of sneak into the morning trance you describe
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like ice flowers on windows are beautiful, so this distracts me from what i suppose what you want to say with "life-like"
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows. if that description is meant metaphorically i don´t understand, if it´s there for ambience it might be left out to concentrate more on the interaction of the persons. or, and this is just a wild guess, if it should describe how the subject focuses away from the other person you might want to write something like "i watch the street light cracking"
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection- "fire reflection"? reflecting fire? you may have to give more hints to how that is meant in your poem.. otherwise it´s a loneley point with all that snow .. same thing concerns the "silence is a riot" above
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. "mass" as a physical term is a word that somehow wants explanation for its use (while i think that line just wants to say something like "snow covers everything" )
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder,
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey. i´d leave that line out.. it´s clear enough in the poem
...
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Joined: Feb 2017
As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot.
Awake some early morning, This line doesn't seem to fit. Perhaps lose the awake or the tense?
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. does breathing on the glass cause the snow to engulf mass? engulf mass sounds more brainy than poetic.
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder,
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time I liked "time falls slowly", but not repeated, unless in a refrain.
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey.
Hi Youi
Though the poem conveys solemnity, loneliness, and well, grey,
I want to (somehow) see it as a key of hope to another's happiness,
if that makes any sense. Grey isn't so bad, and can be used
in precious ways.
thank you for the read.
-nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 18
Threads: 4
Joined: Jul 2017
(11-09-2017, 07:43 AM)Youi Wrote: As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot. - I really like this oxymoron!
Awake some early morning,
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold, - cold hard glass feels a bit cliché to me
hard glass.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like - not sure what 'life-like' is meant to mean?
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows. -
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. - I like this line, but I'm not sure if it fits the tone of the poem..feels less romantic (?) than the other lines
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder,
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly - I think it'd be cool if you structure the poem to use the "time falls slowly" line as a refrain
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey.
And so it goes :-)
Link to my blog, where I post poetry and occasionally some prose
Posts: 166
Threads: 27
Joined: Apr 2014
As time falls (possibly 'passes' in place of falls for extras sssss)
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot. (this end rhyme is intentional? it's a bit of a trafficbump in an otherwise yet unrhymed peice - but nice anyway esp with opposing meanings)
Awake some early morning,
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass. ( may be too verbiose - but comtemplated 'i await the coming storm/behind the cold,/uncaring glass. for a bit more vitamin c)
Scattered on the window, (maybe 'thriving on the window' for a bit of fungal growth and assonance)
ice has grown
so life-like
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. (maybe 'overwhelm' in place of engulf for a bit more ohhhh and wwww and mmmm)
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder, (possibly 'form' not 'from')
distant on horizons, (hmmm little cliched and multiple horizons?)
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey. (neatly wrapped up wiv a bit of rhyme)
hmmm pleasingly numbing and nice and so cooool
My Muse, to labour chained
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes
mehopkins1971.wordpress.com
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I enjoyed this, I like the tone and mood that you have captured, I will play with this a bit if you don;t mind
As time falls .............................Time falls slowly......omit so slowly
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you- .......................I sit with you in quiet
so quiet.................................omit
This silence is a riot.
Awake some early morning,......takes me out of the moment.....maybe, I awake early morning
dull and entranced,
I await the storm .........................awaiting the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like.......................instead maybe.....alive in the dim glow
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass.................maybe envelope instead of engulf
Wisps in shadows ..............................Like this stanza as is
from a howling thunder
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away..................................I look away into the grey
Everything is grey.
[/quote]
Thanks for the read, Linda
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2017
As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot. --- like the opening, riot is an interesting word choice. it catches me off guard. but is that what you wanted?
Awake some early morning,
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass. --- feels like there should be one or two more lines here to flush out this thought/feeling.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows. ---- perhaps adding a few more words will add to the flow and round out the simile.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. --- love the first two lines here. I'd suggest changing the word "mass". think there might be a better option here.
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder, --- a bit incoherent here.
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey. --- last section ties it together nicely. since title is grey, maybe you don't need to use that word here and let the "feeling" of grey speak for itself and in the title rather than explicitly stating it.
Overall, nice!!!
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