Edit


Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see.
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality. 

So much fun in the sun:
flex your guns and burn your buns.
You'll think you've won, second to none,
but when it's all said and done, 
you'll be stunned how the story's spun.

Nose to the grind, what do you find?
Try to unwind and you're left behind.
You'll think they're kind, 'til they speak their mind,
but they can't dull your shine
if you're deaf, dumb, and blind.

So much strain on your brain,
but pain is gain so dont complain.
Try to refrain from too many refrains,
explain it plain, or entertainment's 
down the drain.

Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see.
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality.

Original

Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see.
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality. 

So much fun in the sun:
you flex your guns and burn your buns.
You'll think you've won, second to none,
but when it's all said and done, 
you'll be stunned how the story's spun.

Nose to the grind, what do you find?
Try to unwind and you're left behind.
You'll think they're kind, 'til they speak their mind,
but they can't dull your shine
if you're deaf, dumb, and blind.

See the light? So bright,
it frightens the night with a smiteful bite.
It's quite alright to put up a fight,
but try as you might, 
it's always slightly out of sight

Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see.
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality.

Hi CRNDLSM,

I'm usually fine with poems beginning with the same stanza they end with when there's something in between that changes the perspective of the reader so that the final repetition has a thought-provoking impact, and I'm sure it's like that for most people. Here, the poem is riddled with a good amount of cliches that I feel would be fine if they were expanded on in a more original manner.

Best, Alex

(11-24-2017, 05:19 AM)alexorande Wrote:  Hi CRNDLSM,

I'm usually fine with poems beginning with the same stanza they end with when there's something in between that changes the perspective of the reader so that the final repetition has a different and thought-provoking impact, and I'm sure it's like that for most people. The 4th stanza was written first, I think it's the worst, maybe I can achieve that change in perspective, thanks 

 Here, the poem is riddled with a good amount of cliches what a compliment! that I feel would be fine if they were expanded on in a more original manner I'll see what I can do thanks again!

Best, Alex

Reads like song lyrics, with the first/last stanza as the chorus
- was that the intent?
Either way, too many pronouns.

Best, Knot.

(11-26-2017, 04:29 AM)Knot Wrote:  Reads like song lyrics, with the first/last stanza as the chorus
- was that the intent? Yes chorus repeated between each verse, but written I want to be more like poetry, I spose the revision I'll include the audio
Either way, too many pronouns. Only you and it, just said too many times, I'll see.what I can do about this.  Thanks for the attention! 

Best, Knot.

Edit


Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see. (yawn cliche 'don't swallow that shit you see/that shit ain't what it seems to be)
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality.

So much fun in the sun: (yawn granpa repeating old sayings from the war years, 'so much undone that may be fun"
flex your guns and burn your buns. (hmm flexy rubber guns????)
You'll think you've won, second to none,
but when it's all said and done, (OMG said and done b4 a million times - 'when it's so cooked it's overdone")
you'll be stunned how the story's spun.

Nose to the grind, what do you find? (shove something else on the grindstone pleeeeasseee)
Try to unwind and you're left behind. (neato gotta be upwardly mobile its pc)
You'll think they're kind, 'til they speak their mind,
but they can't dull your shine ('stuff up' in place of 'dull'????)
if you're deaf, dumb, and blind.

So much strain on your brain,
but pain is gain so dont complain.
Try to refrain from another refrain, (too many refrains... rephrase!)
explain it plain, or entertainment's
down the drain. (hmm this line seems a bit circumcised in comparison to the rest)

Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see.
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality.



gee you oughta rinse this sponge under the tap and squeeze out all yesterdays leftovers u've picked up with it, but it's pretty cool and love alliteration so i'll let you off

cheers for the mindwipe

(11-27-2017, 05:28 AM)Mopkins Wrote:  Edit


Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see. (yawn cliche 'don't swallow that shit you see/that shit ain't what it seems to be)
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality.

So much fun in the sun: (yawn granpa repeating old sayings from the war years, 'so much undone that may be fun"
flex your guns and burn your buns.  (hmm flexy rubber guns????)
You'll think you've won, second to none,
but when it's all said and done, (OMG said and done b4 a million times - 'when it's so cooked it's overdone")
you'll be stunned how the story's spun.

Nose to the grind, what do you find? (shove something else on the grindstone pleeeeasseee)
Try to unwind and you're left behind. (neato gotta be upwardly mobile its pc)
You'll think they're kind, 'til they speak their mind,
but they can't dull your shine ('stuff up' in place of 'dull'????) At some point I tried to combine as many rhymes and short cliches as possible around a central theme, drone out like a virtual reality
if you're deaf, dumb, and blind.

So much strain on your brain,
but pain is gain so dont complain.
Try to refrain from another refrain, (too many refrains... rephrase!) Making this change thank you!
explain it plain, or entertainment's
down the drain.   (hmm this line seems a bit circumcised in comparison to the rest)

Virtual reality -
Don't believe everything you see.
Nothing's what it seems to be
in virtual reality.



gee you oughta rinse this sponge under the tap and squeeze out all yesterdays leftovers u've picked up with it, but it's pretty cool and love alliteration so i'll let you off can't argue that! Saving grace
cheers for the mindwipe thanks again!