Edit

I know your type -                           On the attack -
so full of hype,                                you're worthless you hack!
you groan and gripe                      Cut you some slack?
that fruits aren't ripe.                     Stay on track!
Think you're a wizard?                  You got me gaggin'
Here take a lizard,                          on all of your braggin'. 
cut out the gizzard,                        Think you're so swaggin' 
conjure a blizzard.                         to summon a dragon!
Suddenly freezing?                        Suddenly bleeding?
Can't stop sneezing,                      It's just what you're needing.
coughing, and wheezing?            Temperature's heating,
Hands on neck, squeezing?         the creature is feeding!
'Cause I'm the killer!                      'Cause now you're the ghost
You'll be the filler                           deserving to roast.
that fits in my chiller,                     I'm raising a toast:
later the griller.                               It's my turn to boast!
So sick of your crap,                     I'm leading the flock!
deserving a slap.                           I'm breaking the lock!
You step in my trap;                       Oh, what a shock...
I tighten the strap.                          There's plenty in stock.

Here's the berry.                              Here's the berry.
It's very scary.                                 It's very scary




Original 

I know your type -                           On the attack -
so full of hype,                                your work is a hack.
you groan and gripe                      Cut you some slack?
that fruits aren't ripe.                     Lay off the crack!
Think you're a wizard?                  Drunk on a flagon,
Here take a lizard,                          you got me gaggin' 
cut out the gizzard,                        on all of your braggin'. 
conjure a blizzard.                         Summon a dragon!
Suddenly freezing?                        Suddenly bleeding?
Can't stop sneezing,                      It's just what you're needing.
coughing, and wheezing?            Temperature's heating,
Hands on neck, squeezing?         the creature is feeding!
'Cause I'm the monster!               'Cause you're the ghost
A friendly imposter                         deserving to roast.
pretending to sponsor                   It's my turn to boast:
your feelings, fostered.                  The host with the most!
But you're full of crap,                    I'm leading the flock!
deserving a slap.                            I'm breaking the lock!
You step in my trap;                        Oh, what a shock...
I tighten the strap.                          There's plenty in stock.

Here's the berry.                              Here's the berry.
It's very scary.                                 It's very scary

(05-30-2017, 03:55 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  

I know your type -                           On the attack -

so full of hype,                                your work is a hack.

you groan and gripe                      Cut you some slack?

that fruits aren't ripe.                     Lay off the crack!

Think you're a wizard?                  Drunk on a flagon,

Here take a lizard,                          you got me gaggin'

cut out the gizzard,                        on all of your braggin'.

conjure a blizzard.                         Summon a dragon!

Suddenly freezing?                        Suddenly bleeding?

Can't stop sneezing,                      It's just what you're needing.

coughing, and wheezing?            Temperature's heating,

Hands on neck, squeezing?         the creature is feeding!

'Cause I'm the monster!               'Cause you're the ghost

A friendly imposter                         deserving to roast.

pretending to sponsor                   It's my turn to boast:

your feelings, fostered.                  The host with the most!

But you're full of crap,                    I'm leading the flock!

deserving a slap.                            I'm breaking the lock!

You step in my trap;                        Oh, what a shock...

I tighten the strap.                          There's plenty in stock.

Here's the berry.                              Here's the berry.

It's very scary.                                 It's very scary

(Assuming this is not referencing a specific D&D or video game)

In basic critique, the parallel structure is interesting - two paths leading to the same conclusion.  Or the berry could be the prize for the incidents in the column. though column 1 doesn't seem to end in a win.

Are these variant flash-forwards from taking (consuming) the berry?  If so, the immediacy of rap-style rhyming adds drive and speed.

A few minor, mostly technical observations:  "flagon" and "crack" (implying the drug) are on odd juxtaposition in column 2.  They both refer to drugs (alcohol and crack) but unless they're calling a crack pipe "flagon" these days the eras seem a little out of joint.  But that could also be making the connection between substances of abuse then and now.

Lizards don't have gizzards, other than crocs and alligators.  If the wizard used a croc gizzard, no wonder he got a blizzard.  Or the spell may require something imaginary, like a lizzard gizzard.

The rhymes in the third quatrain of column 1 are loose compared to the rest.  This may be a good thing, since this is where the monster jumps up and traps someone (player?) - things do get loose when they're really scary.

A fun read, enjoyed it.  My only suggestion for edit would be to have a duplicated starting couplet to balance the closing couplet - unless the closing couplet is meant to make the rest a flash-forward.

I like the ways this can be read, either across the page, or column 1 then column 2. The heavily accented beat holds it together well, along with the rhymes.

No idea what the berry is, but its effects are berry interesting!

(btw damn you damn you, my hero is a no-go - back to the start )

(05-30-2017, 03:55 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I know your type -                           On the attack -
so full of hype,                                your work is a hack. hmm.. maybe "the work of a hack"?
you groan and gripe                      Cut you some slack?
that fruits aren't ripe.                     Lay off the crack!
Think you're a wizard?                  Drunk on a flagon,
Here take a lizard,                          you got me gaggin' 
cut out the gizzard,                        on all of your braggin'. 
conjure a blizzard.                         Summon a dragon!
Suddenly freezing?                        Suddenly bleeding?
Can't stop sneezing,                      It's just what you're needing.
coughing, and wheezing?            Temperature's heating,
Hands on neck, squeezing?         the creature is feeding!
'Cause I'm the monster!               'Cause you're the ghost
A friendly imposter                         deserving to roast.
pretending to sponsor                   It's my turn to boast:
your feelings, fostered.  <<"foster"?   The host with the most! < possibly something other than "host"? "most" works well with boast in a bragging way
                                                                                                                  but too cliche as it is right now?
But you're full of crap,                    I'm leading the flock!
deserving a slap.                            I'm breaking the lock!
You step in my trap;                        Oh, what a shock...
I tighten the strap.                          There's plenty in stock.

Here's the berry.                              Here's the berry.
It's very scary.                                 It's very scary <<< not sure of significance of the berry but then again, somehow it does not matter to me.

Love the format!!!!!!!!!                              should I read it left to right?
Great creativity with the 2 columns!            should I read it up and down?
I envision perhaps                                     2 people singing both sides simultaneously

(05-30-2017, 03:55 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  I know your type -                           On the attack -
so full of hype,                                your work is a hack.
you groan and gripe                      Cut you some slack?
that fruits aren't ripe.                     Lay off the crack!
Think you're a wizard?                  Drunk on a flagon,
Here take a lizard,                          you got me gaggin' 
cut out the gizzard,                        on all of your braggin'. 
conjure a blizzard.                         Summon a dragon!
Suddenly freezing?                        Suddenly bleeding?
Can't stop sneezing,                      It's just what you're needing.
coughing, and wheezing?            Temperature's heating,
Hands on neck, squeezing?         the creature is feeding!
'Cause I'm the monster!               'Cause you're the ghost
A friendly imposter                         deserving to roast.
pretending to sponsor                   It's my turn to boast:
your feelings, fostered.                  The host with the most!
But you're full of crap,                    I'm leading the flock!
deserving a slap.                            I'm breaking the lock!
You step in my trap;                        Oh, what a shock...
I tighten the strap.                          There's plenty in stock.

Here's the berry.                              Here's the berry.
It's very scary.                                 It's very scary

That's a lot of effort to put into what seems to be a typical internet rant. Scary seems a little bland, maybe you could work with cemetery, mortuary or obituary.

Thanks everyone for understanding, it's awful but stuck in my head. I might try to make it more legible left to right, i was mostly restricting myself to the parallels. Ella your suggestion about very scary will stay here but I will change that same phrase in my tattoo song, thanks again!

a pretty good cleave poem though some of the end rhymes need working on.