Revision 3

Blood, hushed to a whisper,
hissed beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose, until

I 

held the world
under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop,
and no one was left 
to cry out.

as the mist that once rose. would;
as the red mist that once rose. (i'm presuming the poems about anger)

The blood was a whisper
beneath the soil
and
Until I held the world
under water, matching murder
drop-for-drop
are for me, excellent lines.

i can see the poem ending after drop.

a nice compact piece of writing
thanks for the read.

Hi Billy,

Thank you. With the mist I was actually refering to a Biblical verse (Gen 2:5-6) which talks about how God used to water the earth with a mist that rose from the surface of the groud rather than with rain clouds. But that said, you are right the poem is about anger. Man murdering man and God murdering (though some would hate that term used that way) man.

I appreciate the feedback.

Todd

Beautifully sinister piece. I like this kind of poem, where the darkness doesn't bathe the page in blood and gore, but quietly insinuates, hinting at human perversion, horrors beneath the surface, like a Hitchcock film. The last line is nicely cynical, and rounds off the poem well.

Thank you Jack. I appreciate your kind comments...couldn't ask for more (sinister, cynical, perversion, and horrors YES) Much appreciated.

Todd

Hi, Todd. I've read this several times, and it's beauty always strikes me. The imagery is vivid.

The title is strong -- makes me want to read. I like how thunder ties in with the water/flood angle.

I have a couple of thoughts.

(10-28-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote:  The blood was a whisper -- I don't think you need 'the.' I'd make it more specific whose blood or just leave it off completely. Right off the bat, I like the contrast of thunder in the title with the whisper. I think it's interesting how the poem starts off soft and then becomes louder and more violent as the poem goes along. Kind of like a relationship that starts out loving and sweet and then turns violent.
beneath the soil
damp with accusation -- nice
as the mist that once rose. -- I can infer that the mist was rising from the soil, but I might include a couple of words that clarify where it's coming from -- something that re-inforces this idea of water/emotion welling up from the deep
Until I held the world -- I might consider starting a new strophe here since the focus changes from the others to the speaker. I think you could add some more story or detail in between, since it goes right from super quiet to all-out rage -- maybe more of a natural escalation. 
under water, matching murder
drop-for-drop -- like these last two lines. Matching murder is nice.
with no one left to cry out. -- good return to the first line with cry out contrasted with whisper. "Until....cry out" is not a complete sentence though.

I love it as is, but I'd like to read more. Might just be a style choice, since you're a champion of compact-ness.

I've always been fascinated with the human-ness of the Old Testament God, and this is a nice vignette of that impulsiveness/emotionality that contrasts with God-in-the-abstract found in the gospel of John, for instance.

Always enjoy your work.

Lizzie

Thank you for the critique, Lizzie.

My big takeaways from it:

I like the idea of cutting the from the first line though I may alter it a bit to "Blood became a whisper" to emphasize the b sounds in the first two lines.

I need to readdress the punctuation and sentence structure a bit. I'll get to that on revision.

I'll consider the strophe break. It's such a short piece I want to be careful to put in too many flourishes.

Again, I appreciate the time you spent with it.

Best,

Todd

Slight revision--just to test drive.

Would it be ok to eliminate the period after 'rose' and made it all one sentence?

(10-28-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision

Blood became a whisper -- I'm thinking that 'became' is not pulling its weight and you could choose something more dynamic or descriptive.
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose.

Until I 

held the world -- same with 'held' -- it's a little too soft
under water, 
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left 
to cry out.

The blood was a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose.
Until I held the world
under water, matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left to cry out.

I think I could possibly make the blood itself whisper instead of transform. I also may expand that section a bit. Interesting framing, Lizzie, soft vs hard. I think I may actually take it a bit counterintuitive and make parts softer. It might work better with more contrast.

I'll think about it all.

Thank you,

Todd

that´s a wrathful god your poem lets me see, a surprising thought (does not matter if the reader agrees with it)
"blood became a whisper" makes me think of "blood" as a metaphor for anger and  "whisper" as a synonym for creation ("in the beginning was the word,.."). wow.
the stanza following "until I" to me seems to be from god´s perspective and him contemplating his Flood.


if this interpretation should not be written openly you could tell me how to use the spoiler tool

Thank you for the comments, Vagabond.

I posted a new revision.

(10-28-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 2

Blood hissed in a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rosepedantic point. It is the damned "as" word. Comparator use here so you SHOULD write "as damp with accusation as the mist that once rose,.." eg. with fleece as white as snow. Hrrrrmmmphhh
until I Because of the sparcity  of punctuation in this nicely measured piece certain bits have no where to hide...so I see "...mist that once rose (red on the hill)" or somesuch. Mildly distracting but as a genre device you get away with it...but that is not to say I wholeheartedly support the idea; anymore than  like the
enjamb
ment. 

held the world
under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left 
to cry out. Redeemed by reconcilliation. God driven endings always work best for committed atheists. There is an open-endedness to the piece which is cleverly contrived to seem uncontrived.  Nonetheless, another  stanza ,whilst possibly clarifying the cameo, would probably disappoint the analytical crit...which I am not
This is me liking it.
Best,
tectak


[pre verse
bood became a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose.

Until I 

held the world
under water, 
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left 
to cry out.


Original

The blood was a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose.
Until I held the world
under water, matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left to cry out.[/pre verse]

Thanks, Tom. Good point on the as construction. I'll give that some thought. I appreciate the time and comments.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd

A chilling read. Rather taunting, too. Interesting how you chose thunder in the title, perhaps symbolic of the voice of God, but I won't ask why. "matching murder for murder", as much as I don't agree, can work as sort of an object lesson likely representing vindication of the innocent. I didn't like the poem at first, but the truth is, it is a very thoughtful honest poem. "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Romans 12:19. I prefer God's wrath over man's judgement, because I know an omniscient God is the only One who can render a truly fair verdict. It's scary, though. Thank you for the interesting read. I like how it improved with each edit, too. Have a blessed night.   janine

(05-20-2017, 09:17 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Hi Todd

A chilling read. Rather taunting, too. Interesting how you chose thunder in the title, perhaps symbolic of the voice of God, but I won't ask why. "matching murder for murder", as much as I don't agree, can work as sort of an object lesson likely representing vindication of the innocent. I didn't like the poem at first, but the truth is, it is a very thoughtful honest poem. "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Romans 12:19. I prefer God's wrath over man's judgement, because I know an omniscient God is the only One who can render a truly fair verdict. It's scary, though. Thank you for the interesting read. I like how it improved with each edit, too. Have a blessed night.   janine

Thanks for the read and reaction, Janine. What I was going for was more playing off of the idea in Genesis 4:10 through the early narrative surrounding the flood. It had little to do with man's judgment and more with the exercise of the wrath you mention. I guess if I were being specific toward my speaker I should have referred to it as a mass execution instead of a murder--as it is a sovereign involved. Since I was playing off of the first murder of Abel though I thought the parallel was more appropriate. Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

(05-20-2017, 10:33 AM)Todd Wrote:  

(05-20-2017, 09:17 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Hi Todd

A chilling read. Rather taunting, too. Interesting how you chose thunder in the title, perhaps symbolic of the voice of God, but I won't ask why. "matching murder for murder", as much as I don't agree, can work as sort of an object lesson likely representing vindication of the innocent. I didn't like the poem at first, but the truth is, it is a very thoughtful honest poem. "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Romans 12:19. I prefer God's wrath over man's judgement, because I know an omniscient God is the only One who can render a truly fair verdict. It's scary, though. Thank you for the interesting read. I like how it improved with each edit, too. Have a blessed night.   janine

Thanks for the read and reaction, Janine. What I was going for was more playing off of the idea in Genesis 4:10 through the early narrative surrounding the flood. It had little to do with man's judgment and more with the exercise of the wrath you mention. I guess if I were being specific toward my speaker I should have referred to it as a mass execution instead of a murder--as it is a sovereign involved. Since I was playing off of the first murder of Abel though I thought the parallel was more appropriate. Thanks again.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd, That's interesting because when I first read the poem I thought about Cain & Abel, too, but then I read your commentary and thought you were referring to the violence in the land that directly preceded The Great Flood. Interesting you commented about a sovereign, though God is, indeed, I wouldn't dare measure Him to mere mortal men who might hold the same title. Don't know why I felt the need to share that just now?
Interesting parallel, yes! Thanks Todd, for the read & conversation. Janine

(10-28-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 2

Blood hissed in a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose

until I 

held the world
under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left 
to cry out.

So, maybe:

Blood, hushed to a whisper,
hissed beneath the soil,
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose, until I

held the world under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
till no one was left
to cry out.



Thought there would be less confusion and bumbling about if I just wrote it how I hear it. 

Love, always love for this piece. The title alone is jealousy provoking. I like that the poem is all one sentence to help the tension build quickly in such a short space.

too much interpretation for intensive crit:

Thanks, Lizzie. You gave me some things to think about. I like the hushed suggestion quite a bit and till is a nice choice (though I may have to rethink the middle of the poem if I use it).

Vagabond, thanks for the comments. I think you're pretty spot on with your read.

Best,

Todd