"Their eyes don't seem as friendly
Their smiles invisible
I can't reach out to you like I did before"

--------------

I'm only assembled
on the outside
But you want to hear the truth
So untie me by
the back of my mind
I just want for you
to feel better
To feel lighter

For eleven months
I've tried to forget
the marks on your arms
on your legs
across your stomach

The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming

But I still think about you
from time to time
Often at the worst of times

Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year
But I wrapped my arms
around you
Just like
I never got the chance to

When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you
On the day we spent
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever

I just wish that I had the guts
to help you
But instead I just
swallowed my youth
with the vomit and the guilt
And I tied myself together
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember

---------------

"Enclosed now
Isolated in a place that holds me back
When I reach out to you I know I seem cold
But it's hard to break
Hard to find another way

Nothing's changed"

----------------

"Reach Out To You" by Adventures

-----------------

Hi Fox Womb,

Let me give you some comments to consider.

(03-13-2017, 03:52 PM)Fox Womb Wrote:  "Their eyes don't seem as friendly
Their smiles invisible
I can't reach out to you like I did before"--I have a friend that draws a lot of inspiration from song lyrics he's taken albums and written a poem from each song (not that the connections are always obvious). So, there's a place for that. While there's nothing wrong with using an epigram or quote to lead off a poem, or even bracket it as you've done here. You have to decide two things: does the quote outwrite your poem? (I think your fine here) Second does it add anything or was it simply the inspiration that got me writing? I'm not sure either of these quotes add anything and you can probably cut them. This is less a flaw though and more an opinion on my part.

--------------

I'm only assembled--Your first line needs to pull us in. So consider what would be your most provocative opening. I think this line break after assembled isn't helping you. You may want to pull up the second line to end the first: "I'm only assembled on the outside" Now, that's an interesting opening.
on the outside
But you want to hear the truth--This is a nice follow-up because it implies the speaker is lying about their condition. As if they feel hollow or intrinsically empty but that it's a cover somehow.
So untie me by--Again think of each line as a unit for the poem. Breaking on by doesn't do much. Unless the break builds drama or layers additional meanings, it is usually better to break on concrete nouns or verbs or ideas that push your theme. Let's consider the full meaning without the breaks: "So untie me by the back of my mind." This reads a bit awkwardly to my ear. You may want to cut "me by". It is an interesting idea and I'm still with you .

Side note: You don't tend to use punctuation but you are capitalizing so I'm not having much issue interpreting where you're going. Some might have issues with it though.
the back of my mind
I just want for you--just is often though not always a throw away word. You can often cut it without issue.
to feel better
To feel lighter--This is not an interesting conclusion to the untying of the mind. This feel better/feel lighter idea reads a bit too abstract. I am not suggesting this as a rewrite just trying to illustrate what I'm saying, here is a place you could insert imagery. What if for instance this person untied the back of your mind removed the string tied it to their wrist, and were carried away by what came out as if your experiences were balloons--or some such. I'm not saying go there. I am saying think of a way you can use an image to make someone feel better feel lighter. Though when you think about it thematically it is the very fact that the mind was closed that they were supposed to feel lighter. So perhaps the image should be them putting something down to grasp the string. Just reasoning this out some.

For eleven months--Again why is it important to break on months. I won't keep doing this I think you get the point.
I've tried to forget--[b]You're missing an opportunity here to extend your metaphor. So when we last left our speaker, they were having their mind untied. Or put another way their partner no longer believed the mask they wore. They wanted to know what they really thought and this was a point of conflict for the speaker. At this point, you either need to have the contents of the mind spill out or you need to show why they are stubbornly refusing access (for instance, "Are the knots too tight/for eleven months I've tried to forget...")[/b]
the marks on your arms
on your legs
across your stomach--These breaks work well for me. I like the emphasize on each scarred body part. I get the sense this is cutter self-inflicted wounds.

The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming--These two lines standing, smiling, welcoming seem too static. Commit to something here. It reads to flat. I'm not sure what // is supposed to convey.

But I still think about you
from time to time--you could probably cut this line. I want you to notice that you've used two strophes where very little has happened. Poems need less meandering.
Often at the worst of times

Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year--Notice the number of "likes" here. Also telling us it felt like last year is too abstract. You can keep the phrasing but add something to give us an idea of what you mean, direct us a bit. (for instance: it felt like last year, all chocolate, sunsets and disappointment). I don't know something for us to conncect to.
But I wrapped my arms
around you
Just like
I never got the chance to--A lot you could condense here. Dreams allow you to add imagery which we can draw inferences from. Another possible idea for you to consider. Don't tell us about the dream show us the dream. I've added some possible cuts above for you to consider.

When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you--I like this sequence. Cigarettes, perfume, and light give us something to hold onto.
On the day we spent--Cutting On would probably smooth this out a bit
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever

I just wish that I had the guts
to help you
But instead I just 
swallowed my youth--I like this line
with the vomit and the guilt--and this
And I tied myself together
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember--You do a good job referencing the start of the poem. You could probably cut the I in this line.

---------------

"Enclosed now
Isolated in a place that holds me back
When I reach out to you I know I seem cold
But it's hard to break
Hard to find another way

Nothing's changed"

----------------

"Reach Out To You" by Adventures

-----------------

Well, I hope the comments helped some.

Best,

Todd

(03-14-2017, 03:02 AM)Todd Wrote:  Hi Fox Womb,

Let me give you some comments to consider.

(03-13-2017, 03:52 PM)Fox Womb Wrote:  "Their eyes don't seem as friendly
Their smiles invisible
I can't reach out to you like I did before"--I have a friend that draws a lot of inspiration from song lyrics he's taken albums and written a poem from each song (not that the connections are always obvious). So, there's a place for that. While there's nothing wrong with using an epigram or quote to lead off a poem, or even bracket it as you've done here. You have to decide two things: does the quote outwrite your poem? (I think your fine here) Second does it add anything or was it simply the inspiration that got me writing? I'm not sure either of these quotes add anything and you can probably cut them. This is less a flaw though and more an opinion on my part. I'm going to cut the lyrics at the start of the poem, but I think I'm going to keep the ones at the end. It was something I had scribbled into one of my notebooks around the time I met the person in the poem.

--------------

I'm only assembled--Your first line needs to pull us in. So consider what would be your most provocative opening. I think this line break after assembled isn't helping you. You may want to pull up the second line to end the first: "I'm only assembled on the outside" Now, that's an interesting opening.
on the outside
But you want to hear the truth--This is a nice follow-up because it implies the speaker is lying about their condition. As if they feel hollow or intrinsically empty but that it's a cover somehow.
So untie me by--Again think of each line as a unit for the poem. Breaking on by doesn't do much. Unless the break builds drama or layers additional meanings, it is usually better to break on concrete nouns or verbs or ideas that push your theme. Let's consider the full meaning without the breaks: "So untie me by the back of my mind." This reads a bit awkwardly to my ear. You may want to cut "me by". It is an interesting idea and I'm still with you .

Side note: You don't tend to use punctuation but you are capitalizing so I'm not having much issue interpreting where you're going. Some might have issues with it though.
the back of my mind
I just want for you--just is often though not always a throw away word. You can often cut it without issue.
to feel better
To feel lighter--This is not an interesting conclusion to the untying of the mind. This feel better/feel lighter idea reads a bit too abstract. I am not suggesting this as a rewrite just trying to illustrate what I'm saying, here is a place you could insert imagery. What if for instance this person untied the back of your mind removed the string tied it to their wrist, and were carried away by what came out as if your experiences were balloons--or some such. I'm not saying go there. I am saying think of a way you can use an image to make someone feel better feel lighter. Though when you think about it thematically it is the very fact that the mind was closed that they were supposed to feel lighter. So perhaps the image should be them putting something down to grasp the string. Just reasoning this out some. I was thinking that the last two lines here were fairly weak, but I wasn't sure what to put in place of them. I think you're right, that more imagery is needed here.

For eleven months--Again why is it important to break on months. I won't keep doing this I think you get the point. I see one of the main issues is line breaks, which I agree with. My English teacher keeps encouraging me to put line breaks in unnecessary places, so I tried to take their advice. I don't think it's doing me any good.
I've tried to forget--You're missing an opportunity here to extend your metaphor. So when we last left our speaker, they were having their mind untied. Or put another way their partner no longer believed the mask they wore. They wanted to know what they really thought and this was a point of conflict for the speaker. At this point, you either need to have the contents of the mind spill out or you need to show why they are stubbornly refusing access (for instance, "Are the knots too tight/for eleven months I've tried to forget...")
the marks on your arms
on your legs
across your stomach--These breaks work well for me. I like the emphasize on each scarred body part. I get the sense this is cutter self-inflicted wounds. I'm glad this part turned out well. I wasn't sure if I should have added it, because I didn't want this to look like the "shocking" part of the poem. Self-injury has become sort of cliche, especially when used for shock value.

The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming--These two lines standing, smiling, welcoming seem too static. Commit to something here. It reads to flat. I'm not sure what // is supposed to convey. I use // instead of line breaks sometimes. I don't think it reads as effectively as I want it to.

But I still think about you
from time to time--you could probably cut this line. I want you to notice that you've used two strophes where very little has happened. Poems need less meandering.
Often at the worst of times

Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year[b]--Notice the number of "likes" here. Also telling us it felt like last year is too abstract. You can keep the phrasing but add something to give us an idea of what you mean, direct us a bit. (for instance: it felt like last year, all chocolate, sunsets and disappointment). I don't know something for us to conncect to. I do this when I talk, too. It doesn't sound good there either.
But I wrapped my arms
around you
Just like
I never got the chance to--A lot you could condense here. Dreams allow you to add imagery which we can draw inferences from. Another possible idea for you to consider. Don't tell us about the dream show us the dream. I've added some possible cuts above for you to consider.

When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you--I like this sequence. Cigarettes, perfume, and light give us something to hold onto.
On the day we spent--Cutting On would probably smooth this out a bit
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever

I just wish that I had the guts
to help you
But instead I just 
swallowed my youth--I like this line
with the vomit and the guilt--and this Thanks!
And I tied myself together
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember--You do a good job referencing the start of the poem. You could probably cut the I in this line.

---------------

"Enclosed now
Isolated in a place that holds me back
When I reach out to you I know I seem cold
But it's hard to break
Hard to find another way

Nothing's changed"

----------------

"Reach Out To You" by Adventures

-----------------

Well, I hope the comments helped some.

Best,

Todd

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate how in-depth you looked at this, that alone means a lot to me. I'll start editing it right away.

I'm only assembled (It may be your intention, but the word "only" is misleading, because reading further on you suggest that there is more truth to you than meets the eye. How effective can another word be, or how effective can simply saying "I'm assembled" be?)
on the outside (I'm getting the sense that you're enigmatic, or superficial, or are suffering some kind of identity crisis.)
But you want to hear the truth ("But" seems to be an unnecessary word. Maybe, if you're open to expanding your poetic, you can utilize punctuation every now and then to express a change of thought.)
So untie me by (Enjambment used here to pull me into the next line, and I like how you strain this particular spot of the poem.)
the back of my mind (However, I feel like these two lines aren't actually tied together. In this case, I suggest using "from" instead of "by" to better bind the strained relationship of these two lines.)
I just want for you ("For" sucks the energy away. "I just want you" is so direct, so powerful. If you don't like being that direct or simple, maybe you can change the word "for" to something more seductive and alluring.)
to feel better (So far you've said interesting things, and I feel like you gave up on this line. Why is this line so bland?)
To feel lighter (The repetition of "to feel" doesn't feel significant enough to give it emphasis. Maybe you're trying to tell me this "you" person has a problem with feeling. However, I have to stop where I'm reading and go back to the beginning to find out whether you've suggested such a thing. Otherwise, it isn't wise to repeat words aimlessly.)

For eleven months (Eleven sounds important to you. So now I expect this number to be important to me, as the reader.)
I've tried to forget (The language starts becoming bland here. Time to bust out some dictionaries and thesauri. At this point it isn't wise to let your reader drift away. As the subject matter grows heavier, the words should grow heavier with it. Everything about the poem works as one body, one well-oiled machine. People want to feel how heavy this is becoming.)
the marks on your arms (Here you're talking about something new. So I suggested using heavier language. Maybe at this point you can use words that sound like slicing. Images that seep like blood. Be callous to the reader and disturb us with your feelings. Why can't you forget these particular marks? Marks could mean tattoos, birthmarks... Make it apparent that these marks were carved into skin.)
on your legs (I can imagine blood running down quivering thighs, or dried scabs eating the skin away. What do these legs actually looks like?)
across your stomach (At this point, it may be wise to make the stomachs of your audience churn. Make us feel what that scarred stomach made you feel, and use the context you have to make it visceral for us. "The blubber's slander spoke and gurgled/I could taste the heart burn". Do not be afraid to say what you're capable of.)

The first time I saw them
you were standing there
Smiling // welcoming (These three lines invite an opportunity to be deranged. After all that grotesque, scar-ridden imagery, this person is now trying to welcome you with a smile? This poem grows heavier and heavier as it progresses, keeping me attached to it.)

But I still think about you
from time to time
Often at the worst of times (This feels a bit sentimental. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Be careful that you don't allude to something that will fracture and weaken the work you're putting in. The poem is so good up until this point. Now I'm confused because I don't know for certain if you are deliberately alluding to that quote.)

Like last night
I even had a dream
where it felt
just like last year (I invite you, again, to share your nightmare. Make me shiver. Creep into my nerves and shock me with insomniac madness.)
But I wrapped my arms
around you (Or, "my arms are bandages wrapped around your scabs". You're passing up a lot of opportunity, and settling for less. Remember, "Go in fear of abstraction." These lines here have discarded the power you were building on earlier.)
Just like
I never got the chance to (I'm confused here, because I actually don't know what you're saying. Just like what?)

When I woke up
I was too busy remembering
the cigarettes
and the perfume
And the light that moves around you (Here are more opportunities for you to use our senses against us. Cigarettes and perfume- opposing smells. How does the conflict between nice perfume and deathly cigarettes symbolize the conflict of this relationship you're remembering?)
On the day we spent
sitting in the sun
Listening to
Lilith
and Run Forever (That's nice. We've gone from disturbing to lovely. You can make the ride more smooth. I appreciate that you've given us some air with something nice to rest on, but the images are still underappreciated by the poet.)

I just wish that I had the guts (This seems to be alluding back to the scars on the stomach- so yes, I've now envisioned guts spilling out of those scars. Right after you took me on that nice, sunlit date. Thanks.)
to help you
But instead I just
swallowed my youth
with the vomit and the guilt (I love this line because guilt can make you vomit- literally. Maybe you can tighten the relationship and express that you are actually vomiting guilt as if it were a solid object. This, again, alludes to the power you punched into us when you talked about the scars on the stomach. I like that you tied end together this well.)
And I tied myself together ("Tied" , or "stitched"? Or something else entirely? Don't let go of the context. The context is what makes your poem sing. Or, in this case, vomit.)
And for eleven months
I tried not to remember (Eleven, again.)

(So, my overall critique to you: Strengthen your images. Empower your words. Use the context you've created and bring it all together using relative associations. Good work!)