Reading with Bifocals (Revision 4)

[ChristopherSea]

Sincerest apology.  No offence intended.  I'm just a klutz and often stumble into the wrong zone.  If this was sports I'd be the kid that always scores in the wrong goal.  Filed away to hopefully prevent further infractions.  Please forgive.
-Quix

I vote for critiquing the poem and not the critiques, as that is a clear infraction of site rules. It is also the primary reason for timid folks failing to provide adequate feedback.

No problem. If I were to read other’s reviews, I might discover that I had inadvertently contradicted someone else’s critique. That is certainly bound to happen at times, with no intention of rejecting the opinion of others. You will find as many different opinions and snippets of advice on a particular poem as there are reviews posted beneath it. I realize that is part of both the wonder and utility of this site. Authors and Feedback providers need to respect the spectrum of possibilities. However, it is ultimately up to the author to decide if any of it is helpful. Cheers/Chris

[Todd]

New revision. Revisiting this piece after a year.

[Lizzie]

Revision 3

A line of soldiers
slumps with shirts untucked, -- I can see why you made the word switch -- meaning wise, breaking on 'untucked' is superior
and one's foot drips -- this is the only bit that leaves me scratching my head. "One's" is ambiguous -- you could be talking about one of the soldiers, or (probably not, but it could be) that you're talking about the speaker, like their foot is dripping. I suppose you could be talking about anyone, really, but my money is on a soldier. Still, the ambiguity is distracting.
like a faucet with a tap tap tapping. -- like the sounds. You don't need 'with a' I don't think: like a faucet, tap tap tapping.
What started with sound -- good transition from the previous line
has ended in motion.
These hyperactive children -- like the idea of sugar being cocaine 
mainline sugar. Tiny cockroaches
scurry out of focus -- like the cockroaches bit too, how the 'out of focus' is like scurrying under a chair or behind a refrigerator.
into the uncertain darkness -- I like 'uncertain' better than 'cold' -- it's still not as punchy of a word as I would like, but maybe there's something to be said for understating it a bit, since nobody's falling off a cliff yet.
of middle age.

I do think that this is the best version.

Hope this helps.

Lizzie

[Todd]

Yeah, Lizzie, it helps a lot. I'll work on areas you mention and clean up the ambiguity.

Much Appreciated!

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Did a quick revision. Thank you, Lizzie.