yeah dad
i read John Donne
not because he believed
because he wrote good poems

yeah dad
i read “The Lamb”
it was nice
and met  ri  cal
just how you like it but now


              i'm reading wheel-
              borrow

              William who
              glazes

              your eyeballs
              white like

              butchered boiled
              chickens


                                               i love
                                               e
                                               e
                                                           cum
                                               m
                                               i
                                               n
                                               g
                                               s
                                                                withhisfuckyourrulesattitude
                          and his oh god oh jesus face


                                  and Sharon Olds is teaching me
                                  how to strike matches
                                  and suck cock
                                  like a boss


so dad this is me sucking
at poetry—just unimportant tripe
with no Veritas
and no gravitas
an infernal waste of eternal time

-------

in Portsmouth
I saw a church
with astrological symbols
over the entryway arch

and sleeping deep under Notre Dame
there's a baptismal well
older than Rome

Tolkien despised allegory you know
i'm so sorry
but i'm pretty sure he liked Odin
better than your Jehovah

so

i do not understand why you have not
risen

why you have not seized spikes
to murder me

i do not understand
what you are waiting for

Lizzie, I love this.

Fun read. "an infernal waste of eternal time."

I think we all go through this. Well displayed, nothing to "crit it".


Well Donne!



dale

Hey, you got some classics in this turducken of a poesy. This poem also seems pretty concise. Comments are gratuitous. 

(12-31-2016, 10:16 AM)lizziep Wrote:  yeah dad
i read John Donne
not because he was a believer -- do you need was a. the to be verbs are generally weak. 
because he wrote good poems-- Good may be a weak adjective.

yeah dad
i read “The Lamb”
it was nice
and met  ri  cal


              i'm reading wheel-
              borrow

              William who
              glazes

              your eyeballs
              white like

              butchered boiled
              chickens



                                               i love
                                               e
                                               e
                                                           cum
                                               m
                                               i
                                               n
                                               g
                                               s
                                                                withhisfuckyourrulesattitude
                          and his oh god oh jesus face



                                  and Sharon Olds is teaching me
                                  how to use matches
                                  and to suck cock
                                  like a boss


so dad this is me sucking
at poetry—just unimportant tripe
with no Veritas
and no gravitas
an infernal waste of eternal time

-------

in Portsmouth
I saw a church
with a Celtic baptismal font
and astrological symbols
over the entryway arch

and under Notre Dame
a well was buried
deep and rich -- deep and rich = two adjectives that are redundant/weak
with pagan history

Tolkien despised allegory
your entire reason --Syntax is maybe a bit strange. i.e. normally people would say you venerated Tolkien because he despised allegory, I think.
for his inclusion
in your canon
pretty sure he liked Odin
better than Jehovah

so

i do not understand why you have not
risen up -- risen up is redundant. If you rise, you're moving up.

why you have not seized spikes
to murder me

i do not understand
what you're waiting for -- I realilze the rules are being trampled on, but there are contractions in this line. Other lines don't have them, which may be intentional. Your call!

I like the first half.

Brownlie,

Thanks bunches for your notes. I made changes from almost all of them. Very useful. And turducken...apt.

Quix, ellajam, Dale: thanks for reading and for your kind words.