Counting to ten

[Keith]

Edit 1

The moment fell beyond my reach,
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve.
Camcorder tapes
focusing on falling flat,
they only see the red
in stainless steel.

I trusted mother,
she carried it behind closed eyes,
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons.
Caged monsters roared and paced
strange, small and crumpled
screwed up faces to face, embrace.

Then quiet comes with shallow sighs,
softend lights fall into eyes
Just a flash, a golden trace
a hiding place beneath the deep.
I touched translucent fingernails
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale
that pungent scent of skin.

My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth.
The kiss I whispered into life
will catch each falling thought,
tell stories of the worlds we’ll weave
help carry all the love you brought.



Original
I placed a moment out of reach,
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve.
Those damn camcorder tapes,
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine.

I trusted it to mother
she carried it behind closed eyes,
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons.
Pop
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool.
We lay there casting quiet
as the battle tent raged above us.

I touched translucent fingernails
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale
that deepened scent of skin revealed.
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth.
The kiss I forged on your forehead
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing.

[Wjames]

I placed a moment out of reach,
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve. I think cotton implies white, but of course a cotton shirt could be any colour, I guess.
Those damn camcorder tapes,
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine. The camcorder tapes make me think of childhood videos. A video of child birth? (modern medicine, shapes inside balloons, pop etc)

I trusted it to mother
she carried it behind closed eyes,
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons.
Pop 
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool.
We lay there casting quiet "casting quiet" seems needlessly wordy, I would just say quiet.
as the battle tent raged above us. I really like this stanza, wonderful. 

I touched translucent fingernails
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale
that deepened scent of skin revealed. I like some aspects of this sentence, but it doesn't seem to work as a whole to me.
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth. 
The kiss I forged on your forehead
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing. "all the songs they'll come to sing" I think that's a little bit of a weak ending - I've heard it before.

Interesting poem, very fun to read but tough to really grasp completely (for me). 

I read it as a sort of a childbirth metaphor about mother/child relationships.

[UselessBlueprint]

I placed a moment out of reach, (lack of semantic sense makes this line unpleasant, but forgivable)
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve.
Those damn camcorder tapes, (what about those damn tapes?)
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine.

I trusted it to mother (additional punctuation might be helpful here)
she carried it behind closed eyes,
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons. (I think of bubbles instead of balloons here, but that might just be me)
Pop (this line break feels cheap. Mildly effective, but it still seems cheap)
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool. (this and the three lines above are well executed.)
We lay there casting quiet
as the battle tent raged above us. (this and the above line are a mystery. I found that I had to ignore them to form a near-complete interpretation)

I touched translucent fingernails (I might consider a dash here, or something else to separate)
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale
that deepened scent of skin revealed. (I can accept inversion, but was this one necessary?)
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth.
The kiss I forged on your forehead (I originally didn't like "forged", but I think it works well with the weaving image as well)
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing. (As wjames said, the ending is rather weak. I would definitely reexamine that)

Pardon me if it's too much input, I've scarcely been on and need to get back into the critiquing habit. I enjoyed this piece, and critiquing it was not entirely easy. You might benefit from a little more clarity, even if that means adding to this (whereas I might normally suggest people subtract the excess). The battle tent is just too confusing for me. See if you can make those two lines a little less mysterious. Aside from that, mostly some very good work.

[Mark Cecil]

I would go along with what has already been said. Some very good and strong and vivid imagery throughout I found the first two stanzas although fascinating the language that is used is a bit too unclear (e.g what do you mean by "Those damn camcorder tapes, noisily focusing on early modern medicine" in the poem). You should consider trying to make the work more clearer for the reader.

The third stanza I found I could understand a lot more and I quite like the imagery you created between the couple. I would keep this largely the same as it is.

[Beardowulf]

I placed a moment out of reach, - connects to "those camcorder tapes" - capturing moments from the past that are unable to be touched
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve.
Those damn camcorder tapes,
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine. - Reminds of me of recording the birth of a new born. This sentence is also a bit confusing, maybe expand on the "damn camcorder tapes". What makes them worthy of the word "damn"? "Noisily focusing on early modern medicine" doesn't quite hit its intended meaning for me.

I trusted it to mother
she carried it behind closed eyes, - Gave the recording to mother without her viewing it?
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons.
Pop
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool. - Pond suits the simile more than pool
We lay there casting quiet
as the battle tent raged above us. - These final two lines totally flew over my head

I touched translucent fingernails
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale - Mother?
that deepened scent of skin revealed.
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth.
The kiss I forged on your forehead - This stanza gives off deep emotions of the love and the connection between a mother and son
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing. Cliche end - perhaps work this idea more. The idea here is good, just the wording is a bit cliche.

My favorite stanza is the first - It introduces the notion of memory throughout. After reading a few times I get the sense of remembering childhood and the love of a mother, which comes out in the final stanza. This is where I think the title "Counting to ten" comes in. Aside from a few parts that are a bit hard to follow, the meaning is well executed (if I interpreted how you envisioned the meaning).

[Keith]

I placed a moment out of reach,
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve. I think cotton implies white, but of course a cotton shirt could be any colour, I guess.
Those damn camcorder tapes,
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine. The camcorder tapes make me think of childhood videos. A video of child birth? (modern medicine, shapes inside balloons, pop etc)

I trusted it to mother
she carried it behind closed eyes,
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons.
Pop 
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool.
We lay there casting quiet "casting quiet" seems needlessly wordy, I would just say quiet.
as the battle tent raged above us. I really like this stanza, wonderful. 

I touched translucent fingernails
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale
that deepened scent of skin revealed. I like some aspects of this sentence, but it doesn't seem to work as a whole to me.
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth. 
The kiss I forged on your forehead
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing. "all the songs they'll come to sing" I think that's a little bit of a weak ending - I've heard it before.

Interesting poem, very fun to read but tough to really grasp completely (for me). 

I read it as a sort of a childbirth metaphor about mother/child relationships.

Thank you for the help with this, you make some good points and have captured the bones of it which is encouraging enough. I will have a look at the edit. Best Keith

---

I placed a moment out of reach, (lack of semantic sense makes this line unpleasant, but forgivable)
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve.
Those damn camcorder tapes, (what about those damn tapes?)
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine.

I trusted it to mother (additional punctuation might be helpful here)
she carried it behind closed eyes,
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons. (I think of bubbles instead of balloons here, but that might just be me)
Pop (this line break feels cheap. Mildly effective, but it still seems cheap)
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool. (this and the three lines above are well executed.)
We lay there casting quiet
as the battle tent raged above us. (this and the above line are a mystery. I found that I had to ignore them to form a near-complete interpretation)

I touched translucent fingernails (I might consider a dash here, or something else to separate)
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale
that deepened scent of skin revealed. (I can accept inversion, but was this one necessary?)
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth.
The kiss I forged on your forehead (I originally didn't like "forged", but I think it works well with the weaving image as well)
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing. (As wjames said, the ending is rather weak. I would definitely reexamine that)

Pardon me if it's too much input, I've scarcely been on and need to get back into the critiquing habit. I enjoyed this piece, and critiquing it was not entirely easy. You might benefit from a little more clarity, even if that means adding to this (whereas I might normally suggest people subtract the excess). The battle tent is just too confusing for me. See if you can make those two lines a little less mysterious. Aside from that, mostly some very good work.

Not too much at all UB and all very useable in the edit thanks for taking the time to read and feedback. Best Keith

---

I would go along with what has already been said.  Some very good and strong and vivid imagery throughout I found the first two stanzas although fascinating the language that is used is a bit too unclear (e.g what do you mean by "Those damn camcorder tapes, noisily focusing on early modern medicine" in the poem).  You should consider trying to make the work more clearer for the reader.

The third stanza I found I could understand a lot more and I quite like the imagery you created between the couple.  I would keep this largely the same as it is.

Thanks for the feedback Mark, much appreciated. Best Keith

---

I placed a moment out of reach, - connects to "those camcorder tapes" - capturing moments from the past that are unable to be touched
too young to explain the details
embroidered on its
white cotton sleeve.
Those damn camcorder tapes,
noisily focusing on
early modern medicine. - Reminds of me of recording the birth of a new born. This sentence is also a bit confusing, maybe expand on the "damn camcorder tapes". What makes them worthy of the word "damn"? "Noisily focusing on early modern medicine" doesn't quite hit its intended meaning for me.

I trusted it to mother
she carried it behind closed eyes, - Gave the recording to mother without her viewing it?
curved reflections pushing
shapes from inside balloons.
Pop
and the light that enters opened eyes
scatters into saucers,
settling like fish returning
to the deepest parts of the pool. - Pond suits the simile more than pool
We lay there casting quiet
as the battle tent raged above us. - These final two lines totally flew over my head

I touched translucent fingernails
so small, so imperfectly real.
Inhaled your sweet and perfect pale - Mother?
that deepened scent of skin revealed.
My breath spread incantations
that promised you our warmth.
The kiss I forged on your forehead - This stanza gives off deep emotions of the love and the connection between a mother and son
would only let in dreams, tell stories
of the worlds we’d weave and all
the songs they’ll come to sing. Cliche end - perhaps work this idea more. The idea here is good, just the wording is a bit cliche.

My favorite stanza is the first - It introduces the notion of memory throughout. After reading a few times I get the sense of remembering childhood and the love of a mother, which comes out in the final stanza. This is where I think the title "Counting to ten" comes in. Aside from a few parts that are a bit hard to follow, the meaning is well executed (if I interpreted how you envisioned the meaning).

Many thanks Beardo for your considered feedback you make some good points that will help me resolve the edit and it seems you have the thread of the poem but I take the point about hard to follow...it's not the first time. Best Keith