Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
Just before-
Black Friday when paper buckle hats
and rotting pumpkins
line the curb
The wind-driven balloonMan writhes with glee
and it’s as-if-he-took Abilify with
all-the-would-be poets
zonked on propylhexedrine and
akathisia’s the final diagnosis and it's-
fall
when everybody
hears the chalk-board scraping, metaphor-of-reaping nails of death
in chill-
toward
winter turbulence
(But all the seasons soon will die
so it’s spring.)
JoeWinstonandRaul are honking on the 605
They’re racing home to meet unceasing gift-filled drones
and it’s after Turkey Day the bar code scanners don’t need clerks
and the organ-
less
spasmodic balloonMan
feels no lack or pain but smiling with a palpitating chest
beckons
them
to buy
used Fords
Posts: 229
Threads: 26
Joined: May 2016
Tis the season for a pessimistic embrace of summer lost
Thanks to this Forum
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(09-05-2016, 08:18 AM)kolemath Wrote: Tis the season for a pessimistic embrace of summer lost
Lol. Free time on labor day.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Your imagery is spot on, puts me right in the scene - the balloon man seems to take on and personify the ills of society, contorting to sell, sell, sell.
I don't know about the spaces and line breaks - my eyes don't read easily the way you broke up the white space of the page, but the hesitations and pauses are all part of the scene I guess, form and content blended.
Pessimism, from Black Friday to the used Fords, via Existential angst and akathisia (thanks for the new word!).
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(09-05-2016, 11:02 AM)just mercedes Wrote: Your imagery is spot on, puts me right in the scene - the balloon man seems to take on and personify the ills of society, contorting to sell, sell, sell.
I don't know about the spaces and line breaks - my eyes don't read easily the way you broke up the white space of the page, but the hesitations and pauses are all part of the scene I guess, form and content blended.
Pessimism, from Black Friday to the used Fords, via Existential angst and akathisia (thanks for the new word!).
Appreciate you giving this a look. Tried to make a parody of e.e. Cummings' poem In Just-.
just mercedes
Unregistered
(09-05-2016, 03:22 PM)Brownlie Wrote: (09-05-2016, 11:02 AM)just mercedes Wrote: Your imagery is spot on, puts me right in the scene - the balloon man seems to take on and personify the ills of society, contorting to sell, sell, sell.
I don't know about the spaces and line breaks - my eyes don't read easily the way you broke up the white space of the page, but the hesitations and pauses are all part of the scene I guess, form and content blended.
Pessimism, from Black Friday to the used Fords, via Existential angst and akathisia (thanks for the new word!).
Appreciate you giving this a look. Tried to make a parody of e.e. Cummings' poem In Just-.
Doh! Sometimes I'm very obtuse. Well done! QED
Posts: 952
Threads: 225
Joined: Aug 2016
not really sure how to read this
(09-05-2016, 07:26 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Just before-
Black Friday when paper buckle hats
and rotting pumpkins
line the curb
The wind-driven balloonMan writhes with glee the long spaces seem like commentary
and it’s as-if-he-took Abilify with do you need so many 'and's?
all-the-would-be poets
zonked on propylhexedrine and this is fun
akathisia’s the final diagnosis and it's-
fall
when everybody
hears the chalk-board scraping, metaphor-of-reaping nails of death
in chill-
toward
winter turbulence its fall its winter its spring its thanksgiving currently? just before black friday
(But all the seasons soon will die
so it’s spring.)
JoeWinstonandRaul are honking on the 605
They’re racing home to meet unceasing gift-filled drones
and it’s after Turkey Day the bar code scanners don’t need clerks bar scanners seems to come out of nowhere
and the organ-
less
spasmodic balloonMan
feels no lack or pain but smiling with a palpitating chest
beckons
them
to buy gives a surreal look almost like a horror story or the clown from pee wees big adventure.
used Fords
really enjoy the writing style here, especially the first and last blocks about balloonman, the rest was just a little hard to follow, my eyes are darting all over the place.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 102
Threads: 6
Joined: Sep 2016
(09-05-2016, 07:26 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Just before-
Black Friday when paper buckle hats
and rotting pumpkins
line the curb
The wind-driven balloonMan writhes with glee
and it’s as-if-he-took Abilify with
all-the-would-be poets Saying 'poets' here seems a bit too specific, maybe just 'artists' ? not sure.
zonked on propylhexedrine and A reader naturally slows down to read the name, so why not mirror the previous lines and have 'pro-pyl-hexe-drine' , could work?
akathisia’s the final diagnosis and it's-
fall
when everybody
hears the chalk-board scraping, metaphor-of-reaping nails of death
in chill-
toward
winter turbulence
(But all the seasons soon will die
so it’s spring.)
JoeWinstonandRaul are honking on the 605 This and the end of the previous stanza are where the line breaks get a bit too much for me
They’re racing home to meet unceasing gift-filled drones Not sure about word choice 'drones'
and it’s after Turkey Day the bar code scanners don’t need clerks 'Turkey day' is a nice way to put it
and the organ-
less
spasmodic balloonMan
feels no lack or pain but smiling with a palpitating chest
beckons
them
to buy
used Fords These line breaks at the end are lovely; you really tumble into the inevitable end [or Fall into it (groan)]
Overall I loved your poem, it's a few tiny tweaks away from being bloody fantastic. Captures a nice autumn mindset + who doesn't like a balloon man.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(09-10-2016, 06:57 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: not really sure how to read this
(09-05-2016, 07:26 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Just before-
Black Friday when paper buckle hats
and rotting pumpkins
line the curb
The wind-driven balloonMan writhes with glee the long spaces seem like commentary
and it’s as-if-he-took Abilify with do you need so many 'and's?
all-the-would-be poets
zonked on propylhexedrine and this is fun
akathisia’s the final diagnosis and it's-
fall
when everybody
hears the chalk-board scraping, metaphor-of-reaping nails of death
in chill-
toward
winter turbulence its fall its winter its spring its thanksgiving currently? just before black friday
(But all the seasons soon will die
so it’s spring.)
JoeWinstonandRaul are honking on the 605
They’re racing home to meet unceasing gift-filled drones
and it’s after Turkey Day the bar code scanners don’t need clerks bar scanners seems to come out of nowhere
and the organ-
less
spasmodic balloonMan
feels no lack or pain but smiling with a palpitating chest
beckons
them
to buy gives a surreal look almost like a horror story or the clown from pee wees big adventure.
used Fords
really enjoy the writing style here, especially the first and last blocks about balloonman, the rest was just a little hard to follow, my eyes are darting all over the place.
Thanks for giving this a look and pointing out some issues. I'm a big fan of pee wee's clown dream. That was damn funny.
(09-10-2016, 11:48 PM)Donald Q. Wrote: (09-05-2016, 07:26 AM)Brownlie Wrote: Just before-
Black Friday when paper buckle hats
and rotting pumpkins
line the curb
The wind-driven balloonMan writhes with glee
and it’s as-if-he-took Abilify with
all-the-would-be poets Saying 'poets' here seems a bit too specific, maybe just 'artists' ? not sure.
zonked on propylhexedrine and A reader naturally slows down to read the name, so why not mirror the previous lines and have 'pro-pyl-hexe-drine' , could work?
akathisia’s the final diagnosis and it's-
fall
when everybody
hears the chalk-board scraping, metaphor-of-reaping nails of death
in chill-
toward
winter turbulence
(But all the seasons soon will die
so it’s spring.)
JoeWinstonandRaul are honking on the 605 This and the end of the previous stanza are where the line breaks get a bit too much for me
They’re racing home to meet unceasing gift-filled drones Not sure about word choice 'drones'
and it’s after Turkey Day the bar code scanners don’t need clerks 'Turkey day' is a nice way to put it
and the organ-
less
spasmodic balloonMan
feels no lack or pain but smiling with a palpitating chest
beckons
them
to buy
used Fords These line breaks at the end are lovely; you really tumble into the inevitable end [or Fall into it (groan)]
Overall I loved your poem, it's a few tiny tweaks away from being bloody fantastic. Captures a nice autumn mindset + who doesn't like a balloon man.
I appreciate your critiques. They provide some useful things to consider.
As a side note, the U.S.A is all about calling thanksgiving turkey day. We also talk turkey when we're taking care of business and go cold turkey.
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