THIS BE THE OTHER VERSE edit

[kolemath]

THIS BE THE OTHER VERSE edit 1

I understand the filthy hands 
that spelled you damned, Mr. Larkin.
Assembling you, your parents
SNAFUed a piece or two.

Their parents in their turn
handed down the print in blue,
a double sided crotchless winter coat:
this grand fuck up called childhood.

But young death warms no new ways.
Surface from the generational abyss
and dress your children differently.
Try on a life vest.




THIS BE THE OTHER VERSE


I understand the filthy hands 
that spelled you damned, Mr. Larkin.

This grand fuck up called childhood
in double sided crotchless winter coats.

But young death warms no new ways.
Dress your children differently to set a better pace.

[Leanne]

I wish I could have believed his "they may not mean to" line... but fucking children up seems to be a specialty for some parents.

Anyway, to this poem: What I enjoy most, aside from the beautiful use of allusion, is the sonics. You've used assonance in quite Larkinesque ways (e.g understand, hands, damned) to stitch this poem together and it works very well.

The final lines shift the tone to very dark and make the reader re-evaluate the lighter mood set by the first part of the poem. The irony is heavy, just the way I like it. I am quite disturbed by the notion of "crotchless winter coats" though...

Yes, I think I like this one quite a lot.

[homer1950]

Hey Kolmath,

I enjoyed this one as a fan of Larkin, I just wish it were a bit longer and more observational in tone as that was his style. He was as one sitting back and sullenly reflecting on life all around him. Again though, as Leanne said very nice. As an aside I have never seen a crotch less coat lol

THIS BE THE OTHER VERSE


I understand the filthy hands 
that spelled you damned, Mr. Larkin.

This grand fuck up called childhood
in double sided crotchless winter coats.

But young death warms no new ways.
Dress your children differently to set a better pace.

[SethFiction]

Wow, I feel like I know what it means, but I dare not say. Trigger warning, if you catch my drift. Anyway, I'd love to see it longer, and perhaps mentioning the name "Mr. Larkin" more throughout might strengthen the accusatory tone.

[kolemath]

Yes, larkin is one of the greats as far as early 20th century white guys go.

@seth--if anything larkin's poem is an allusion to suicide; i hope this poem responds to that premise rather than echoing it

@seth and homer--the first draft was 2x as long, but i cut it down. i tried to expand here. (i originally cut down the first draft because the length was unnecessary; hopefully this revision isn't so)

@leanne--thanks for the response. it gives more credit than i thought the poem deserved. i never can tell if i'm writing well.

[71degrees]

Summer is fading:
The leaves fall in ones and twos
From trees bordering
The new recreation ground.
In the hollows of afternoons
Young mothers assemble
At swing and sandpit
Setting free their children.

I love Larkin. You have done well here with yours. Stanza 3 is really well done. Larkin would sneeze at stanza 2 b/c he would not need "fuck" in a poem to get his point across. Just saying.

I enjoyed reading this.

[kolemath]

Since he dropped the f bomb twice in his version, I thought I could get away with it here.

Thanks for the verse

[Alic Elliot]

My only issue with this is that SNAFU means Situation Normal, All F*cked Up. To ad an -ed to that is a tad redundant. Also, it doesn't really fit there. Did you mean FUBAR (F*ck/ed Up Beyond All Recognition)?

[kolemath]

I added the ed to make the noun a verb , but fubar could work, aside from the sonics.

Thanks for the comment

[71degrees]

Since he dropped the f bomb twice in his version, I thought I could get away with it here.

Thanks for the verse

My apologies. You are right, of course. Had a different poem on my mind.

[just mercedes]

The edit works better, for me. It rounds out the skeleton, which I was having trouble reading.

I used to think Larkin was just a crotchety misogynist closet gay who blamed his parents for his unhappiness, until I read Talking in Bed and realized he spoke to and for the human condition.

[kolemath]

I used to think Larkin was just a crotchety misogynist closet gay who blamed his parents for his unhappiness

name one century-old man-poet who wasn't? 

thanks for the book suggestion