glimpsing darkness

Truly seeing
in the black air.
 
Adjusting to
coming through it.
 
A passenger
and sometimes I
am the driver.
 
In a tunnel
that I had to
pass through - without
a shortcut and
with no way to
shut my eyes tight
and let it go
whistling by - rushed.
As a favor.
 
I had to pay
deliverance.
To smell the smoke
and worry about
suffocation.
 
To see the light
I had to do it.
To ride through it.



thanks ahead of time for this forum and for your time to critique my poem. 

(07-26-2016, 08:33 AM)wipmp Wrote:  glimpsing darkness

Truly seeing -- adverbs are tricky. Use modifiers sparingly -- usually, if the image is solid, it can stand on its own.
in the black air. -- I like black air. Sensory images are good, and what you need more of to bring your reader into the scene.
 
Adjusting to -- do you mean, I am not adjusting to coming through it? If so, I'd say a little bit more about what this adjustment is like. Everything else is about the process of going through, and this feels like an add on. And the placement right at the beginning of the poem is odd, since it's the ending of the story.
coming through it. -- Incomplete sentence, like the one above. Also, I'm chafing a little at "it." Coming through what? I'd like to see some more evocative or precise language to describe the "it."
 
A passenger
and sometimes I
am the driver. -- I would re-word this, it reads awkwardly. Sometimes I am the passenger -- sometimes the driver. Etc. Although, this leads me to believe that the process of going through the tunnel is somehow repetitive? This feels off to me because the ending is about the catharsis of having come through, and there's a sense of finality. 
 
In a tunnel
that I had to
pass through - without
a shortcut and
with no way to
shut my eyes tight
and let it go
whistling by - rushed.
As a favor. -- don't use fragments. A poem needs to be as well written as prose. Also, I don't know what the favor is. It doesn't give me any extra knowledge. You need to take the reader along with you on the journey, you can't assume that they know what you do.
 
I had to pay
deliverance. -- vague, doesn't let the reader into the story
To smell the smoke -- good sensory detail
and worry about
suffocation. -- useful to accentuate tension and anxiety. Good. Just make it a complete sentence.
 
To see the light -- seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is very cliche
I had to do it.
To ride through it. -- you can achieve the 'staccato' effect that you're going for (which I like) by using dashes. "I had to do it -- ride through it."



thanks ahead of time for this forum and for your time to critique my poem. 

Ok, so I actually do like this poem. I like the short lines that highlight the racing pace and staccato feel. I like that there's tension and resolution -- feels like you have a plot line going. The experience of going through something painful and coming out of it is very relatable and that's a good base for a work that will generalize to the broader public. I think you need to either make it more personal (give more details) or make it very general (maybe even write it in the 3rd person). I feel like you're trying to talk about your life without talking about it. I understand and respect that you need your space and your privacy, but you brought it up, so you need to either really go there or give people some handles to apply it to their own experience.

Good having you here in the forum, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it for a revision.

Enjoyed the read, ><

lizziep

glimpsing darkness

Truly seeing- I wouldn't start with an adverb, also if the air is black how can you see? This is also a sentence fragment and not a complete sentence.
in the black air.
 
Adjusting to- you could use this as your opening stanza as I don't think the current opening stanza works. We get a hint here that the narrator is having some sort of revelation yet to be revealed
coming through it.
 
A passenger
and sometimes I 
am the driver.- While I understand what you are saying, this is very awkwardly phrased and needs to be reworked.
 
In a tunnel- describe the tunnel
that I had to 
pass through - without- what and why did you have to pass through?
a shortcut and
with no way to 
shut my eyes tight
and let it go - let what go
whistling by - rushed.
As a favor.- I don't understand this
 
I had to pay 
deliverance.
To smell the smoke
and worry about 
suffocation.= This is nice but how did you pay
 
To see the light 
I had to do it.
To ride through it.- I like the ending


I think this has legs but at the moment it reads very much like a diary entry, there is little to engage the reader, we don't know the specifics of  the crisis and therefore can't relate to it. The beauty of poetry is in the details. There isn't enough to draw the reader in in its current form and ultimately raises more questions than it solves. There is a nice tone and pace but the lack of concretes is glaring. Hope this helps!  Good luck on the revision

Hi there. I think this is a relatively nice work here, and I'm just adding some thoughts to it as a lot of points have been made already. 

(07-26-2016, 08:33 AM)wipmp Wrote:  glimpsing darkness

Truly seeing
in the black air. - I appreciate the high degree of directness in the opening segment. "Black air" is a nice attempt at a rather different, contrasting image, however, it could benefit from some enhancement in terms of more details added to it. It's not greatly visual, but I really like the vividness it can create within one's perception. 
 
Adjusting to
coming through it. - The connection to the previous segment prevails, however, as well as the lack of detail. The language employed (or the lack thereof) appears to evoke a more vague depiction than your beginning, particularly the "it" contributes highly to that impression. Precision at this space could be more interesting. 
 
A passenger
and sometimes I
am the driver. - I'm unfortunately not overly fond of the breaks here, as it disrupts the read, which is already shifting towards a vague direction. Combining the first two sentences in this segment could result in a possible enhancement, but that is pure preference. The relation of the "I" and the transformation to the "driver" is very nebulous to me. Again, further details to paint out that picture you were trying to create would have been nice. 
 
In a tunnel
that I had to
pass through - without
a shortcut and
with no way to
shut my eyes tight
and let it go
whistling by - rushed.
As a favour. - The sight of the tunnel and the "journey" are a nice repetition hereby. Again, the breaks are disruptive in aligning the train of thoughts you were going for here. The "let it go" bit is very vaguely depicted, what does the "it" refer to on a more detailed scale? It would be interesting if you could add those details, which were mentioned earlier, to it, in order to have a more "clear sight". The "rushed - as a favour" bit is an interesting debut for a quite different train of thought, but unfortunately it's not carried further, but rather abruptly interrupted through the vague reflection of the "favour". 
 
I had to pay
deliverance.
To smell the smoke
and worry about
suffocation.
 
To see the light
I had to do it.
To ride through it. - This final segment has the clearer and more vivid resolution. The choice of words hereby seem subtly effective, but I would still like to see a clear final scenery being depicted here.