I had a gingerbread man with one leg I liked on my bedstand. It took the ants two months to get to it. I saw them crawling around last night and I poured some beer on them, then Augustine showed up in a phantom menace and said, If you believe in God you're going to have to eventually stop jerking off and drinking alcohol if you want to be true. I said that I believe in God, and I want there to be an after life, but it seems boring in a lot of ways. He asked if I sing along to these songs I listen to. I said, Sometimes. He asked if I ever knock on wood. I said, Not much. Then he said that's why many people die horrible deaths, that they don't knock on wood right after saying something at the same time as somebody else.

(07-07-2016, 11:47 PM)rowens Wrote:  I had a gingerbread man with one leg I liked on my bedstand. It took the ants two months to get to it. I saw them crawling around last night and I poured some beer on them, then Augustine showed up in a phantom menace and said, If you believe in God you're going to have to eventually stop jerking off and drinking alcohol if you want to be true. I said that I believe in God, and I want there to be an after life, but it seems boring in a lot of ways. He asked if I sing along to these songs I listen to. I said, Sometimes. He asked if I ever knock on wood. I said, Not much. Then he said that's why many people die horrible deaths, that they don't knock on wood right after saying something at the same time as somebody else.

I'm not entirely sure if it's deliberate, but:
Augustine in a Phantom Menace! I bet he was one of the pilots.
Two "if"s in Augustine's statement, also stylistically icky -- what does "if you want to be true" mean, exactly?
Shouldn't it be "that I believed", "wanted", "seemed" -- even, "that I believed in God, that I wanted there to be an afterlife, but it all seemed so boring."
Rather "those" songs, than "these" -- and later, "I ever knocked on wood".
The very last "that" feels like it should be a "because".

And I'm pretty sure I don't fully get this yet, especially in light of the title -- Augustine, here surely a caricature, the Caricature? Knock on Wood, whose version I've only listened to so far is the one by Otis and Carla? or is it all so simple as the speaker being just a little looney? -- but the above, plus I've just been watching Archer, so as a last note:

As for the language, that's just the way it went down. As for the looney tunes, it could have been lunatic or moony, but looney is an easy fit to tunes. The tunes may or may not refer to the songs mentioned. I typed this up from memory: The last line might have been more like: that's why many people die, that they don't knock on wood after . . . --But when I don't put a comma after 'he said' it means I'm saying what he said, and so I might be paraphrasing in a way.

I don't get the references to songs, maybe too many unknown tunes represented. I laughed my ass off at the story, it's surprising and arguably true