Their Mouths Are Ten Too Many

[shemthepenman]

edit 2


Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags
clinging to pubs and clubs
and exhausted applause,
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of a self that just isn't there, anymore—
drinking themselves anonymous
and fucking each other again and again and again
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat _______________ are left inside.


edit 1


Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags
desperately clinging to pubs and clubs
and exhausted applause
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of that self that just isn't there, anymore,
drinking themselves anonymous
and fucking each other again and again and again
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat _______________ are left inside.



original-ish

Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags
desperately clinging to pubs and clubs
and exhausted applause
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of that self that just isn't there, anymore,
by deftly drinking themselves anonymous
and fucking each other again and again and again
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat _______________ are left inside.


original

Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags
desperately clinging to pubs and clubs
and exhausted applause
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of that self that just isn't there, anymore,
by deftly drinking themselves anonymous
and fucking each other again and again and again
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat what shattered dreams are left inside.

[Lizzie]

Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town -- did you mean to use run twice? If so, carry on.
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags -- slags is a great word, conveys a certain shabbiness or parasitic character
desperately clinging to pubs and clubs
and exhausted applause
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of that self that just isn't there, anymore,
by deftly drinking themselves anonymous -- not a fan of deftly, but not a fan of adverbs in general. I honestly don't think you need to modify the verb at all, it stands fine on its own.
and fucking each other again and again and again
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat _______________ are left inside.

I remember liking the previous ending better, although I didn't memorize it when I had the chance, so I don't have it here to compare.

I think it's interesting that you introduce a 'main character' at the beginning and then don't really talk about him again except by contrast. Is this poem going to be one in a series, perhaps?

I think you have some good sonics going on: corpse-anymore, abyss-anonymous.

Anyway, it's a keeper.

[shemthepenman]

i certainly did mean to use run twice. deftly was a mistake. it was something else before and just added it out of laziness. i hate poetry. it bores me to tears.
i don't think it is going to be a series. i couldn't keep it up. maybe it is part of a selection of poems with a similar theme. Nicky usually crops up, but Billy sounded better.
and of course i have some good sonics going on!

with regards to the previous ending, it was trite and cliché. i don't think one can write "shattered dreams" [in any context] without sounding like a complete cunt [at least i don't think i can], so i am in the process of revising it. yet, i am becoming fond of the blank space. it looks deliciously annoying and pretentious.

[Lizzie]

i hate poetry. it bores me to tears. Well, if that isn't just the best attitude to have when posting in a poetry forum, I don't know what is.  

Please use a color other than red in a quote, it looks like you're modding. Thanks, ella/mod

Sorry Liz, pink it is, must have been me.

[Lizzie]

It's Pepto-Bismol pink, but I will stop using it if desired.

[Erthona]

The blank spot at the end is annoying and pretentious...and why even start with "Billy Boy" if you're going to toss him over for fags , slags, and hags? Nice sonics mixed with the anti-tonics. I used to live in that world, I thought you had to in order to write poetry, thank god that ego-stage is over with. Overall a kind of after-birth type of poem. Some might see it as lovely, while most see it as disgusting and and have no idea what to do with it.

Best,

dale

[shemthepenman]

ouch.

obviouly not a keeper.  it was a bit of a 'one from the heart'. . . i won't do it again. but, i do want those fat stars, so

---

i hate poetry. it bores me to tears. Well, if that isn't just the best attitude to have when posting in a poetry forum, I don't know what is.  

Please use a color other than red in a quote, it looks like you're modding. Thanks, ella/mod

Sorry Liz, pink it is, must have been me.

i was being silly. a bit of hyperbole to justify my laziness. of course i love poetry. and i also love being quoted

[Lizzie]

i also love being quoted

[Bueller]

edit 2


Billy boy rips what's left inside
and runs to town
run by inbred scumbags, chavs, and slags
clinging to pubs and clubs -Dropping desperately from this line was a good move.
and exhausted applause,
like rats to a corpse—trying not to sink into the abyss
of a self that just isn't there, anymore—
drinking themselves anonymous
and fucking each other again and again and again --Just repeating a bland word is not serving you well. Find one or two good words to convey that idea of endless repetition.
in an endless cycle of self-defeat
to defeat _______________ are left inside. 

While I think that this ending is better than the first one, you can do better. Because it comes at the end of the poem, the long space looks like you gave up on finding the right words or got bored, and that makes the poem hard to take seriously.

I like the grittiness of it. You could do a lot more to expand on the rat/corpse image, and that would only increase my liking for the poem.

Thanks for the read.

Luke