I wrote this little ditty today, thought I'd share it with you folks. I recorded it on my iphone 4, so that's my excuse for (some of) its shittiness:





Lyrics:


I was thinking today while I walked in the park,
Some dog took a shit, it ignited a spark
Combusting your face in a pile on the grass
Oh what a drag, you had such a nice ass…
 
The dog was a bitch, I could tell by its clothes,
it’s owner bent over, one hand on his nose,
the other one wrapping its way round your face,
I smiled at my luck and I gave him a wave…
 
I was thinking today while I walked in the park,
Some dog took a shit, it ignited a spark
Combusting your face in a pile on the grass
Oh what a drag, you had such a nice ass…

(05-18-2015, 10:49 AM)Wjames Wrote:  

Maybe I'm easy, but I quite loved it.
Your effortless metaphors, your pragmatic wistfulness... all this and dog shit too!

(05-18-2015, 12:22 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(05-18-2015, 10:49 AM)Wjames Wrote:  

Maybe I'm easy, but I quite loved it.
Your effortless metaphors, your pragmatic wistfulness... all this and dog shit too!

Thanks for listening, I'm glad you liked it! I added some harmonica to the intro this morning, I might try and make some sort of a solo and/or a bridge for it as well:

we try not to rewrite others work unless they ask /admin

feel free to re-post in a different way.

(05-26-2015, 11:41 AM)Yggdrasil Wrote:  

(05-18-2015, 10:49 AM)Wjames Wrote:  I wrote this little ditty today, thought I'd share it with you folks. I recorded it on my iphone 4, so that's my excuse for (some of) its shittiness:





Lyrics:


I was thinking today while I walked in the park,
Some dog took a shit, it ignited a spark
Combusting your face in a pile on the grass
Oh what a drag, you had such a nice ass…
 
The dog was a bitch, I could tell by its clothes,
it’s owner bent over, one hand on his nose,
the other one wrapping its way round your face,
I smiled at my luck and I gave him a wave…
 
I was thinking today while I walked in the park,
Some dog took a shit, it ignited a spark
Combusting your face in a pile on the grass
Oh what a drag, you had such a nice ass…

Probably a noob at this, but here's my week-late rewrite.

I was thinking today while I walked in the park
When all of the sudden in my broken heart
A saw something that reminded me of you
A dog in the grass basks in full view

most feedback/re-write removed, only do re-writes if asked for in some way.

The song's sort of the opposite of that, I'm calling her a piece of shit, the only thing I miss is her ass (I wish that image appeared instead of her face).

Enjoyable lyrics! Your melody flows well, and definitely gives me a feeling of daydreaming/zoning out.