Cathy!
 
 
 
I’ll wait down by the river
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud
over the water, and slow clouds
seem to catch on bare-armed trees.
I’ll watch as the sun slinks down
behind the heather-covered hills,
throwing shadows
that creep over the moor,
towing darkness.


When night has triumphed
and the evening chorus dies
I’ll wait for your wraith
to break away from the dusky
kingdom of memories.
My Princess of Yorkshire,
you’ll curtsy, your hand
held out to claim mine. This time
take me with you. I’ll wait.
 
 










First draft




This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry.




I’ll wait down by the river
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch
on bare-armed trees. From the cemetery wall
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep
over the plain, towing darkness.
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.
I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand
held out to touch mine. This time
take me with you. I’ll wait.

What's the matter? Isn't a zombie Heathcliff serious enough?

try and be more specific, in the serious forum it's mainly in depth feedback, i'd suggest hanging around mild and novice with the feedback for a while till you get a taste for it./mod

I liked some of the imagery eg clouds catching bare-armed trees. Very descriptive and rich. Overall, the poem has the ability to draw the reader in. However, I felt that I was left hanging (and not necessarily in a good way) by the ending. It was somewhat of an anticlimax for me personally, although that is just my opinion. Slightly too vague - left wondering what it was all about. Overall, I liked the feel/tone/imagery but felt there was a certain "missing element" ... (apologies I can't be more specific!)

Thank you, naked! I'm sorry you thought there was something missing. Maybe if I made the title 'Heathcliff calls to Cathy's ghost'?

for some reason i like This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry. better for the title though it doesn't intimate wuthering heights.
some good sounds at play within the poem. i mentioned only one line; there are more. i thought the first half excellent. the images while not unplease had a sadness to them. the latter half though weaker showed the yearning of woman to be taken away.
i think the latter part could use a little of the stronger imagery you play with in the first part, if only to make the anguish/longing more painful.

(03-28-2015, 06:28 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry.
I’ll wait down by the river
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud good alliteration and assonance and consonance if you count the ll's as such. also a good image
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch is the comma and [and] and [seem to] needed?
on bare-armed trees. From the cemetery wall love the step from catch to bare armed.
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep
over the plain, towing darkness. i thought about this line and it works. it's like a hand that pulls a sheet up in bed.
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.
I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand
held out to touch mine. This time
take me with you. I’ll wait.

I like the sense of time within the poem. During the course of the story, the narrator is going through the course of a whole day and even still has enough patience to wait at the end.

Thanks billy and voker. Things to think about.

(03-28-2015, 06:28 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry.




I’ll wait down by the river
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud <-- yes! love this
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch <-- wonderful image
on bare-armed trees. From the cemetery wall 
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind <-- maybe slink beneath? down behind sounds so generic...
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep <-- creeping shadows is a touch cliche
over the plain, towing darkness. <-- towing darkness...yes!!
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.  <-- another wonderful image. i love lying awake at night and listening to the night sounds waning
I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see <-- nice enjambment!
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand <-- a little flat here
held out to touch mine. This time 
take me with you. I’ll wait. <-- love the cyclical nature of this, the way it connects with the beginning

this is beautiful, mercedes. i do wish that the last few lines matched the rest of the poem's imagery and beautiful word choice...it ends really well but the last few lines leading up to the last two sentences are just kind of "meh" for me. one thing that you might consider is breaking it up into strophes to slow down the read. as it is, i wanted to read it slowly but the way the line breaks are set (some of them awkwardly) i felt like i had to speed through it; it's worth reading slowly, and strophes might help drive the ending home a bit better than in this current form. just an idea of what it might look like without any other edits:

I’ll wait down by the river 
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch
on bare-armed trees. 

From the cemetery wall
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind 
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep
over the plain, towing darkness.
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.

I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand
held out to touch mine. 
This time, take me with you. I’ll wait.



it's a fine poem, regardless. really loved being able to dig into it!

(03-29-2015, 12:07 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  

(03-28-2015, 06:28 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry.




I’ll wait down by the river
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud <-- yes! love this
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch <-- wonderful image
on bare-armed trees. From the cemetery wall 
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind <-- maybe slink beneath? down behind sounds so generic...
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep <-- creeping shadows is a touch cliche
over the plain, towing darkness. <-- towing darkness...yes!!
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.  <-- another wonderful image. i love lying awake at night and listening to the night sounds waning
I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see <-- nice enjambment!
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand <-- a little flat here
held out to touch mine. This time 
take me with you. I’ll wait. <-- love the cyclical nature of this, the way it connects with the beginning

this is beautiful, mercedes. i do wish that the last few lines matched the rest of the poem's imagery and beautiful word choice...it ends really well but the last few lines leading up to the last two sentences are just kind of "meh" for me. one thing that you might consider is breaking it up into strophes to slow down the read. as it is, i wanted to read it slowly but the way the line breaks are set (some of them awkwardly) i felt like i had to speed through it; it's worth reading slowly, and strophes might help drive the ending home a bit better than in this current form. just an idea of what it might look like without any other edits:

I’ll wait down by the river 
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch
on bare-armed trees. 

From the cemetery wall
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind 
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep
over the plain, towing darkness.
I’ll wait until night takes over
and the evening chorus has quietened.

I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see
you break away from the dark
and step to me, smiling, your hand
held out to touch mine. 
This time, take me with you. I’ll wait.



it's a fine poem, regardless. really loved being able to dig into it!

Thank you for your great response! I'm taking it on board, will revise soon.

(03-28-2015, 06:28 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  This is someone's fault for writing about Zombie poetry. Hahahaha wait this is about Wuthering Heights? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Okay, laughter done, time to begin.

I’ll wait down by the river I TOOK HER HAND JUST LIKE MY DAUGHTER WON'T.....er, nevermind.
where willow leaves lay a yellow shroud The internal rhyme here works beautifully.
over water, and slow clouds seem to catch I'm a bit irked by the lack of a "the" before the "water".
on bare-armed trees. From the cemetery wall Comma at the end, here.
I’ll watch the sun slink down behind
Monaro hills, throwing shadows that creep "Monaro hills"? Eh? I don't remember Wuthering Heights being set down under.
over the plain, towing darkness. That's a very grand but stark image; perfect if you really are talking about WH here!
I’ll wait until night takes over Maybe a comma here, at the end? And I'm again irked by a lack of article....the rhythm, I think, won't be hurt by it.
and the evening chorus has quietened. "has quietened" sounds rather prosaic, especially in terms of the stresses. Maybe "and the evening chorus quiets down"?
I’ll strain to hear you coming, to see The enjambment here is a bit awful. Not a very clean or tense break....
you break away from the dark ....but if you moved "to see" here, the rhythm will be a bit off. Maybe change "from the dark", since by my reading, the spondee "-way from" forms a rather awkward caesura, and with that gone, "to see you break away...." would no longer be so slowed.
and step to me, smiling, your hand I can't help but feel that this line is crammed a bit too much with images. Perhaps if "and step to me" was broken in two, as "your hand held out to touch" is so broken?
held out to touch mine. This time Comma at the end.
take me with you. I’ll wait. Maybe a colon instead of the earlier period?


Suggested re-lining of the last two sentences:


"I'll strain to hear you coming,
to see you break away
from the dark, and step
to me, smiling, with your hand
held out to touch mine. This time,
take me with you: I'll wait."


Otherwise, plain in its beauty, this poem, like its eponym, and very sweet, too, though unfortunately not as bat-poop crazy (hehe). Thanks for the great read!

Getting there slowly!