The monkey puzzle tree - edit #1

[just mercedes]

Edit #1


The monkey puzzle tree
 
 
I can’t climb the monkey puzzle tree.
It’s not just the pointed scales  
on branches tangled together
like a mad woman’s knitting.
The white dust that covers them
puffs into my eyes and stings.
I can’t pick a clear path up
from branch to branch.
 
They’re from Chile originally; there are
no monkeys in Chile. This one grows
in my father’s aunt’s front yard. No garden,
no shrubs or flowers, just this tall ugly tree
in the sandy soil beside the estuary, some
marram grass clumps here and there.
 
My great aunt has died. Relatives
are cleaning and sorting out her house.
She had bad lungs. Mum says
bad lungs run in that side of the family.
She says I’m too young to help.
 
I have nothing to do but wait.
I listen to the whisper of wind
through the tree, watch as clouds
of dust from the cement works
on Marsden Point make their way
slowly over the water
towards me.
 
 
 
 
 
 



First draft



I can’t climb the monkey puzzle tree.
It isn’t just the pointed scales all over
its trunk and branches, tangled together
‘like a mad woman’s knitting’ says Dad.
I can’t pick out a clear path up
from branch to branch and it’s covered
in white dust that puffs into my eyes
and stings.

Sailing ship captains planted these
all over the Pacific. Their timber made
strong masts in an emergency.
They’re from Chile originally; there are
no monkeys in Chile. This one grows
in my father’s aunt’s front yard. No garden,
no shrubs or flowers, just this tall ugly tree
in the sandy soil beside the estuary, some
marram grass clumps here and there.

My great aunt has died. Relations
are cleaning and sorting her house.
She had bad lungs. Mum says
bad lungs run in that side of the family.
I have nothing to do but wait.
I listen to the whisper of wind
through the tree, watch the cloud
of dust from the cement works
on the far side of the harbour
make its slow way over the water
towards me.

[Leah S.]

Leave off the phrase, "says my Dad." It made me think he was the one trying to climb the tree. I think the stanzas need rearranging, especially the exposition of the tree's history. I had to dig for it, but buried in the poem is a childhood experience that I could really identify with. I think you need to uncover it a little more. Especially the way the boredom is colored by a faint distaste, and why you were brought along, but then allowed to go outside (sent outside?) instead of being expected to help.
Lastly, are you just waiting for the 'relations' (shouldn't it be 'relatives' ?)to be finished with their tedious task, or are you waiting for the poisonous monkey tree dust to cause you also to die from bad lungs....?
Carry on. Leah

[just mercedes]

Thanks Leah. I'm not sure what you mean by 'dig for it'. I'm not sure it's important why the N has found themselves outside. 'Relations' was used rather than 'relatives' to bring in another layer of meaning. And yes, I did want the ending to offer more than one meaning.

[Todd]

Mercedes, its a cool name for a tree and as a poem title it pulls me in. Here are my thoughts as I engaged with the poem:

I can’t climb the monkey puzzle tree. --This may not be your intent but I almost took this after finishing the poem and starting back through, is I can't deal with my own impending mortality that I am reflecting on in light of the death in the family.
It isn’t just the pointed scales all over
its trunk and branches, tangled together
‘like a mad woman’s knitting’ says Dad.--Not that your saying it here but the tree may be a stand in for the Aunt, or the overall pain and futility in life. I may be reading more into it but there's an Ecclesiastes sense to this struggle. 
I can’t pick out a clear path up
from branch to branch and it’s covered
in white dust that puffs into my eyes
and stings.

Sailing ship captains planted these
all over the Pacific. Their timber made
strong masts in an emergency. --I'm not as much a fan of these three lines they pull from the narrative and feel too much like an information dump. I would consider cutting them and stay close to the narrative by starting this strophe with the next line. Just a thought to consider.
They’re from Chile originally; there are
no monkeys in Chile. This one grows
in my father’s aunt’s front yard. No garden,
no shrubs or flowers, just this tall ugly tree
in the sandy soil beside the estuary, some
marram grass clumps here and there.--This gives a sense of life being an ugly, hard struggle.

My great aunt has died. Relations
are cleaning and sorting her house.
She had bad lungs. Mum says
bad lungs run in that side of the family.
I have nothing to do but wait.--I like this line for its ominous double meaning. There is waiting in the situation and also waiting for the grim inheritance of this genetic payload.
I listen to the whisper of wind
through the tree, watch the cloud--simulating breathing. Like this the image carries the fear.
of dust from the cement works
on the far side of the harbour
make its slow way over the water
towards me.--This is the encroaching death. The mortality of the speaker in front of them.

To me, this was a subtle narrative dealing with mortality. I might be missing some but except for those three lines I pointed out I had no major issues with the execution of it all.

I hope some of this helped.

Best,

Todd

[just mercedes]

Thanks Todd - yes, good points.

[Erthona]

JM,

I don't really have enough to justify a serious critique, but just personally, I would like to see the idea of congestion introduced earlier so that the dust gets in your eyes and your nose. I'm assuming it is the concrete dust that contributed to your great aunt's lung condition, thus bringing it full circle. Sure there are a few editing things you can do to make it better, or at least cleaner, but I think that has been covered. Great description of the tree. I had to go look up some pictures of it. Nice poem.

Dale

[just mercedes]

Thanks all - slowly getting there I think!

[RiverNotch]

Just a few comments. All in all, this is really, really great! I find the tree to be a sort of metaphor for growing up, with the relatives being, somehow, related to the idea of the dust somehow choking out the aunt, and with the speaker being the inheritor of the lonely nature of the aunt.


The monkey puzzle tree
 
I can’t climb the monkey puzzle tree.
It’s not just the pointed scales  
on branches tangled together
like a mad woman’s knitting. Great image! I see the great aunt of later being the mad woman in this image.
The white dust that covers them
puffs into my eyes and stings. Instead of eyes, maybe nose or lungs? It does increase the kinship of the speaker to the aunt....*
I can’t pick a clear path up
from branch to branch.
 
They’re from Chile originally; there are
no monkeys in Chile. This one grows
in my father’s aunt’s front yard. No garden, "father's aunt's" is a bit of a mouthful; I would prefer "great aunt's". And "front yard", I think, would be more natural sounding if shortened to "yard".
no shrubs or flowers, just this tall ugly tree 
in the sandy soil beside the estuary, some
marram grass clumps here and there. I don't think "clumps" is needed there, plus it sort of breaks the rhythm.
 
My great aunt has died. Relatives "My great aunt is dead" would probably give that statement more power, as well as fit with the direct declarations opening the other stanzas.
are cleaning and sorting out her house.
She had bad lungs. Mum says
bad lungs run in that side of the family. I sort of see how "father's aunt's" plays here, but still.
She says I’m too young to help. I find it more natural a mode of speech if the speaker connected this to the earlier sentence with "also". "She also says..."
 
I have nothing to do but wait.
I listen to the whisper of wind
through the tree, watch as clouds
of dust from the cement works
on Marsden Point make their way *...and it would make the nature of the dust then seem more in line with the nature of the dust here. Whereas the dust blinding the speaker earlier would imply something about the dust simply being a blinding element, here, it manages to evoke a greater sense of setting, which isn't really blinding to anyone.
slowly over the water
towards me.


Thanks for the great read!

[just mercedes]

I think this is done.

[Todd]

Beautiful revision, Mercedes. More economy, more clarity. Just tighter.

My only call out, and this is purely subjective, is wondering if you really need this line (I understand why you might keep it):

She says I’m too young to help.

Best,

Todd