I heard them breathing, giants sleeping; distant dirge that filled the air.
Late light lay long upon  the heathland; carmine garb in folded layers.
A squally blast of warning weather smoked along horizon's line.
Tearing clouds rose red and spread; grey linen laved in altar wine.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around.
Up came the wind, railing rage; down hurled God's tears but soon the sound
of peening on the hard ground ceased, as water soaked the darkening fell.
Dragons chased around the heavens,  now baleful as the eyes of Hell.
The giants, angered, rose from slumber, thunderously they called my name.
They called me Storm, they called me Deluge; but I am Fury...hurricane!
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987. The UK hurricane. Uncompleted)

It keeps on changing every time I read it so hopefully some of this will make sense.

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard the breath of giants sleeping, a distant dirge that filled the air. -- I like the dramatic opening, it sets it up well
The light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garbs in  folded layers. -- I think I preferred 'heather' to 'heathland' as you originally had it
A blast, a squall, of warning weather, smoked along horizon's line;-- It could be said that 'a blast' and 'a squall' were the same thing so one of these would seem redundant
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen splashed with altar wine.-- I'm not sure about the 'tearing' here perhaps because it could be seen as in teardrops which would clash with God's tears a couple of lines down, also I don't think tearing sounds violent enough for what is happening, I don't think 'ripping' sounds a lot more violent but the sonics flow better with 'rose red'. I do like the internal rhyme here and I also like the fact that you've dropped 'like' from the original turning a simile into a metaphor, it works better.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around.
Up came the wind in wails of anger, down hurled  God's tears until the sound
became the very air that shivered, shook then rang a deathly knell.-- I'm undecided as to whether 'deathly knell' is a cliche but it would seem borderline.
Great circles spiralled in the heavens, darker than the eye of Hell,-- 'circles' and 'spiralled' seem to be at odds with each other here, is one of them redundant
and giants woke and rose from slumber, thunderously they called my names;-- the beginning of this line is very awkward with the two 'and' also 'woke' and 'rose from slumber' are basically the same thing
for I am Storm and I am Tumult, I am the fury...Hurricane.-- I don't know enough about the correct use of ellipsis but I was led to believe that they were almost cliche but I'm probably wrong about that.
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

I like the drama that you have created here and at times I really get a sense of the power and fury that is taking place.
Thanks for the read,

Mark

(03-08-2015, 12:48 AM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  It keeps on changing every time I read it so hopefully some of this will make sense.

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard the breath of giants sleeping, a distant dirge that filled the air. -- I like the dramatic opening, it sets it up well
The light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garbs in  folded layers. -- I think I preferred 'heather' to 'heathland' as you originally had it
A blast, a squall, of warning weather, smoked along horizon's line;-- It could be said that 'a blast' and 'a squall' were the same thing so one of these would seem redundant
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen splashed with altar wine.-- I'm not sure about the 'tearing' here perhaps because it could be seen as in teardrops which would clash with God's tears a couple of lines down, also I don't think tearing sounds violent enough for what is happening, I don't think 'ripping' sounds a lot more violent but the sonics flow better with 'rose red'. I do like the internal rhyme here and I also like the fact that you've dropped 'like' from the original turning a simile into a metaphor, it works better.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around.
Up came the wind in wails of anger, down hurled  God's tears until the sound
became the very air that shivered, shook then rang a deathly knell.-- I'm undecided as to whether 'deathly knell' is a cliche but it would seem borderline.
Great circles spiralled in the heavens, darker than the eye of Hell,-- 'circles' and 'spiralled' seem to be at odds with each other here, is one of them redundant
and giants woke and rose from slumber, thunderously they called my names;-- the beginning of this line is very awkward with the two 'and' also 'woke' and 'rose from slumber' are basically the same thing
for I am Storm and I am Tumult, I am the fury...Hurricane.-- I don't know enough about the correct use of ellipsis but I was led to believe that they were almost cliche but I'm probably wrong about that.
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

I like the drama that you have created here and at times I really get a sense of the power and fury that is taking place.
Thanks for the read,

Mark

Hi ambrose,
he he he as billy would say. Yep, this is a copy and paste from an oldie I wrote just after the south coast storm...I was there.On-line editing is a fault of mine.
It came in over the Cornish heathland but heather was sparce. Hell of a  night...I felt I
I was part of it. I'll leave it to brew a while now.
Thanks and credited,
tectak

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard the breathing, giants sleeping, a distant dirge that filled the air.
Late light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garbs in folded layers. "garb" is synonymous with "clothing" and adding the 's' really pulled me up short. I would just say "garb."
A squally blast of warning weather, smoked along horizon's line;
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen laved in altar wine. I read both "tearing" and "rose" as puns or double meanings. Hope that was what you intended.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around. the sky is erupting fire, right? So you need a period or a semi-colon after 'open'.
Up came the wind in wails of anger, down hurled  God's tears until the sound
of peening, pelting, driving rain fell cushioned by the surface swell. don't know about "sound fell cushioned"......
Great dragons chased around the heavens, darker now than the eyes of Hell,
and giants, angered, rose from slumber, thunderously they called my names;
for I am Storm and I am Tumult, I am the fury...Hurricane. it may be overkill, but I wanted "Fury" capitalized also.
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

It's very lurid, but I like it. Did you mean to imitate Anglo Saxon poetry in the construction of your lines? If so, it's pretty inconsistent by the end. Carry on. Leah

(03-08-2015, 03:48 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard the breathing, giants sleeping, a distant dirge that filled the air.
Late light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garbs in folded layers. "garb" is synonymous with "clothing" and adding the 's' really pulled me up short. I would just say "garb." Yes. I think you are right. I willcheck it out
A squally blast of warning weather, smoked along horizon's line;
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen laved in altar wine. I read both "tearing" and "rose" as puns or double meanings. Hope that was what you intended.Yes...I am shallow like that.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around. the sky is erupting fire, right? So you need a period or a semi-colon after 'open'.Not convinced on this. Comma=and
Up came the wind in wails of anger, down hurled  God's tears until the sound
of peening, pelting, driving rain fell cushioned by the surface swell. don't know about "sound fell cushioned"......I have a major problem here. I will drink on it.
Great dragons chased around the heavens, darker now than the eyes of Hell,
and giants, angered, rose from slumber, thunderously they called my names;
for I am Storm and I am Tumult, I am the fury...Hurricane. it may be overkill, but I wanted "Fury" capitalized also.No. Love yah though
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

It's very lurid, but I like it. Did you mean to imitate Anglo Saxon poetry in the construction of your lines? If so, it's pretty inconsistent by the end. Carry on. Leah

Thanks leah
I am a fucking anglo saxon....so what's to imitate
Very best,
good stuff,
tectak

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard them breathing, giants sleeping, distant dirge that filled the air.
Late light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garb in folded layers. I think the alliteration feels overkill here, especially after "distant dirge."
A squally blast of warning weather smoked along horizon's line;
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen laved in altar wine. This image is unique and insightful, I particularly like the altar wine introduction.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around.
Up came the wind in wails of rage, down hurled God's tears until the sound
of peening rain upon dry land was drowned out by the surface swell. As "God's tears" are presumed to be rain, the "peening rain" seems repetitive. This could just be a personally weird thing.
Dragons chased around the heavens, darker now than eyes of Hell.
The giants, angered, rose from slumber, thunderously they called my name.
They called out Storm, they called out Deluge; but I am fury...Hurricane. I like the end, it adds a punch that seems needed in the fluid style of this poem.
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

I couldn't help but be constantly annoyed by how much alliteration there is in this poem. We use alliteration to draw emphasis and create rhythm, but it makes the poem sound weird at some point. Regardless of alliteration, I do like this poem. God's tears seems like a little cliche'd for describing rain, but to each their own I guess. Please continue.

(03-09-2015, 08:12 AM)fromcancertocapricorn Wrote:  

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard them breathing, giants sleeping, distant dirge that filled the air.
Late light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garb in folded layers. I think the alliteration feels overkill here, especially after "distant dirge."
A squally blast of warning weather smoked along horizon's line;
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen laved in altar wine. This image is unique and insightful, I particularly like the altar wine introduction.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around.
Up came the wind in wails of rage, down hurled God's tears until the sound
of peening rain upon dry land was drowned out by the surface swell. As "God's tears" are presumed to be rain, the "peening rain" seems repetitive. This could just be a personally weird thing.
Dragons chased around the heavens, darker now than eyes of Hell.
The giants, angered, rose from slumber, thunderously they called my name.
They called out Storm, they called out Deluge; but I am fury...Hurricane. I like the end, it adds a punch that seems needed in the fluid style of this poem.
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

I couldn't help but be constantly annoyed by how much alliteration there is in this poem. We use alliteration to draw emphasis and create rhythm, but it makes the poem sound weird at some point. Regardless of alliteration, I do like this poem. God's tears seems like a little cliche'd for describing rain, but to each their own I guess. Please continue.

Hi from,
yes...you are quite right on the God's tears/rain issue. Good catch. I need to change it. Credit.
lotsaalliteration. Again, too true. Trouble is, after years at this poetry caper your (my) mind thinks in such a way that to NOT alliterate would be just too much for me
Thanks for stopping by,
best,
tectak.

(03-08-2015, 05:18 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(03-08-2015, 03:48 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  

(03-07-2015, 11:43 PM)tectak Wrote:  I heard the breathing, giants sleeping, a distant dirge that filled the air.
Late light lay long upon  the heathland, carmine garbs in folded layers. "garb" is synonymous with "clothing" and adding the 's' really pulled me up short. I would just say "garb." Yes. I think you are right. I willcheck it out
A squally blast of warning weather, smoked along horizon's line;
tearing clouds rose red and spread, grey linen laved in altar wine. I read both "tearing" and "rose" as puns or double meanings. Hope that was what you intended.Yes...I am shallow like that.
Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around. the sky is erupting fire, right? So you need a period or a semi-colon after 'open'.Not convinced on this. Comma=and
Up came the wind in wails of anger, down hurled  God's tears until the sound
of peening, pelting, driving rain fell cushioned by the surface swell. don't know about "sound fell cushioned"......I have a major problem here. I will drink on it.
Great dragons chased around the heavens, darker now than the eyes of Hell,
and giants, angered, rose from slumber, thunderously they called my names;
for I am Storm and I am Tumult, I am the fury...Hurricane. it may be overkill, but I wanted "Fury" capitalized also.No. Love yah though
tectak
1987
(from Metaphysics...Storm 1987.Uncompleted)

It's very lurid, but I like it. Did you mean to imitate Anglo Saxon poetry in the construction of your lines? If so, it's pretty inconsistent by the end. Carry on. Leah

Thanks leah
I am a fucking anglo saxon....so what's to imitate
Very best,
good stuff,
tectak

Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around. the sky is erupting fire, right? So you need a period or a semi-colon after 'open'.Not convinced on this. Comma=and
(?) Erupting fire and the sky split open and rakish rays fanned wide around.
Luv ya too  ><

(03-10-2015, 03:47 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  

(03-08-2015, 05:18 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(03-08-2015, 03:48 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  It's very lurid, but I like it. Did you mean to imitate Anglo Saxon poetry in the construction of your lines? If so, it's pretty inconsistent by the end. Carry on. Leah

Thanks leah
I am a fucking anglo saxon....so what's to imitate
Very best,
good stuff,
tectak

Erupting fire, the sky split open, rakish rays fanned wide around. the sky is erupting fire, right? So you need a period or a semi-colon after 'open'.Not convinced on this. Comma=and
(?) Erupting fire and the sky split open and rakish rays fanned wide around.
Luv ya too  ><

No and not every comma and just the one after "open".
"Erupting fire, the sky split open and rakish rays fanned wide around"

...but you knew that and didn't you?
Oh, and I gave you Fury, too
Best,
tectak