Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice;
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you.
Some say that love of words, though meant, will fail to hearts entice;
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.

You who lampoon the love struck loon with cliche cry and claim,
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
the chill sets in, your blood runs cold, and though you feel no pain,
another sense will heighten and your passion turn to hate.

Embrace the words of those in love, who find what once was lost,
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youthful but broken, bleeding hearts, dismayed when first they're crossed.
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
2014

First, I like it. The following are quibbles:
L3 you're straining the rhyme by reversing the word order. Also, it seems unnecessary to say "hearts" when you are talking about one heart. "--ice" is an easy rhyme, I suggest revision.
L7 I was unsettled by the rhyme of "claim" with "pain." All your other rhymes are straightforward, with no other slant or internal rhymes. It seems the overall tone is facetious so I think you could replace either word with an exact rhyme without too much trouble.
L5/6 grammatical suggestion: change it to "You, who would judge the lovestruck loon with cliché cry and claim, forget......."
Last stanza: I have trouble with the sense of it. You exhort your subject (the cynical critic) to read the words of "those who once knew love" but then you interject another instruction to the critic to "find what once was lost." That confuses the whole rest of the stanza. Are you recommending that he read, or that he go and find, "the endless searcher;" the "thwarted soul bereaved, bereft, alone;" and so on? You could change it to "Read words from those who once knew love, to find what once was lost;".
Anyway, it is a fun and wryly humorous read. Write on.

(12-21-2014, 01:08 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  First, I like it. The following are quibbles:
L3 you're straining the rhyme by reversing the word order. Also, it seems unnecessary to say "hearts" when you are talking about one heart. "--ice" is an easy rhyme, I suggest revision.
L7 I was unsettled by the rhyme of "claim" with "pain." All your other rhymes are straightforward, with no other slant or internal rhymes. It seems the overall tone is facetious so I think you could replace either word with an exact rhyme without too much trouble.
L5/6 grammatical suggestion: change it to "You, who would judge the lovestruck loon with cliché cry and claim, forget......."
Last stanza: I have trouble with the sense of it. You exhort your subject (the cynical critic) to read the words of "those who once knew love" but then you interject another instruction to the critic to "find what once was lost." That confuses the whole rest of the stanza. Are you recommending that he read, or that he go and find, "the endless searcher;" the "thwarted soul bereaved, bereft, alone;" and so on? You could change it to "Read words from those who once knew love, to find what once was lost;".
Anyway, it is a fun and wryly humorous read. Write on.

...and I like your crit.
In order. Yes. Ice makes for easy rhyme. Easy is easy, I like difficult. You are still correct, though...but I do not like mice, nice, rice,dice or lice. Hmmm...I haven't done THAT for a while! Still, I will reconsider...though I have already done so once. Suggestions?
Claim/pain. Guilty as charged. Needs looking at.
No to your suggested grammar change. No to mine, too. The comma after "loon" is incorrect. Will edit out.
Sorry to confuse. Again, my punctuation is wonky. It is meant to read as a list. It doesn't. This will need close scrutiny to get right. I will rework it. Thanks. Good catch.

This is an example of blindness of the writer. Though I have proof read this several times with St.Emilion I think I will try again with a Sancerre Rouge...or perhaps just a glass of water....it could take some time.
Best and thanks again,
tectak

(12-21-2014, 02:12 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(12-21-2014, 01:08 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  First, I like it. The following are quibbles:
L3 you're straining the rhyme by reversing the word order. Also, it seems unnecessary to say "hearts" when you are talking about one heart. "--ice" is an easy rhyme, I suggest revision.
L7 I was unsettled by the rhyme of "claim" with "pain." All your other rhymes are straightforward, with no other slant or internal rhymes. It seems the overall tone is facetious so I think you could replace either word with an exact rhyme without too much trouble.
L5/6 grammatical suggestion: change it to "You, who would judge the lovestruck loon with cliché cry and claim, forget......."
Last stanza: I have trouble with the sense of it. You exhort your subject (the cynical critic) to read the words of "those who once knew love" but then you interject another instruction to the critic to "find what once was lost." That confuses the whole rest of the stanza. Are you recommending that he read, or that he go and find, "the endless searcher;" the "thwarted soul bereaved, bereft, alone;" and so on? You could change it to "Read words from those who once knew love, to find what once was lost;".
Anyway, it is a fun and wryly humorous read. Write on.

...and I like your crit.
In order. Yes. Ice makes for easy rhyme. Easy is easy, I like difficult. You are still correct, though...but I do not like mice, nice, rice,dice or lice. Hmmm...I haven't done THAT for a while! Still, I will reconsider...though I have already done so once. Suggestions?
Claim/pain. Guilty as charged. Needs looking at.
No to your suggested grammar change. No to mine, too. The comma after "loon" is incorrect. Will edit out.
Sorry to confuse. Again, my punctuation is wonky. It is meant to read as a list. It doesn't. This will need  close scrutiny to get right. I will rework it. Thanks. Good catch.

This is an example of blindness of the writer. Though I have proof read this several times with St.Emilion I think I will try  again with a Sancerre Rouge...or perhaps just a glass of water....it could take some time.
Best and thanks again,
tectak

It was "entice" I was talking about......I like "ice" right where it is.

(12-21-2014, 03:16 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  

(12-21-2014, 02:12 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(12-21-2014, 01:08 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  First, I like it. The following are quibbles:
L3 you're straining the rhyme by reversing the word order. Also, it seems unnecessary to say "hearts" when you are talking about one heart. "--ice" is an easy rhyme, I suggest revision.
L7 I was unsettled by the rhyme of "claim" with "pain." All your other rhymes are straightforward, with no other slant or internal rhymes. It seems the overall tone is facetious so I think you could replace either word with an exact rhyme without too much trouble.
L5/6 grammatical suggestion: change it to "You, who would judge the lovestruck loon with cliché cry and claim, forget......."
Last stanza: I have trouble with the sense of it. You exhort your subject (the cynical critic) to read the words of "those who once knew love" but then you interject another instruction to the critic to "find what once was lost." That confuses the whole rest of the stanza. Are you recommending that he read, or that he go and find, "the endless searcher;" the "thwarted soul bereaved, bereft, alone;" and so on? You could change it to "Read words from those who once knew love, to find what once was lost;".
Anyway, it is a fun and wryly humorous read. Write on.

...and I like your crit.
In order. Yes. Ice makes for easy rhyme. Easy is easy, I like difficult. You are still correct, though...but I do not like mice, nice, rice,dice or lice. Hmmm...I haven't done THAT for a while! Still, I will reconsider...though I have already done so once. Suggestions?
Claim/pain. Guilty as charged. Needs looking at.
No to your suggested grammar change. No to mine, too. The comma after "loon" is incorrect. Will edit out.
Sorry to confuse. Again, my punctuation is wonky. It is meant to read as a list. It doesn't. This will need  close scrutiny to get right. I will rework it. Thanks. Good catch.

This is an example of blindness of the writer. Though I have proof read this several times with St.Emilion I think I will try  again with a Sancerre Rouge...or perhaps just a glass of water....it could take some time.
Best and thanks again,
tectak

It was "entice" I was talking about......I like "ice" right where it is.

...so was I.....but what to rhyme with ice?

(12-21-2014, 03:19 AM)tectak Wrote:  

(12-21-2014, 03:16 AM)Leah S. Wrote:  

(12-21-2014, 02:12 AM)tectak Wrote:  ...and I like your crit.
In order. Yes. Ice makes for easy rhyme. Easy is easy, I like difficult. You are still correct, though...but I do not like mice, nice, rice,dice or lice. Hmmm...I haven't done THAT for a while! Still, I will reconsider...though I have already done so once. Suggestions?
Claim/pain. Guilty as charged. Needs looking at.
No to your suggested grammar change. No to mine, too. The comma after "loon" is incorrect. Will edit out.
Sorry to confuse. Again, my punctuation is wonky. It is meant to read as a list. It doesn't. This will need  close scrutiny to get right. I will rework it. Thanks. Good catch.

This is an example of blindness of the writer. Though I have proof read this several times with St.Emilion I think I will try  again with a Sancerre Rouge...or perhaps just a glass of water....it could take some time.
Best and thanks again,
tectak

It was "entice" I was talking about......I like "ice" right where it is.

...so was I.....but what to rhyme with ice?

Well, you'd have to rewrite the whole line, I think. (",though meant," is deadwood and could be cut to give you scansion room.) I'm drawn to "sacrifice, self-sacrifice, paradise" for options. "Price" has possibilities too, but there is a wormhole just waiting for you to go down here. I don't mean for the whole poem to be rewritten, for sure.

Just following along. I wonder if "suffice" is closer to your meaning anyway. Good luck.

(12-21-2014, 03:52 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Just following along. I wonder if "suffice" is closer to your meaning anyway. Good luck.

To leah and tiger.
I don't know if you noticed....apologies if you did...but the line spins on "love of words" NOT "words of love". Implication?...That poetic wordiness, though likely sincere, does not entice your lover. Words of love might Hence use of entice. It is calculated....but if it fails it is my fault.
Best,
tectak

Ah an autobiography, splendid.

Por que, is the first line in eight, but the rest in seven? Otherwise this is simply ballad meter extended over two lines instead of broken up as four and three as any normal troubadour would do, but you have you always been a fawner to the French. Still, I know you heart means ill, so I will forgive you. Extra space in L2 between picture and glass. L5 you go off meter as the accented syllable is on the second syllable of cliche, not the first.
L3 already noted syntactical reversal.
L6 extra space between "flame  has"
L5 "cliche cry and claim," I can appreciate the alliteration here, but that is about all as cry and claim should precede cliche,as in "They cry and claim cliche." Then it actually makes sense. This is not something you would let pass in someone elses  poem, why then in yours?
L8 "another sense will heighten" what? or what is this "other" sense? There are five I believe. Smell, sight, touch, hearing, and taste. To which of these senses do you refer?
L9 You are no doubt a far greater grammarian than I, still this smells bad to me, is this some kind of British grammar?

"Embrace the words of those who loved"

Embrace the words of those who love. or "Embrace the words of those who have loved"

Ah this is a line worthy of you. "the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;" Most excellent!

As always, your devoted serpent,


Dale

---

Oh, well, ice...will this suffice - price, spice, vise, advise, devise, entise, excise, suffice (I'm not going to write the whole damn line for you, that's your problem). There are of course more, but these seem the most likely. I do like paradise, but it looks to be difficult.

"Some say that love of words, though meant, will fail to hearts entice" This is only true, poets make terrible lovers, they will stop in the middle of sex to write a poem that just came into their silly heads, probably not even a very good one. Talk about coitus interruptus, or rather write about it, poets rarely have the opportunity to experience the fantasy they write about, if they did, they would never write about them.

The only problem with this poem, other than what has been pointed out, is it is more clever than biting. Evidently the writer has a soft spot for the loon and the endless searcher. Of course if the searcher is endless, he may as well stop now anyways.  

Your humble savant,


Dale

PS, Oh yes Tom, She meant the second part of the line being reversed "will fail to hearts entice", or at least I assume. That's rather poor, don't you think. The "love of words" and "words of love" is a very clever play, I don't think she meant that at all.

(12-21-2014, 09:41 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Ah an autobiography, splendid.

Por que, is the first line in eight, but the rest in seven? Otherwise this is simply ballad meter extended over two lines instead of broken up as four and three as any normal troubadour would do, but you have you always been a fawner to the French. Still, I know you heart means ill, so I will forgive you. Extra space in L2 between picture and glass. L5 you go off meter as the accented syllable is on the second syllable of cliche, not the first.
L3 already noted syntactical reversal.
L6 extra space between "flame  has"
L5 "cliche cry and claim," I can appreciate the alliteration here, but that is about all as cry and claim should precede cliche,as in "They cry and claim cliche." Then it actually makes sense. This is not something you would let pass in someone elses  poem, why then in yours?
L8 "another sense will heighten" what? or what is this "other" sense? There are five I believe. Smell, sight, touch, hearing, and taste. To which of these senses do you refer?
L9 You are no doubt a far greater grammarian than I, still this smells bad to me, is this some kind of British grammar?

"Embrace the words of those who loved"

Embrace the words of those who love. or "Embrace the words of those who have loved"

Ah this is a line worthy of you. "the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;" Most excellent!

As always, your devoted serpent,


Dale

---

Oh, well, ice...will this suffice - price, spice, vise, advise, devise, entise, excise, suffice (I'm not going to write the whole damn line for you, that's your problem). There are of course more, but these seem the most likely. I do like paradise, but it looks to be difficult.

"Some say that love of words, though meant, will fail to hearts entice" This is only true, poets make terrible lovers, they will stop in the middle of sex to write a poem that just came into their silly heads, probably not even a very good one. Talk about coitus interruptus, or rather write about it, poets rarely have the opportunity to experience the fantasy they write about, if they did, they would never write about them.

The only problem with this poem, other than what has been pointed out, is it is more clever than biting. Evidently the writer has a soft spot for the loon and the endless searcher. Of course if the searcher is endless, he may as well stop now anyways.  

Your humble savant,


Dale

PS, Oh yes Tom, She meant the second part of the line being reversed "will fail to hearts entice", or at least I assume. That's rather poor, don't you think. The "love of words" and "words of love" is a very clever play, I don't think she meant that at all.

Thanks Dale. Sorted in edit.
English clee-shay....french clee-SHAY...Touche!
Extra spaces? Never notice them. White space rarely intentional.
Best,
tectak

(12-20-2014, 08:00 AM)tectak Wrote:  Fresh words of love are hesitant, a kiss too soon meets ice; I like 'hesitant' here for the way it mimics the action
like glass upon your picture keeps my lips from touching you. this reads a bit clunky
Some say that love of words, though meant, will fail to hearts entice; don't like the reversal of word order
best keep them in some secret place, well hid from cynic's view.

You who lampoon the love struck loon with cliche cry and claim, I think love-struck needs a hyphen
forget that once the flame has left your black and empty grate,
the chill sets in, your blood runs cold, and though you feel no pain, 'blood runs cold' skirts cliche for me
another sense will heighten and your passion turn to hate.

Embrace the words of those in love, who find what once was lost,
the endless searcher, thwarted soul, bereaved, bereft, alone;
youthful but broken, bleeding hearts, dismayed when first they're crossed. the meter shift on 'youthful' sticks out
Begone the censorship of love, write on lovelorn, write on!
tectak
2014

I rarely comment on content. I do like the flow of your poem - could quibble about syllable counts and stresses but I won't. Write on!