Exotica

[tectak]

( Note. Unusually, I ask that this is read very slowly and, dare I say it, menacingly. Help with the last line needed. Inspired by an obscure confession of a reformed sexual predator, now a counsellor. Names witheld to avoid legal repercussions....but it is not me, bena )


Your sky-high eyes bore black  in blue, like holes in  crumpled silver foil,
imploring me to change my mind, and so you press my hands upon
your disconnected aching breasts. You murmur but do not recoil;
as though through touch we transmit truths which cannot be undone.

Exotica, erotica, you play the contact game so well
that I am losing to your love. We feel  the way we do tonight,
so do not make another sound, for fear slipped words some secrets tell;
on open mouth your hard-pressed kiss will kill fool’s promises outright.

Lay curled upon my cloud, my bed…and squirm around my heat, my whole.
Become a cosmic centrifuge, a spinning maelstrom we can ride,
far down until a speck of dust is one last mote of lust control;
so small that we could lose all will, all reticence, all pride.

Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release.
Tectak
2014

[cotidiano]

Ooh, I do love a twisted narrator. There's a certain sing-songy quality to the poem that adds to the creepiness. I'm also getting a strong "Lolita" vibe. I might not have picked up on the reformed sexual predator concept if you hadn't included that preface, although the last stanza has very clear intentions. A few parts I'm unsure about:

"Your sky-high eyes bore black  in blue, like holes in  crumpled silver foil,"
>>But are holes in crumpled silver foil actually black and blue? The imagery creates a certain feeling (tin-foil hats come to mind), but I can't visualize it in connection with eyes.

"you play the contact game so well"
>>For me, the adjective "contact" distracts from the lyrical/flirty tone here. Perhaps it's just not suggestive or physical enough of a word in comparison to "aching breasts," "recoil," and "transmit." There's no real sexual energy to it.

"Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release."
>>Do you mean for the tone shift from the first and second line to be so abrupt? If so, it's effective, as the narrative switches from "song lyrics" to dialogue, like someone abruptly stopping a record to exclaim something. I'm not sure how I feel about the third line either, but I think the implications of the last clause are interesting, and the strong sexual connotation of the word "release" provides nice emphasis.

[tectak]

Ooh, I do love a twisted narrator. There's a certain sing-songy quality to the poem that adds to the creepiness. I'm also getting a strong "Lolita" vibe. I might not have picked up on the reformed sexual predator concept if you hadn't included that preface, although the last stanza has very clear intentions. A few parts I'm unsure about:
"Your sky-high eyes bore black  in blue, like holes in  crumpled silver foil,"
>>But are holes in crumpled silver foil actually black and blue? The imagery creates a certain feeling (tin-foil hats come to mind), but I can't visualize it in connection with eyes. She is high on crystal or somesuch. ( Here is a dale warning. Not heroin. In joke) Dilated pupils black on the pale blue cornea...silver foil reference is back to the drugs paraphenalia. Lighter, tin foil etc. That is all.
"you play the contact game so well"
>>For me, the adjective "contact" distracts from the lyrical/flirty tone here. Perhaps it's just not suggestive or physical enough of a word in comparison to "aching breasts," "recoil," and "transmit." There's no real sexual energy to it. I was trying to allude to contact "sports". Physical contact. Failed
"Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release."
>>Do you mean for the tone shift from the first and second line to be so abrupt? If so, it's effective, as the narrative switches from "song lyrics" to dialogue, like someone abruptly stopping a record to exclaim something. I'm not sure how I feel about the third line either, but I think the implications of the last clause are interesting, and the strong sexual connotation of the word "release" provides nice emphasis.

Thanks for all this. You got it and me. "Contact game " is too wide of the mark. You were right, however, about the last paragraph. According to reports, after the guys "release", he described having a Damascus moment with his last encounter and handed himself in, asking for help. The case was reported locally as public interest as he only served  only one of three years, convicted of sexual predation with an unnamed minor. He was never proven to have committed rape in law.
Thanks again
Best,
tectak

[none]

I've been reading this piece several times but find it hard to convey my thought due to the sensitive nature of the issue. I personally do not believe that a sexual predator can ever be "reformed" as pedophilia is a matter of social norm and the ever changing society moral views and not a biological one (a look at DSM V is suffice for a conclusion). But for the sake of this poem, I can say that the last stanza doesn't really make any sense. The change of mind (literally as stated in the poem) is just to sudden and out of nowhere after all the gradual built up that rocketed high beyond the cloud and into cosmic level.

In short, the last stanza is a case of "politically correct" at work. If you really wish to write controversial topic, doing it halfhearted isn't going to help your case.

[tectak]

I've been reading this piece several times but find it hard to convey my thought due to the sensitive nature of the issue. I personally do not believe that a sexual predator can ever be "reformed" as pedophilia is a matter of social norm and the ever changing society moral views and not a biological one (a look at DSM V is suffice for a conclusion). But for the sake of this poem, I can say that the last stanza doesn't really make any sense. The change of mind (literally as stated in the poem) is just to sudden and out of nowhere after all the gradual built up that rocketed high beyond the cloud and into cosmic level.

In short, the last stanza is a case of "politically correct" at work. If you really wish to write controversial topic, doing it halfhearted isn't going to help your case.

Hi None,
Yes, I hear you. The story as told was surprising for two reasons. The first is the reason you found it so...the second is that this is reportedly what happened in reality.
I think it is important  to take the poetry away from whatever labels we (and I include myself) pin on this "perpetrator". This case was remarkable because there were two victims and he was one. The girl in the poem was never identified in the story when it was related but you should know that the "predator" turned himself in without disclosing the names , if he ever knew them, or the numbers, of his victims. One questions both the motivation for the predation AND the reason why the guy went to the authorities and told his story. To the best of my recall, paedophilia was never mentioned but his initial conviction used the term "minor". I believe the case was around 1997-98. Has the law changed since then? I do not know.
Of course, my source of information here is third or fourth hand and whatever other "details" I may have been given are lost....so the poem is very restricted to the peculiarity of the circumstance....which is, in fact, your point.
Many thanks for reading the piece. I could make it longer....but that would be making it up.
Best,
tectak

[jtrom1010]

( Note. Unusually, I ask that this is read very slowly and, dare I say it, menacingly. Help with the last line needed. Inspired by an obscure confession of a reformed sexual predator, now a counsellor. Names witheld to avoid legal repercussions....but it is not me, bena )


Your sky-high eyes bore black  in blue, like holes in  crumpled silver foil,
imploring me to change my mind, and so you press my hands upon
your disconnected aching breasts. You murmur but do not recoil;
as though through touch we transmit truths which cannot be undone.

Exotica, erotica, you play the contact game so well
that I am losing to your love. We feel  the way we do tonight,
so do not make another sound, for fear slipped words some secrets tell;
on open mouth your hard-pressed kiss will kill fool’s promises outright.

Lay curled upon my cloud, my bed…and squirm around my heat, my whole.
Become a cosmic centrifuge, a spinning maelstrom we can ride,
far down until a speck of dust is one last mote of lust control;
so small that we could lose all will, all reticence, all pride.

Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release.
Tectak
2014

I have very few issues with this piece...your imagery is vivid, your structure helps make the piece read nicely, and it certainly creates the "vibe" you seemed to be looking for.
But just to build upon some of the other critiques that have been presented, I too found the change of heart to be a little abrupt. Although it's obvious there's something a little twisted and/or remorseful about the narrative, it seems to switch immediately from passion to disgust (with the situation, with the narrator's own self), and I found myself wanting to know more about how and why that happened.

Still, fantastic piece, interesting concept, invocative writing.

[tectak]

( Note. Unusually, I ask that this is read very slowly and, dare I say it, menacingly. Help with the last line needed. Inspired by an obscure confession of a reformed sexual predator, now a counsellor. Names witheld to avoid legal repercussions....but it is not me, bena )


Your sky-high eyes bore black  in blue, like holes in  crumpled silver foil,
imploring me to change my mind, and so you press my hands upon
your disconnected aching breasts. You murmur but do not recoil;
as though through touch we transmit truths which cannot be undone.

Exotica, erotica, you play the contact game so well
that I am losing to your love. We feel  the way we do tonight,
so do not make another sound, for fear slipped words some secrets tell;
on open mouth your hard-pressed kiss will kill fool’s promises outright.

Lay curled upon my cloud, my bed…and squirm around my heat, my whole.
Become a cosmic centrifuge, a spinning maelstrom we can ride,
far down until a speck of dust is one last mote of lust control;
so small that we could lose all will, all reticence, all pride.

Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…
Why are you here? Go somewhere safe. I cannot help you rest in peace.
You do not know where I have been, or how long I have been confined.
Please help her, someone…take her home, for it is I that needs release.
Tectak
2014

I have very few issues with this piece...your imagery is vivid, your structure helps make the piece read nicely, and it certainly creates the "vibe" you seemed to be looking for.
But just to build upon some of the other critiques that have been presented, I too found the change of heart to be a little abrupt. Although it's obvious there's something a little twisted and/or remorseful about the narrative, it seems to switch immediately from passion to disgust (with the situation, with the narrator's own self), and I found myself wanting to know more about how and why that happened.

Still, fantastic piece, interesting concept, invocative writing.

Thank you for this. The epiphany, for such it reportedly was, would by definition be somewhat abrupt and I tried to intimate this circumstance. That it may not ring true in the telling is no less surprising than de facto.
We will never know the psychological nuances in the tale, suffice to say that truth is often stranger than the lies we tell in order to be believed...and that is the human condition.
Best,
tectak

[Leah S.]

It is quite vivid.
L7 bothers me with the phrase "fear slipped words". If it is for fear that slipped words will tell secrets, then replace "some" with "will," so it reads "for fear slipped words will secrets tell;". I think it's the fault of that pernicious word reversal again. Every workshop I've ever been to says to avoid word-order reversals and anachronisms. I like some anachronisms because they preserve the richness of the language, but by-and-large, I agree. Reversing the words (example: "Happily she on the ice skates," and pretentiously, "My love with his words me wounds.") will get you into trouble every time.

Why are your lover's eyes "sky-high"? I got the sense that he or she is above you in an intimate sexual encounter, but that sense developed gradually through the poem, and since the phrase occurs at the very beginning, I think you should decide if you intend the reader to work the meaning out gradually as they read the poem, or not. I love the "holes in crumpled silver foil."
More crit later, I must be off now.

[tectak]

It is quite vivid.
L7 bothers me with the phrase "fear slipped words". If it is for fear that slipped words will tell secrets, then replace "some" with "will," so it reads "for fear slipped words will secrets tell;". I think it's the fault of that pernicious word reversal again. Every workshop I've ever been to says to avoid word-order reversals and anachronisms. I like some anachronisms because they preserve the richness of the language, but by-and-large, I agree. Reversing the words (example: "Happily she on the ice skates," and pretentiously, "My love with his words me wounds.") will get you into trouble every time.

Why are your lover's eyes "sky-high"? I got the sense that he or she is above you in an intimate sexual encounter, but that sense developed gradually through the poem, and since the phrase occurs at the very beginning, I think you should decide if you intend the reader to work the meaning out gradually as they read the poem, or not. I love the "holes in crumpled silver foil."
More crit later, I must be off now.

Word order reverse is called inversion....and l do agree with your general comment but your suggestion does not get rid if the thing....so it must be difficult
Her sky high eyes? High on drugs....the eyes are a give away. I saw her with pupils dilated and flickering upwards. That is all...I don't do complicated.
Thanks for this. You make good points.
Best,
tectak

[Leah S.]

It is quite vivid.
L7 bothers me with the phrase "fear slipped words". If it is for fear that slipped words will tell secrets, then replace "some" with "will," so it reads "for fear slipped words will secrets tell;". I think it's the fault of that pernicious word reversal again. Every workshop I've ever been to says to avoid word-order reversals and anachronisms. I like some anachronisms because they preserve the richness of the language, but by-and-large, I agree. Reversing the words (example: "Happily she on the ice skates," and pretentiously, "My love with his words me wounds.") will get you into trouble every time.

Why are your lover's eyes "sky-high"? I got the sense that he or she is above you in an intimate sexual encounter, but that sense developed gradually through the poem, and since the phrase occurs at the very beginning, I think you should decide if you intend the reader to work the meaning out gradually as they read the poem, or not. I love the "holes in crumpled silver foil."
More crit later, I must be off now.

Word order reverse is called inversion....and l do agree with your general comment but your suggestion does not get rid of the thing....so it must be difficult
Her sky high eyes? High on drugs....the eyes are a give away. I saw her with pupils dilated and flickering upwards. That is all...I don't do complicated.
Thanks for this. You make good points.
Best,
tectak

Sorry, I'm so literal. I didn't even think of high on drugs.

[tectak]

It is quite vivid.
L7 bothers me with the phrase "fear slipped words". If it is for fear that slipped words will tell secrets, then replace "some" with "will," so it reads "for fear slipped words will secrets tell;". I think it's the fault of that pernicious word reversal again. Every workshop I've ever been to says to avoid word-order reversals and anachronisms. I like some anachronisms because they preserve the richness of the language, but by-and-large, I agree. Reversing the words (example: "Happily she on the ice skates," and pretentiously, "My love with his words me wounds.") will get you into trouble every time.

Why are your lover's eyes "sky-high"? I got the sense that he or she is above you in an intimate sexual encounter, but that sense developed gradually through the poem, and since the phrase occurs at the very beginning, I think you should decide if you intend the reader to work the meaning out gradually as they read the poem, or not. I love the "holes in crumpled silver foil."
More crit later, I must be off now.

Word order reverse is called inversion....and l do agree with your general comment but your suggestion does not get rid of the thing....so it must be difficult
Her sky high eyes? High on drugs....the eyes are a give away. I saw her with pupils dilated and flickering upwards. That is all...I don't do complicated.
Thanks for this. You make good points.
Best,
tectak

Sorry, I'm so literal. I didn't even think of high on drugs.

See my earlier reply to cotidiano...you are not alone.
Literally.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Seems like I've read this old nugget before. I agree with the approach, as the end result seems to treat this as an addiction, and as such treats this as more than a simple black and white conditions.
At times the writing is not clear, and to say the least, confusing.

"imploring me to change my mind, and so you press my hands upon your disconnected aching breasts"

As we do not know what the speakers state of mind is, it is difficult to decide what changing his mind would be. Is the girl, who is supposedly the victim of his predation trying to change his mind to have sex with her, when he had decided not to. Why are her breasts disconnected, and if they are, how can they be aching? Certainly she can be an object to him, and in such a way her breast could be said to be disconnected, but then how can they be aching?

"Exotica, erotica" Really? And you write it twice.

OK can't take anymore. Skip to the end.

"Exotica, erotica, I look at you and change my mind…" Nope, not going to happen, never, zilch, nada. That's like a seventeen years old just got his Johnson sheathed, then deciding to pull out. No way, uh uh! A fatal flaw in the poem. But, your poem. what do I know, I only counseled people for 20+ years, I'm sure I am off the mark here. Besides, it's poetic license right?

Later on Dude,


Dale the disenfranchised