The Sleeze
 
 
I fall into the sleeze,
ever stumbling to be free,
like an addict on a corner;
looking for a fix,
for a cease to the pain,
to rest in peace.
 
I am tethered to false kings,
just a dog on a lead;
I lap up eviscerated offerings.
A kind hand,
for a bent knee.
I am ever so sweetly cheap,
like a cigarette butt;
cast onto hooker wreathed streets.
 
A black sky bends forever,
I'm a starry eyed stare.
With head nestled in a gutter,
the world looks nice from down here.

(12-18-2014, 11:48 AM)Pyxx Wrote:  The Sleeze
 
 
I fall into the sleeze, The sleeze??
ever stumbling to be free,
like an addict on a corner;
looking for a fix,
for a cease to the pain,
to rest in peace. This whole stanza seems a little disjointed/rushed to me. You don't need to include "looking for a fix" alongside "addict on a corner", one of those would've suited better. Same goes for "a cease to the pain" and "rest in peace"; you only need one.
 

I am tethered to false kings,
just a dog on a lead;
I lap up eviscerated offerings. What am I supposed to be seeing here? You? You lapping up eviscerated offerings? Like at a ritual-esque altar or something?? I don't know, just seems crudely violent, as is in it doesn't contribute much for me.
A kind hand,
for a bent knee.
I am ever so sweetly cheap,
like a cigarette butt; Cigarette butts are free!
cast onto hooker wreathed streets.
 
A black sky bends forever,
I'm a starry eyed stare. Starry eyed... I think you can do better.
With head nestled in a gutter,
the world looks nice from down here.

I see what you're going for here; grimy, desolate, isolated, aimlessness, "sleaziness". I get it. I think you can achieve this kind of feel and aesthetic more effectively. Try trimming down; brevity is your friend. Keep going!

Hi. I like the title "The Sleeze" ( yes - did you mean Sleaze?) and the conflict in your poem between not wanting to be there - a world you "fall into", "ever stumbling to be free" - and the rewards that keep you there - "a cease to the pain", and the hooks/ false promises that bind you there - "tethered to false kings". Perhaps the "ever so sweetly cheap" is a false promise and "like a cigarette butt" is ironic, but it's true that a cigarette butt is not sweet and costs nothing. A black sky has no stars , so if your eyes are "starry" ...then what are they reflecting? The next fix, maybe. That's a powerful image, but I agree that "starry eyed" is cliche so possibly a word rearrangement/replacement needed. ..but it got its point across for me. I enjoyed reading this poem.

I fall into the sleeze,
ever stumbling to be free,
like an addict on a corner;
looking for a fix,
for a cease to the pain,
to rest in peace.

I am tethered to false kings,
just a dog on a lead;
I lap up eviscerated offerings.
A kind hand,
for a bent knee.
I am ever so sweetly cheap,
like a cigarette butt;
cast onto hooker wreathed streets.

A black sky bends forever,
I'm a starry eyed stare.
With head nestled in a gutter,
the world looks nice from down here.


I am feeling this. Its one of those topics where if you get it you get it, if you don't you don't.
I particularly like:
'A black sky bends forever,
I'm a starry eyed star'

If i had to criticise any element it is only that the similes and metaphors needn't be so blatant.  If you had left out the pre-fix 'like' before
'an addict on a corner;
looking for a fix,'
it definitley would have still made sense. Not even a critisicm really, it works perfectly just how it is.
Really enjoyed it

The Sleaze: Second Draft

I fall into the sleaze,
ever stumbling to be free.
A painted doll looking for a fix;
my life turns tricks.

I am tethered to false kings,
just a dog on a lead;
I lap up discarded offerings.
A kind hand,
for a bent knee.
I am ever so sweetly cheap,
a cigarette;
cast onto hooker wreathed streets.
 
 A black sky bends forever,
 I'm an obsidian stare.
 With head nestled in a gutter,
 the world looks nice from down here.

The Sleeze. First Draft.

I fall into the sleeze,

 ever stumbling to be free,
 like an addict on a corner;
 looking for a fix,
 for a cease to the pain,
 to rest in peace.
 
 I am tethered to false kings,
 just a dog on a lead;
 I lap up eviscerated offerings.
 A kind hand,
 for a bent knee.
 I am ever so sweetly cheap,
 like a cigarette butt;
 cast onto hooker wreathed streets.
 
 A black sky bends forever,
 I'm a starry eyed stare.
 With head nestled in a gutter,
 the world looks nice from down here.