Life of a day

[Alexearth]

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening.

[Rederex]

Hi,
I love the simplicity of your writting, saying as much as you can with as little as you can. Just a couple of things I would draw your attention to, you use the word 'constant' in the opening line and 'grows' in the fourth, I thought it was a little bit strange to have something constant grow. Just check your definitions, something which is constant is quantitatively fixed. Other than that...superb!

[reppindetroit]

I loved the delicateness of this. It sways back and forth with a lot of ease. I think it's great. One thing to add. Try to use less cliche words. Instead of "dies," perhaps, use a phrase that can fester up more thought or up the ante. Other than that, you're off to a great start. Good job!

[DivineMsEmm]

I think this piece is brilliant in its simplicity - however I think the last line is unnecessary.
The day reaches a climax and dies... BANG... BOOM.  Adding "into the somber evening" almost insults the death of the day.
If you're looking for the WOW factor - the piece ends at "and dies."    

I think the title works, even though it is a bit bland for the strength of the poem - there is such meat in the poem, so much meaning in such a short piece - you want a title that can stand up to the work.  

Nice job.
--Emily

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening.

[Alexearth]

Hi,
I love the simplicity of your writting,  saying as much as you can with as little as you can. Just a couple of things I would draw your attention to, you use the word 'constant' in the opening line and 'grows' in the fourth, I thought it was a little bit strange to have something constant grow. Just check your definitions,  something which is constant is quantitatively fixed. Other than that...superb!

 Rederex, nice noticing the misuse of constant. I thank you for that! Thanks for the feedback!

I think this piece is brilliant in its simplicity - however I think the last line is unnecessary. 
The day reaches a climax and dies... BANG... BOOM.  Adding "into the somber evening" almost insults the death of the day.
If you're looking for the WOW factor - the piece ends at "and dies."     

I think the title works, even though it is a bit bland for the strength of the poem - there is such meat in the poem, so much meaning in such a short piece - you want a title that can stand up to the work.  

Nice job.
--Emily

Interesting what you are saying here Emily, I was more visualizing the end of the day as a slow death, fading into the dark red and blue of the evening, followed by the silence, a peaceful yet melancholic day.
Thanks for the feedback!

Alex

[DivineMsEmm]

Hmm... if you're not going for the WHAM death - I'd change the "it died" to "it passed along ..." and then include the final line.
But if you want that POW - "IT DIED" is strong.
Nice!
--E

I think this piece is brilliant in its simplicity - however I think the last line is unnecessary. 
The day reaches a climax and dies... BANG... BOOM.  Adding "into the somber evening" almost insults the death of the day.
If you're looking for the WOW factor - the piece ends at "and dies."     

I think the title works, even though it is a bit bland for the strength of the poem - there is such meat in the poem, so much meaning in such a short piece - you want a title that can stand up to the work.  

Nice job.
--Emily

Interesting what you are saying here Emily, I was more visualizing the end of the day as a slow death, fading into the dark red and blue of the evening, followed by the silence, a peaceful yet melancholic day.
Thanks for the feedback!

Alex
[/quote]

[Mr. Creosote]

Shorter version

"it gets noisy and then less noisy"

OK...and?

I am being a bit snarky. I am sorry. I just don't know what the point is.

[Alexearth]

Shorter version

"it gets noisy and then less noisy"

OK...and?

I am being a bit snarky.  I am sorry.  I just don't know what the point is.

Well in my opinion the point of poetry is to describe ordinary and extraordinary scenes, ideas or feelings by using different literary techniques, such as style or rhythm, to help the reader understand what the author is experiencing and feeling. This is my definition and idea of the life of a day, although it being a simple and quotidian subject.

Thanks for your feedback,

Alex

[Magpie]

You've got some good possibilities going on in this short poem, I've left some possible suggestions that I think may help with the main point being to make it more concise.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways ---- In these first three lines you could really drop all the articles 'the's' and you don't lose anything, you could also have "sidewalks and alleyways" on one line
grows tentatively along the day, ---- 'tentatively' doesn't seem like the right word here for the 'constant chattering' or the metaphor that it represents --- Also 'along the day' seems awkward could it perhaps be 'throughout the day' 
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening. ---- Can something 'die into' something??? Perhaps just 'in the somber evening' 

Considering that you've got it all as one sentence that is on the verge of being a touch too long, I think some of the streamlining will get it to a perfect length.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[Alexearth]

You've got some good possibilities going on in this short poem, I've left some possible suggestions that I think may help with the main point being to make it more concise.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways ---- In these first three lines you could really drop all the articles 'the's' and you don't lose anything, you could also have "sidewalks and alleyways" on one line
grows tentatively along the day, ---- 'tentatively' doesn't seem like the right word here for the 'constant chattering' or the metaphor that it represents --- Also 'along the day' seems awkward could it perhaps be 'throughout the day' 
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening. ---- Can something 'die into' something??? Perhaps just 'in the somber evening' 

Considering that you've got it all as one sentence that is on the verge of being a touch too long, I think some of the streamlining will get it to a perfect length.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

Hey Mark,

nice feedback, thanks a lot. I'll post a rework of the poem shortly.
Nice day to you all!


Alex

[billy]

i think you could cut the first three [the's]
the last line weakens what could be a strong end.
for a short poem it gives more than i thought it would after the first read. needs a small edit but i still enjoyed it's chatter.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day, i want along to work but i'm left wondering if there's a better word to use
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening.

[Alexearth]

i think you could cut the first three [the's]
the last line weakens what could be a strong end.
for a short poem it gives more than i thought it would after the first read. needs a small edit but i still enjoyed it's chatter.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day, i want along to work but i'm left wondering if there's a better word to use
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening.

Thanks for the feedback Billy,
I like the idea of death being weakened by the last line, a slow,gentle death in a way, a melancholic one. What do you think?
For the replacement of "along", Mark proposed "throughout", any other suggestion?


Alex

---

Here's a preliminary rework of the poem:


The incessant chattering from backyards, 

sidewalks, 
and alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening. 

[Magpie]

Hi Alex, I was thinking about this poem whilst I was out walking and I've had a couple more thoughts mostly about the ending. At first I saw this as a metaphor for a human life so the comparison between a day and a lifespan of someone, I'm now not sure if this was your intention although in some ways it doesn't matter, but it has helped me to think about the end of the poem which really needs to end on 'death/silence' to be truly effective, therefore i think the last line is a distraction from this. It doesn't really add anything, and kind of leaves me wondering why the evening is 'somber'. I read elsewhere on this thread that you visualised "the end of the day as a slow death, fading into the dark red and blue of the evening", which you can still work in somehow but I really think that some kind of 'death/silence' needs to be the last line.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, ---- also you could have this as "climaxes before sunset" to trim it down even more
and dies
into the somber evening.

There are possibilities to keep in line with your "slow, fading death" idea. I don't want to try and rewrite your poem too much but something like 

climaxes before sunset,
fades with the twilight
until silence/death --- this is more just an idea of how to finish rather than an actual suggestion, because I don't want to suggest anything because it is your poem.


See what you think. I know that overall I've said a lot for the mild forum but I felt as though my first crit was only half a crit unless I came back and mentioned about the ending.

Cheers,

Mark

[Mr. Creosote]

Shorter version

"it gets noisy and then less noisy"

OK...and?

I am being a bit snarky.  I am sorry.  I just don't know what the point is.

Well in my opinion the point of poetry is to describe ordinary and extraordinary scenes, ideas or feelings by using different literary techniques, such as style or rhythm, to help the reader understand what the author is experiencing and feeling. This is my definition and idea of the life of a day, although it being a simple and quotidian subject.

Thanks for your feedback,

Alex

You say "poetry is to describe", but there is very little that is described here. It tells you where the "chattering" is and its volume, but nothing else. There is no source of the sound, there is no specificity -- no setting. I think you are hoping for each person to draw from their own understandings on the sound (of voices?) of a neighborhood, but I think that can be done with one line -- like: "Think of how the sounds of the day ebb and flow". On these types of poems I want an image to be built, whether that image is aural or visual.

[Alexearth]

Hi Alex, I was thinking about this poem whilst I was out walking and I've had a couple more thoughts mostly about the ending. At first I saw this as a metaphor for a human life so the comparison between a day and a lifespan of someone, I'm now not sure if this was your intention although in some ways it doesn't matter, but it has helped me to think about the end of the poem which really needs to end on 'death/silence' to be truly effective, therefore i think the last line is a distraction from this. It doesn't really add anything, and kind of leaves me wondering why the evening is 'somber'. I read elsewhere on this thread that you visualised "the end of the day as a slow death, fading into the dark red and blue of the evening", which you can still work in somehow but I really think that some kind of 'death/silence' needs to be the last line.

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, ---- also you could have this as "climaxes before sunset" to trim it down even more
and dies
into the somber evening.

There are possibilities to keep in line with your "slow, fading death" idea. I don't want to try and rewrite your poem too much but something like 
climaxes before sunset,
fades with the twilight
until silence/death --- this is more just an idea of how to finish rather than an actual suggestion, because I don't want to suggest anything because it is your poem.
See what you think. I know that overall I've said a lot for the mild forum but I felt as though my first crit was only half a crit unless I came back and mentioned about the ending.
Cheers,
Mark

Hey Mark,

I have to be honest, I have trouble understanding why the "dies into the somber evening" part is such a complication, but that's probably just my lack of distance and perspective with the poem. Though the day dies, there is still something that continues afterwards in my opinion, so for me it is weird to finish on the death.

I was thinking of replacing "somber" by "abandoned" due to the disappearance of life (the chattering). I want the evening to be sad, somber, like the feeling of losing someone, the feeling of loneliness. I know this is hard by the minimalism of the poem.

Anyway I'm glad that there is so much feedback, I was thinking of putting this poem in the serious workshopping section.

Thanks again!


Alex

---

Shorter version

"it gets noisy and then less noisy"

OK...and?

I am being a bit snarky.  I am sorry.  I just don't know what the point is.

Well in my opinion the point of poetry is to describe ordinary and extraordinary scenes, ideas or feelings by using different literary techniques, such as style or rhythm, to help the reader understand what the author is experiencing and feeling. This is my definition and idea of the life of a day, although it being a simple and quotidian subject.

Thanks for your feedback,

Alex

You say "poetry is to describe", but there is very little that is described here.  It tells you where the "chattering" is and its volume, but nothing else.  There is no source of the sound, there is no specificity -- no setting.  I think you are hoping for each person to draw from their own understandings on the sound (of voices?) of a neighborhood, but I think that can be done with one line -- like: "Think of how the sounds of the day ebb and flow".  On these types of poems I want an image to be built, whether that image is aural or visual.

I understand what you are saying. It is true that I like to trigger the imagination of the readers. What's important in this poem for me is the view I have on the life of the day, the image I make of it. Who cares what the sources of the sounds are, its the whole impression that matters, and the comparison with growth and death.

thanks,

Alex

[Magpie]

Hey Mark,

I have to be honest, I have trouble understanding why the "dies into the somber evening" part is such a complication, but that's probably just my lack of distance and perspective with the poem. Though the day dies, there is still something that continues afterwards in my opinion, so for me it is weird to finish on the death.

I was thinking of replacing "somber" by "abandoned" due to the disappearance of life (the chattering). I want the evening to be sad, somber, like the feeling of losing someone, the feeling of loneliness. I know this is hard by the minimalism of the poem.

Anyway I'm glad that there is so much feedback, I was thinking of putting this poem in the serious workshopping section.

Thanks again!


Alex

Hi Alex,

I think that the reason I believe it should end with the 'death/silence' aspect is because that I initially saw the whole poem as a metaphor for a human lifespan although it could have been a lifespan of anything. Although like I said in my last comment I was starting to wonder if it was your intention to have it as a metaphor, which I now know that it wasn't your intention. With such a short poem I would think that a lot of people may be inclined to see it as a metaphor, however seeing as though I'm the only one from the people who have commented then I'm probably wrong in that aspect.

Either way, I still like the poem and as you have said it's a good thing to get a lot of feedback.

Thanks for the discussion,

Mark

[Forestdawn]

The constant chattering from the backyards, 
the sidewalks, 
and the alleyways
grows tentatively along the day,
reaches climax before sunset, 
and dies
into the somber evening.

Greeting Alexearth:
I really enjoyed the uniqueness of this poem.It's very straightforward and written well. although may I make a small suggestion? I believe the ending would sound a lot less final if instead of saying, "and dies into a somber evening" you could say: and recedes into a somber evening. because in knowing that on the morrow it returns to the noisy existence. whatcha think? An overall great poem.