We gather round with burlap sacks,
And all of us pretend.
 
The candy is amassed in sums
Too large for little minds.
 
A Snickers gone.
A Twix has disappeared,
And no one sees the ghost
 who made his costume
From a greasy sheet .
There’s Chocolate smeared
 in moving Hand prints
 streamed  across that greasy sheet.

We gather round with burlap sacks,
And all of us pretend. ------ Pretend what? Elaborate on this a bit. Are they playing a game?

The candy is amassed in sums
Too large for little minds. ------ I feel like "simple" work be better here instead of "little," as math is complex and kids are not...

A Snickers gone. ------ A comma after "Snickers" would help create better flow. Also, maybe a comma or semi-colon instead of a period...
A Twix has disappeared, ----- and then maybe arrange this like: "A Twix, disappeared" to match the previous line, and end this one with a period
And no one sees the ghost
who made his costume
From a greasy sheet .
There’s Chocolate smeared ----- Capitalizing "Chocolate" isn't necessary, since it's not a specific name
in moving Hand prints ----- Reason for capitalizing "Hand" is unclear - was this just an error?
streamed across that greasy sheet. ----- Avoid repeating "greasy sheet" since it's already a bit of a bold phrase...

Cute topic, though! I love the scene you created - this poem just needs a bit more touching-up and refinement is all. Keep at it!

(11-05-2014, 09:31 AM)Requiem Wrote:  We gather round with burlap sacks,
And all of us pretend.     ------ Pretend what? Elaborate on this a bit. Are they playing a game?

The candy is amassed in sums
Too large for little minds.     ------ I feel like "simple" work be better here instead of "little," as math is complex and kids are not...

A Snickers gone.     ------ A comma after "Snickers" would help create better flow. Also, maybe a comma or semi-colon instead of a period...
A Twix has disappeared,     ----- and then maybe arrange this like: "A Twix, disappeared" to match the previous line, and end this one with a period
And no one sees the ghost
who made his costume
From a greasy sheet .
There’s Chocolate smeared     ----- Capitalizing "Chocolate" isn't necessary, since it's not a specific name
in moving Hand prints     ----- Reason for capitalizing "Hand" is unclear - was this just an error?
streamed  across that greasy sheet.     ----- Avoid repeating "greasy sheet" since it's already a bit of a bold phrase...

Cute topic, though! I love the scene you created - this poem just needs a bit more touching-up and refinement is all. Keep at it!

Thanks, these are good comments.

Interesting,but I have quite different opinons on some parts than Requiem, in some I agree. Overall, If I read the poem properly, it makes me quite sad - which means it sets the atmosphere and the point well. 

(10-13-2014, 07:09 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  We gather round with burlap sacks,
And all of us pretend. I don't need explanation here, since the title says it all and in adittion, it creates a valuable ambiguity - they pretend they are monsters? They pretend they they like the sweets? They pretend they are having fun? They pretend they care for each other? For me, this line works perfectly. The choice of "All of us" instead of "everybody" gives a good feeling of a group, a collective rather than bunch of individuals. I would just consider not beginning the line with "and." When I was saying this poem to myself without looking at it, I actually forgot about the "and" and it worked perfectly. Or at least, de-capitalize the first word in the line. 

The candy is amassed in sums
Too large for little minds. I am fine with "little" here and I read this also as synecdoche (pars pro toto/a part for the whole), referring to the little children. But again, no need to start with a capital letter.  

A Snickers gone. Yes, this would read more fluently without the fullstop, a comma would do. Making the image of children eating their sweets not caring about that poor one in the greasy sheet more.. dyamic, like they are dynamically devoted to the sweets and not each other, if you get my point. 
A Twix has disappeared, The specific, very American and  this-occasion-traditional names of the sweets set the atmosphere well up. Good job on these. 
And no one sees the ghost Good, good, good that it is a ghost. Works well with the sheet and much better than "the one" or "child" or so. But be carefull about beginning with And, this is the 2nd time in the poem. 
who made his costume In the context of the above and below lines, this one seems a bit redundant. Consider: But no one sees the ghost/ in greasy sheet.  I know the element of making is kinda important here, but don't know if it deserves a whole line. What about But no one sees the ghost/ dressed in self made greasy sheet. The line is quite long, I know.. just suggestions, maybe you can come up with something even better. But not a big deal anyway, no. 
From a greasy sheet .
There’s Chocolate smeared 
in moving Hand prints
streamed  across that greasy sheet. I don't need streamed here. It optically looks very similar to smeared (that purposeful?) and actually says the same. I don't mind the repetition, the highlight it makes is okay. Maybe remove the streamed absolutely or override it with "smeared" again?

Overall, serious topic within a funny theme. A decent one, really. Enjoyed. 

Brownlie,

This doesn't seem fun. Needs more context, more structure poetically possibly a metered/rhyming poem.

dale

I really appreciate the comments there is some definite padding that results in working with a loose rhythm here. I hadn't thought about the redundancy (or awkwardness) in the use of synonyms, it's a good point.