Best Left Alone

[Wjames]

Mariah dreamt of wedding bells
after her pet frog died,
she ate the legs and stomped a toad
still wasn’t satisfied.

Cathy wouldn’t crush a bug
she loved to bleed a feast,
her itch to give became so strong
she raped her virgin priest.

Suzie never cared to think
about dead frogs or bugs,
we’d eat ourselves before too long
so why pretend to love?

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey WJ. I loved this poem after S1. I could tell what you were saying in the first stanza. But it wasn't easy. It read disjointed and not quite grammatically clear.( at least with present punctuation) The 2nd and 3rd stanzas presented none of those issues for me and sold me on the whole. Thanks for sharing- Paul

[billy]

you cynic you

Mariah dreamt of wedding bells
after her pet frog died,
she ate the legs and stomped a toad
still wasn’t satisfied. i'd suggest not or unsatisfied, then i saw it was in the fun forum

Cathy wouldn’t crush a bug
she loved to bleed a feast,
her itch to give became so strong
she raped her virgin priest.

Suzie never cared to think
about dead frogs or bugs,
we’d eat ourselves before too long
so why pretend to love?

[ellajam]

I liked S1, she ate the legs set the tone for me.

[Wjames]

Thanks the responses guys. I think S1 is sort of obtusely worded, but I like it anyways. It doesn't really "make sense", but it does the job.

[Wjames]

Mariah dreamt of wedding bells
after her pet frog died,
she ate the legs and stomped a toad
still wasn’t satisfied.

Cathy wouldn’t crush a bug
she loved to bleed a feast,
her itch to give became so strong
she raped her virgin priest.

Suzie never cared to think
about dead frogs or bugs,
we’d eat ourselves before too long
so why pretend to love?

Thanks the responses guys. I think S1 is sort of obtusely worded, but I like it anyways. It doesn't really "make sense", but it does the job.

S1 was my favorite part of the piece. To me it says frog prince be damned, no more kissing toads for that girl. Made me laugh.

Thanks, glad you got something from it.

[J.C. Fontenot]

i like the darkness in your poems while using innocent characters, such as a name of Cathy, Suzie,and mariah, to portray it as a sort of "innocent darkness"

[Kelvin]

"she ate the legs and stomped a toad"

The scene comes into my mind.

[Pyxx]

This reminds me of work by Roald  Dahl, I believe the book was titled 'Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. I think it flows well, it really needs to be illustrated, Dahl Style.. 

Mariah dreamt of wedding bells
after her pet frog died,
she ate the legs and stomped a toad
still wasn’t satisfied.


Cathy wouldn’t crush a bug
she loved to bleed a feast,
her itch to give became so strong
she raped her virgin priest.

If I have any novice constructive criticism to include, perhaps there is some confusion with the change in content from bug crushing to raping a priest as it appears to be introduced quite unexpectedly, from one subject to the next. The correlation between the two different subjects are a little unclear. 

she loved to bleed a feast,
her itch to give became so strong
she raped her virgin priest.

While the use of childlike names and their penchant for bug crushing hints at innocence yet this work is obviously not a work for children... I enjoyed the cynical tone to this poem.

Suzie never cared to think
about dead frogs or bugs,
we’d eat ourselves before too long
so why pretend to love?

Regardless, a wicked fun read ^_^

[SimikPK]

A fun read, but the directness of the last two lines disturbs me, it is too direct.

[Erthona]

Well, that sounds like fun in a lighthearted manner. Need an "and at the start of line four, also would help with the cadence. We all get eaten in the end, then come back and do it again!

dale

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and commenting guys, I remember I wrote this one really quickly without thinking much about anything, but I think it might be one of my better poems now that I really read it.