I
tried to forget everything
I ever heard.
Each word.

Suddenly
I heard a strange murmur
rattling around within,
without constraint.

The growl
terrified me momentarily-
The sudden lack of
something familiar.

Quickly
carefully constructed
blueprints of life became
imperfect recitals of thought left untitled.

(08-26-2014, 12:09 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I
tried to forget everything
I ever heard.
Each word.

Suddenly
I heard a strange murmur
rattling around within,
without constraint.

The growl
terrified me momentarily-
The sudden lack of
something familiar.

Quickly
carefully constructed - maybe a word other than "constructed" to describe "blueprints"? It seems a bit out of place, seeing as thing are constructed based off of blue prints, but I've never heard someone refer to 'constructing some blueprints'.
blueprints of life became
imperfect recitals of thought left untitled.

I'm not quite sure what this poem is getting at. I think if you clarified what exactly you mean by "imperfect recitals of thought" it could be helpful, because the rest of the poem is straightforward enough. And are these recital of thought usually titled somehow? Also, the apparently random rhyme scheme seems to go well with the theme you have going around being terrified by the unfamiliar, so nice work there

Hey QDS. I most like that the rattling and growling became 'imperfect' recitals. It's pretty tight already but you might still have some room to cut. I will try to make some suggestions below.

(08-26-2014, 12:09 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I
tried to forget everything
I ever heard.
Each word.

Suddenly
I heard a strange murmur is "I heard" needed?
rattling around within,
without constraint.here I would prefer "unconstrained", Of course that would mess with the "within/without" idea - so maybe not.

The growl
terrified me momentarily-
The sudden lack ofI would attempt to replace "sudden" here as a form of it is already in play from S2.
something familiar.

Quickly
carefully constructed
blueprints of life becameyou may be able to replace "became" with punctuation.
imperfect recitals of thought left untitled.

Thanks for posting. -- On a side note -love the addition to your signature.

(08-27-2014, 05:56 AM)alatos Wrote:  I'm not quite sure what this poem is getting at. I think if you clarified what exactly you mean by "imperfect recitals of thought" it could be helpful, because the rest of the poem is straightforward enough. And are these recital of thought usually titled somehow? Also, the apparently random rhyme scheme seems to go well with the theme you have going around being terrified by the unfamiliar, so nice work there

Very interesting point about the blueprints... I'll have to consider that.


Imperfect recitals of thought aren't titled. They are unfinished, unpolished, imperfect, untitled.

---

Finally, some oral molestation I can use! Thanks Tiger.

Hi, Q, I think you do a good job of isolating that moment when the floor drops out and all we have left is ourselves and the disorientation change can bring. That took me three quarters of the way through but I just can't wrap my head around the last line when the past is gone. It has a regret that the narrator seems to have moved on from.

That's how I read it, anyway.
Hope that helps if you decide to edit.

(08-26-2014, 12:09 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I
tried to forget everything
I ever heard.
Each word.

Suddenly
I heard a strange murmur
rattling around within,
without constraint.

The growl
terrified me momentarily-
The sudden lack of
something familiar.

Quickly
carefully constructed
blueprints of life became
imperfect recitals of thought left untitled.

Since everyone said something about I reckon I'll just go ahead and admit that the last line came from a different poem that fell apart, but I just felt that line was just too good to burn. :-|

(08-30-2014, 05:22 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Since everyone said something about I reckon I'll just go ahead and admit that the last line came from a different poem that fell apart, but I just felt that line was just too good to burn. :-|

Ha, I do that too, it rarely works. It's a fine line, though. Keep trying.

(08-26-2014, 12:09 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I
tried to forget everything
I ever heard.
Each word.

Suddenly
I heard a strange murmur
rattling around within,
without constraint.

The growl
terrified me momentarily-
The sudden lack of
something familiar.

Quickly
carefully constructed
blueprints of life became
imperfect recitals of thought left untitled.

For me, one word lines /rarely/ work and this poem isn't going to meet the rarely. A line with a simple "I" just can't hold up. Words like "suddenly" should probably never appear in poetry except possibly as satire. "Sudden" also makes a show just a few lines later.

"momentarily" - also, just doesn't add anything because it is a context-dependent word.

Quickly - carefully - more of the same and for the same reasons. Just reading through briefly it is off-putting how much modification is going on. modification almost always makes language weaker. in poetry, it is best not to use it unless it is pointing to a metaphor or symbolism.

Just stripping it of the essentials would yield:

I
tried to forget everything
.


I heard a murmur
rattling around within,
.

The growl
terrified me-
The lack of
something familiar.


carefully constructed
blueprints of life became
recitals of thought left untitled.

from there, you might have something to work with.

Good luck.

Thanks for the read milo. While you have some valid points, I think your edit completely changes the meaning and feeling of the poem. The modifiers in this poem speak to it's presence, and the single words, it's pace. Or, that was my intention.

I appreciate your comments.

(08-26-2014, 12:09 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  I
tried to forget everything
I ever heard.
Each word.

Suddenly
I heard a strange murmur
rattling around within,
without constraint.

The growl
terrified me momentarily-
The sudden lack of
something familiar.

Quickly
carefully constructed
blueprints of life became
imperfect recitals of thought left untitled.

I love short lines in poetry. I find it much easier to digest the meaning when I take small bites and chew them slowly. This fell somewhere in between, or maybe it's just the way I interpret everything I read through the lens of my own preferred style.

Were I re-writing this piece, it would mostly be change in the line breaks and a couple of different word choices. For example, S1 and S3 would look something like this:

"I tried hard
to forget everything
I ever heard.
Every word."

"The growl terrified me
momentarily-
The sudden lack of
something familiar."

One more tiny detail I would want to change in the last stanza - "thoughts" instead of "thought" seems more appropriate. (A whole lot of my thoughts are left, deservedly, "untitled.")

I agree with milo on this one. The words like "suddenly" had no effect on me. I can see where you are going with this poem but I just can't feel it yet.