At Peace

[danny_]

just joining. i like the site. like the poems i'm finding here, too. hope i have time to leave plenty of feedback. now i'm going to leave a bit of prose. nothing special... but i just wanted to share for starters. feel free to critique and all that.

Revision 3:
Strolling under the dripping chestnut
Drops of reflected morning light
A lone bird on a roof edge calls
through mist-cutting rays of sun

Tree bark carved by deep ravines
clarifies as I peer closer;
I smell the soaked richness of wood
and tiny fungus fans

Now aware of a small beast
glaring at me with anticipating
bright eyes
His wet nose gleams
with the grasses around him
A sweet face,
full of love
and playfulness

I fakely jolt toward him
He charges away,
short legs and little paws
grabbing at the earth,
all his little muscles working
beneath the soft fur
He circles at a distance,
waiting for the chase

But I just take another sip from my mug,
lift my head and thank God
for all that he has made
And for a future when every moment
will be at least this much at peace.

Original:
Strolling through the clear wet morning. Glazed roofs in the distance. Dew sparkling on the grasses under my feet. A single bird on the roof of my home, calling out to the brilliant dawn. Mist that cannot completely restrain warm and strong rays of sun.

The bark of a tree is bright on a side, and dark with shadow on another. Its deep patterns of weaving ravines clarify as my eyes peer nearer and nearer. I smell the soaked richness of wood and whatever grows on it, some tiny fungus. At the trunk's feet are lumps of vibrant green lichen.

I can sometimes get out of my thoughts and be aware of the beautiful small beast that is anticipating my next move. Still, aware, he glares at me with bright eyes. His fur is soft and brown. His legs are short but grab at the earth with little paws. His nose is wet and gleams with the grasses around him. His face is sweet and his entire existence is one of love and playfulness.

He's poised ready, in stillness, watching me. I jolt my body without actually going anywhere. He charges away to my left, all his little muscles working beneath the fur. He circles me at a distance, waiting for the chase. But I just take another sip from my mug. I lift my head to the morning light and thank God for all that he has made, and for a future when every moment of life will be at least this much at peace.

[ChristopherSea]

Why don't you take some time to craft this bit of narrative into a poem?

[billy]

Hi Danny.

thanks for the feedback elsewhere. it's what the site thrives on.

the prose:
after the first read it felt a little wordy. could it be tightened up by taking out excess words. it would still be prose but easier on the read. N example (not rewrite, )

Strolling through the clear wet morning. Glazed roofs in the distance. Dew sparkling on the grasses under my feet. A single bird on the roof of my home, calling out to the brilliant dawn. Mist that cannot completely restrain warm and strong rays of sun.

what part does the glazed roofs play in the tale, you say clear yet talk of mist, warm indicates a strong ray of sun {you could remove [clear]}

Strolling through the clear wet morning: Glazed roofs in the distance. Dew sparkling on grass (use a simile of choice here). A bird on my roof calling out to the brilliant dawn, Mist that cannot restrain a warm sun's rays.

The bark of a tree is bright on a side, and dark with shadow on another

Tree bark is bright on one side, and dark with shadow on the other

word choice also creates good prose, strolling through the clear wet morning feels a little flat as does the tree bark line. all writing needs to hold the readers attention, loose lines don't , you can use some poetic devices in prose, they're the writer's friend.

can the rest of the paragraphs be tightened up/made sharper in a more interesting.

[danny_]

gave it a revision. by the way give me an example or two of a poetic device.

[ellajam]

gave it a revision. by the way give me an example or two of a poetic device.

Hi, danny. Here's a link from our home page to Colin Ward's Poetry Tips. It's a quick amusing read that explains some poetry basics, with addition links at the bottom. Welcome.

[danny_]

thanks ellajam, that is an awesome link, i saved it after reading the whole thing. i will be referring back for sure.

posted a 2nd revision on the original work.

[billy]

there are so many for poetry, and a fair few that can work in prose.

metaphor/simile these help you say something without saying it literally.
many like (sweeter than honey) are cliched. hell is a stinky armpit less so.
kisses like wine is a simile also cliched but it's an example.

alliteration, consonance, assonance, imagery which sometimes uses simile. google poetic devices and check out what you think could be used in prose. Take a look here for a fairly complete list with explanations. i'll get back to the revision in a short while.

gave it a revision. by the way give me an example or two of a poetic device.

[danny_]

using what i've already learned i have revised this again. slimmer, less words. couldn't reduce the end as much as i wanted to, but the thing is better. crit welcome