Edit 1

A week deep
I fill the bed;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sharp scent
of spoiled meat in its wake.

I rise and fall with a Tide
perfumed blanket
draped around my form,
like caterpillar slush
in a wind-caught cocoon.

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.


Original

I fill this bed
a week deep;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sweet smell
of spoiled meat in its wake.

My face, flooded
with pillow fluff,
rises and falls
and falls with a Tide
perfumed blanket
that's draped around my nape.

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.

i think you start off a bit to weak and get stronger, the last stanza is enjoyable, i wasn't sure about the last line but it does work if i think of someone coming to (awakening) i had a bit of a problem picturing the blanket drape round your neck seeing as you were in the bed and not standing.

i do have a suggestion for the start and that is to swap the first two lines over. (and change [this] to [the]) what other bed wold it be?

(08-22-2014, 07:04 PM)makeshift Wrote:  I fill this bed
a week deep;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sweet smell cliche
of spoiled meat in its wake.

My face, flooded
with pillow fluff,
rises and falls
and falls with a Tide i do like this line, and i know the smell
perfumed blanket
that's draped around my nape. just the neck or the whole body?

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships i can hear them, really strong sounding image (if that's possible
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.

Hi, makeshift, welcome back. Here are a few notes.

(08-22-2014, 07:04 PM)makeshift Wrote:  I fill this bed
a week deep;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sweet smell
of spoiled meat in its wake.
This works well, I like summer slips, but sweet smell didn't bring the spoiled meat for me, maybe something along the lines of pungent perfume.

My face, flooded
with pillow fluff,
rises and falls
and falls with a Tide
perfumed blanket
that's draped around my nape.
a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:
flooded with pillow fluff falls flat for me. I'm not sure what the second "and falls" brings, but I love the tide/Tide.

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.
Strong first two lines here, I don't quite get the last line yet.

Hope this helps, thanks for posting it.

Thnx for reading/replying ellajam and billy. Yeah, it is good to be back, and you were both real helpful.

I've updated the op, might have made it worst > . < The criticism was pretty consistent in both critiques so I tried to address those things. Thnx thnx

I like like like where you are going with the revision. You know, the title is what struck me, and I think you could do a tiny bit more on the double meaning of red tide....Gimme some algae when you talk of the steamships, perhaps.

Still don't know why you are evaporating/what "whole" is left behind.

I like the sound of that last line when read aloud, but yeah, no clue unless that's the algae reference and I'm missing it, since small organisms like that aren't exactly whole- well strike that...no organism or person, etc is usually whole after evaporating. I might lean the way of


evaporating into (fill in the blanks),
finally something whole.

It's very difficult to end on an abstract when you've given us many good images along the way to hold on. Seems like we just slipped off the edge.


Love it though.

mel.

i like the style, i like the flow, i like the images. overall i don't really know what it's talking about, so it's abstract for me. but it sort of promised something concrete at the beginning, then turned abstract. i was personally getting this image of summer and hunting and meat and hanging meat to dry, you're laying in bed for a long time (not sure why.) then we've got a dream of steamships and a totally abstract ending. and i would bet you were putting a feeling into words as best you can, some feeling of drifting off to perfect sleep. but i had to guess, and i'm probably wrong.

keep it up and post more.

(08-22-2014, 07:04 PM)makeshift Wrote:  Edit 1

A week deep
I fill the bed;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sharp scent
of spoiled meat in its wake.

I rise and fall with a Tide
perfumed blanket
draped around my form,
like caterpillar slush
in a wind-caught cocoon.

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.


Original

I fill this bed
a week deep;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sweet smell
of spoiled meat in its wake.

My face, flooded
with pillow fluff,
rises and falls
and falls with a Tide
perfumed blanket
that's draped around my nape.

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.

Hello Makeshift. I read this when it was first posted. I enjoyed it but I didn't really have anything to add. Reading again, I sense a grammar issue in S3. As written the mattress is "closest...from". ?? I think you could tinker with the words to get the mattress closest to and furthest from. - Unless I'm reading your intent wrong. - Paul

Thnx danny, and benna, and Tiger, I appreciate the feedback. I think ima give this one more edit.

@bena, yeah I had wrote half the poem, then the title, and thought the second half would have a more specific metaphor with a red tide, but idk didnt turn out that way > . <

@Tiger, Good find, yeah I meant "closest to and furthest from" i''ll have to fix that, surprised no one else noticed.

But yeah thnx all cheers cheers

hi makeshift. your first edit cleans up some of the sticking points of the original. i have a few comments/suggestions:

(08-22-2014, 07:04 PM)makeshift Wrote:  Edit 1

A week deep
I fill the bed;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sharp scent
of spoiled meat in its wake. <--alliteration works well in this entire strophe...kudos! i do have a suggestion for this stanza, though, that would clean up the punctuation without changing the meaning:

A week deep
I fill the bed,
drowning in its sheets;
summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sharp scent
of spoiled meat in its wake.

I rise and fall with a Tide
perfumed blanket
draped around my form,
like caterpillar slush <--i'm thrown off a bit by the use of slush here. it brings up a totally different image for me that i would not associate with in this context
in a wind-caught cocoon.

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole. <--i love love love this final strophe. gorgeous writing.


Original

I fill this bed
a week deep;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sweet smell
of spoiled meat in its wake.

My face, flooded
with pillow fluff,
rises and falls
and falls with a Tide
perfumed blanket
that's draped around my nape.

a mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams:

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole.

overall, i very much enjoyed this. that ending...just wonderful.

Hi - I like your poem and edit; it's great to see how small changes affect the work as a whole. My main suggestion is about the order of the stanzas - see what you think. I suggest it because, for me, coming where it does it breaks the feeling built up by involving the reader in the 'perfumed tides', because it is a bit prosaic, so I'm outside the poem again - yet the next stanza goes back to lyrical. But by starting with it, you introduce your poem and move ever deeper into the dream-like state from there.

Edit 1

A mattress is the closest
and furthest thing
from my dreams.

A week deep
I fill the bed;
drowning in its sheets
while summer slips
past the window, dragging
the sharp scent
of spoiled meat in its wake. I agree with cj about the suggested changes, although if you don't use them, you still need to fix the semi colon

I rise and fall with a Tide
perfumed blanket
draped around my form, 'draped in a Tide
perfumed blanket' sharpens this up
[like caterpillar slush
in a wind-caught cocoon.] This simile feels out of place, though the sounds are great. I think the sustained metaphor of ocean works well without it

a choir of steamships
roaming an otherwise quiet thought,
and myself,
evaporating into something whole. great strong ending.