Suburban Guerillas

[Mad Matt]

On a vast estate of mock Tudor homes, 
All over extended on their long term loans
That might last longer than their owners marriage, 
There's a brand new Beamer in every garage. 


Inside there is drinking 
And maybe swinging 
As men swap wives 
With identical lives. 


At nearby identical bars, 
Behind the music of identical stars, 
Men compare identical cars. 
"My Beamer is bigger than yours, 
And has the optional extra electric doors." 
"Well my downstairs is slightly bigger 
And I've paid for my wife's perfect figure." 
And so it continues in the British Tradition 
Of suburban rivalry and competition. 
Until Monday morning at the usual hour 
After the usual breakfast and the usual shower 
And the usual Prozac to muffle the pain 
They cram themselves on the usual train. 


The suburban guerillas are marching to war, 
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of ........business? 


To the same old desk with the same old phone 
And the same old people having the same old moan 
And the same old grovelling to the same old boss 
And the same old memos about profit and loss 
And the same old dream to reach the top 
Before the same old sandwich from the same old shop. 


Till the kids they hardly met leave home 
And they're left bereft and all alone 
In a sham of a marriage with a wife they hardly knew 
With a perfect figure they cannot screw. 
Then after a life of dreams being crushed 
Under the carpet they're eventually brushed. 
"It's for your own good." They might well say, 
Before they're shoved in a home to rot away. 
They'll end their days maybe weaving a basket 
Before they all end up in a mock Tudor casket

[Erthona]

This seems to be primarily in accentual verse, roaming between 2 and 4 foot line. The transitions seem to work seamlessly. The pattern seems to energize the poem throughout. As this is mostly in rhyming couplets, it sometimes does not follow that pattern, and also some off rhymes that are probably stretched to far, i.e.,

marriage-garage

To me the 4th section is handled somewhat inelegantly. As well as being obvious:

"The suburban guerillas are marching to war,  (I would drop the "the")

Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of ........business?"

I understand what you are trying to do by dropping the rhyme, I just don't think it works. I was not holding my breath waiting for a rhyme with war to appear, and then being shocked when it did not happen.




Although the theme of the poem has been overused to the point of triteness; despite that, the bouncy, and energetic way of the poem keeps the reader involved even though the outcome is assured.

Dale

[Mad Matt]

Thanks for the feed back. I will dispute one thing, however, but I'll let you off as you are an American who would pronounce garage gaa-raage whereas in the British (westcountry) pronunciation it is gaar-ridge. Drinking - swinging is a bit of an off rhyme though.

Matt

[Erthona]

Well, we do not have very good shools in the USA.

Dale