Edit 1 AJ and Tiger the Lion

Strange that it had grown
on the side of a sandstone slab.
A huge knarred hand reaching out
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour.

The pendulum effect was magnificent,
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots collected skin and blood
from thin boned boys on summer days
that shared a look at dirty books,
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark.

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over its tomb.

I walked up the hill to see it gone,
my clothes grew with each step,
until I stood as a small boy
remembering,
how I once learned to fly.


Original

Strange enough that it had grown
on the side of a sandstone slab.
A huge knarred hand reaching out
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour.

The pendulum effect was magnificent,
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virgins
that sat and looked at dirty books,
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark.

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

(07-17-2014, 10:39 AM)Keith Wrote:  Strange enough that it had grown
on the side of a sandstone slab.great sibilance
A huge knarred hand reaching out"knarred" is perfect, you may not need "out"
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour.Love this line

The pendulum effect was magnificent,[/b]
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virginsThis is the one line I'm stuck on. It's not actually cliche. but the rest of the poem is so much above it.
that sat and looked at dirty books,
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark. another favorite line

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

Hey Keith. I enjoyed this one very much. Some outstanding word choices in keeping with the tree/hand-arm motifs. Thanks for sharing. - Paul

Hi Kieth, There are very few of your poems that i cannot connect with or see a clear and compelling picture...i think this is why I like your writing so much. (Clever and arty farty is all well and good but is well above my pay level most of the time!). I like your poems because they are earthed in subjects I can identify with.

I'm struggling to get my head back into the concept of critting so just a couple of comments. Overall i think this one works well.

(07-17-2014, 10:39 AM)Keith Wrote:  Strange enough that it had grown Not sure about the enough in this line..it is okay but I was then expecting a counter point to this word to justify its use. (We had a tree just like this in our village churchyard wall that hung over the road on the way to school. Road = no swing though but the roots took out the lower wall and made a sort of cave instead great on winter night walks home to hide in)
on the side of a sandstone slab.
A huge knarred hand reaching out
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour. love all the details in this stanza. It beds the childs voice / perspective.

The pendulum effect was magnificent,
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virgins Stumbled here. Think this errs to the side of cliche. Suggestion : sucked dry the dirty virgins...
that sat and looked at dirty books, ...then need a change here to ..?..risque books
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark.

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison. Nicely done to capture the moment and the wound to childhood. Not conviced about prision might have liked tomb.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

Keep writing I always enjoy reading them
AJ

(07-17-2014, 11:39 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  

(07-17-2014, 10:39 AM)Keith Wrote:  Strange enough that it had grown
on the side of a sandstone slab.great sibilance
A huge knarred hand reaching out"knarred" is perfect, you may not need "out"
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour.Love this line

The pendulum effect was magnificent,[/b]
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virginsThis is the one line I'm stuck on. It's not actually cliche. but the rest of the poem is so much above it.
that sat and looked at dirty books,
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark. another favorite line

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

Hey Keith. I enjoyed this one very much. Some outstanding word choices in keeping with the tree/hand-arm motifs. Thanks for sharing. - Paul

Thank you for taking the time Paul I found your considered comments very helpful and shall take them into the edit. Best Keith

---

(07-17-2014, 04:21 PM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi Kieth, There are very few of your poems that i cannot connect with or see a clear and compelling picture...i think this is why I like your writing so much. (Clever and arty farty is all well and good but is well above my pay level most of the time!). I like your poems because they are earthed in subjects I can identify with.

I'm struggling to get my head back into the concept of critting so just a couple of comments. Overall i think this one works well.

(07-17-2014, 10:39 AM)Keith Wrote:  Strange enough that it had grown Not sure about the enough in this line..it is okay but I was then expecting a counter point to this word to justify its use. (We had a tree just like this in our village churchyard wall that hung over the road on the way to school. Road = no swing though but the roots took out the lower wall and made a sort of cave instead great on winter night walks home to hide in)
on the side of a sandstone slab.
A huge knarred hand reaching out
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour. love all the details in this stanza. It beds the childs voice / perspective.

The pendulum effect was magnificent,
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virgins Stumbled here. Think this errs to the side of cliche. Suggestion : sucked dry the dirty virgins...
that sat and looked at dirty books, ...then need a change here to ..?..risque books
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark.

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison. Nicely done to capture the moment and the wound to childhood. Not conviced about prision might have liked tomb.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

Keep writing I always enjoy reading them
AJ

Ha Ha, great to hear from you AJ, I can do farty but not much arty in my vocab i'm afraid, some things don't change I agree with you and Paul about the virgins blood and its all gone now. Thanks for tomb it picks up wound quite nicely so I've nabbed it. Hope all is well with you and yours and as I said its great to hear from you, keep well Keith

(07-18-2014, 07:54 AM)Keith Wrote:  

(07-17-2014, 11:39 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  

(07-17-2014, 10:39 AM)Keith Wrote:  Strange enough that it had grown
on the side of a sandstone slab.great sibilance
A huge knarred hand reaching out"knarred" is perfect, you may not need "out"
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour.Love this line

The pendulum effect was magnificent,[/b]
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virginsThis is the one line I'm stuck on. It's not actually cliche. but the rest of the poem is so much above it.
that sat and looked at dirty books,
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark. another favorite line

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

Hey Keith. I enjoyed this one very much. Some outstanding word choices in keeping with the tree/hand-arm motifs. Thanks for sharing. - Paul

Thank you for taking the time Paul I found your considered comments very helpful and shall take them into the edit. Best Keith

---

(07-17-2014, 04:21 PM)cidermaid Wrote:  Hi Kieth, There are very few of your poems that i cannot connect with or see a clear and compelling picture...i think this is why I like your writing so much. (Clever and arty farty is all well and good but is well above my pay level most of the time!). I like your poems because they are earthed in subjects I can identify with.

I'm struggling to get my head back into the concept of critting so just a couple of comments. Overall i think this one works well.

(07-17-2014, 10:39 AM)Keith Wrote:  Strange enough that it had grown Not sure about the enough in this line..it is okay but I was then expecting a counter point to this word to justify its use. (We had a tree just like this in our village churchyard wall that hung over the road on the way to school. Road = no swing though but the roots took out the lower wall and made a sort of cave instead great on winter night walks home to hide in)
on the side of a sandstone slab.
A huge knarred hand reaching out
to touch another world,
held by an underground prison.
I thought of it as old,
generations had played at its wrist,
swung from its finger tips.

The rope had been robbed
from a coal mine,
It gave out black blisters
and was hung by a rumour. love all the details in this stanza. It beds the childs voice / perspective.

The pendulum effect was magnificent,
motion sickness spun from the canopy
to the creak of a rolling Galleon.
Roots drank the blood of virgins Stumbled here. Think this errs to the side of cliche. Suggestion : sucked dry the dirty virgins...
that sat and looked at dirty books, ...then need a change here to ..?..risque books
before they chanced the rope
and felt the kiss of bark.

They chopped off its hand
with no one to hold it,
broke up the slab,
sealed the wound with tar,
built houses over the prison. Nicely done to capture the moment and the wound to childhood. Not conviced about prision might have liked tomb.

I visited and spoke through the glass,
we wept for our loss.

Keep writing I always enjoy reading them
AJ

Ha Ha, great to hear from you AJ, I can do farty but not much arty in my vocab i'm afraid, some things don't change I agree with you and Paul about the virgins blood and its all gone now. Thanks for tomb it picks up wound quite nicely so I've nabbed it. Hope all is well with you and yours and as I said its great to hear from you, keep well Keith

Love the edit in S3/L4. Much better, IMO.

Thanks Paul good to know the edit works. Best Keith

(11-15-2014, 02:51 AM)megasamtron Wrote:  nice word choice

Megasamtron, I have now read your feedback on three other poems and my own. WTF are you playing at ? This site is a workshop site were poets come to improve, if all you can offer is three words of bullshit then I suggest you think out your strategy on how you expect to be part of the site. Please stop posting meaningless tokens that add nothing.