Late Again

[Keith]

Edit 1 (Leanne)
We were always late on a Mondays,
snow only made it worse.

The light was just behind us,
a cold night's eye opened as you drove,
half asleep I watched the morning making shapes
as we dropped through mist pockets,
feeling gray-scale against the Mexico’s yellow.
Gently we drifted, millimeters above the apex.

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are both splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then its shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs and hand placed flowers.

The force broke both my legs.
I couldn't cry-
I had to listen to you choke.
In class they waited,
someone made a joke
about crash test dummies,
it turned out to be true.

Original
We were always late on a Mondays,
snow only made it worse,
the college canteen would be wet with slush.
KitKat’s and dish-water coffe
half dispensed and left behind as a warning.
Plastic chairs with cigarette burns
flipped for exiting legs.
Corridors echo empty as cleaners complain
again about the state of the place
and the disgrace of kids today.

The light was just behind us,
a cold nights eye opened as you drove.
half asleep I watched the morning making shapes,
dropping through mountain mist pockets
feeling gray-scale against the Mexico’s yellow.
Gently we drifted, millimeters above the apex
then gone like smoke in a draft

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are both splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then it’s shape will be quite dramatic
against the planted bulbs and hand placed flowers.

The force broke both my legs,  
I couldn't cry
I had to listen to you choke.
They were waiting in class,
someone made a joke about us crashing,
it turned out to be sick.

[Leanne]

We were always late on a Mondays,
snow only made it worse,
the college canteen would be wet with slush. -- should probably be a comma instead of a full stop
KitKat’s and dish-water coffee -- *KitKats, no apostrophe
half dispensed and left behind as a warning.
Plastic chairs with cigarette burns
flipped for exiting legs.
Corridors echo empty as cleaners complain
again about the state of the place
and the disgrace of kids today. -- "the disgrace" isn't quite the right connotation -- to still pick up the rhyme, how about "and how disgraceful kids are today" or "and how they're disgraceful, the kids of today"?


The light was just behind us,
a cold nights eye opened as you drove. -- *night's
half asleep I watched the morning making shapes,
dropping through mountain mist pockets
feeling gray-scale against the Mexico’s yellow.
Gently we drifted, millimeters above the apex
then gone like smoke in a draft. -- this ethereal buildup works beautifully with the very solid (pardon!) volte of the next stanza.  The reader knows that something is going to happen, but we must drift through that same mist to get to it.  

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are both splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then it’s shape will be quite dramatic -- *its
against the planted bulbs and hand placed flowers. -- obviously not the first time this has been the site of a crash -- excellent detail

The force broke both my legs, -- full stop
I couldn't cry -- a dash here would work best
I had to listen to you choke.
They were waiting in class, -- maybe "in class they waited for us" just to remove an -ing
someone made a joke about us crashing,
it turned out to be sick. -- what about "pretty sick"?  I love this ending, because it's exactly what school kids are like.  This is a very real, gritty and painful poem.  

[Keith]

We were always late on a Mondays,
snow only made it worse,
the college canteen would be wet with slush. -- should probably be a comma instead of a full stop
KitKat’s and dish-water coffee -- *KitKats, no apostrophe
half dispensed and left behind as a warning.
Plastic chairs with cigarette burns
flipped for exiting legs.
Corridors echo empty as cleaners complain
again about the state of the place
and the disgrace of kids today. -- "the disgrace" isn't quite the right connotation -- to still pick up the rhyme, how about "and how disgraceful kids are today" or "and how they're disgraceful, the kids of today"?


The light was just behind us,
a cold nights eye opened as you drove. -- *night's
half asleep I watched the morning making shapes,
dropping through mountain mist pockets
feeling gray-scale against the Mexico’s yellow.
Gently we drifted, millimeters above the apex
then gone like smoke in a draft. -- this ethereal buildup works beautifully with the very solid (pardon!) volte of the next stanza.  The reader knows that something is going to happen, but we must drift through that same mist to get to it.  

If you’re going to hit a tree
Cedars are both splendid and solid.
If you think you might die,
then it’s shape will be quite dramatic -- *its
against the planted bulbs and hand placed flowers. -- obviously not the first time this has been the site of a crash -- excellent detail

The force broke both my legs, -- full stop
I couldn't cry -- a dash here would work best
I had to listen to you choke.
They were waiting in class, -- maybe "in class they waited for us" just to remove an -ing
someone made a joke about us crashing,
it turned out to be sick. -- what about "pretty sick"?  I love this ending, because it's exactly what school kids are like.  This is a very real, gritty and painful poem.  

Thanks for the feedback Leanne everything makes sense, sorry for all the 's's and thanks for pointing them out, I will fix them first and go into the edit later. I will have alook at the ing thing Cheers Keith