Some lovers keep score,
harvesting envy to seed warmth,
and passion; something everlasting.

Can we feel it?

Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting.

Can we find it?

Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace,
influence, or lasting legacy.

Can we gain it?

We always protect what we're afraid lose,
Don't we?





We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant:
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than not try. But we try, but we try."
Better to lie?

We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it.

The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes.
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons.

(06-16-2014, 01:17 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Some lovers keep score,
harvesting envy to seed warmth,
and passion; something everlasting. Not sure if passion is everlasting

Can we feel it?

Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting. I like "justice, or just..."

Can we find it?

Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace,
influence, or lasting legacy. "lasting" might be a redundant adjective to "legacy" You could say long lasting legacy, and achieve even more alliteration, but then have 2 redundancies,

Can we gain it?

We always protect what we're afraid lose,
Don't we?

I like the 2nd half better somehow. More than that, I like that there is 2nd half.



We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant:
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than not try. But we try, but we try."
Better to lie?

We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it.

The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes.
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons.

Enjoyable read QDS. Thanks for posting. I learned a few things here. - Paul

(06-16-2014, 01:17 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Some lovers keep score,
harvesting envy to seed warmth,
and passion; something everlasting. Tempted to ask if you are sure about this. For me the abstractions involve mixed metaphors which themselves are not clarifying. "harvesting to seed"? "seeding warmth"?

Can we feel it? Feel what? "It" is so indefinite that to hang a poem on its hook seems to ask for trouble

Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting. ...and again. "just serenity fleeting" means what? I don't feel that YOU know but no doubt you will explain it to me...then you loose the point.

Can we find it? No comment

Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace,
influence, or lasting legacy. Great sounding words, and there is a vowed intent here. Almost worth writing about:)

Can we gain it? AAAARRRGGHHH!

We always protect what we're afraid lose,
Don't we? Well, no, frankly.





We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant:
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than not try. But we try, but we try."
Better to lie?

We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it. This is plain silly and unworthy

The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes. Huh?
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons. Double huh?

See below on this part.

Hi q,
This is a bit of a mixed bag but it IS a bag...singular...in spite of the content shifs in form and intent. I have read it through several times to find out why I feel uncomfortable with the wholeness if it and I believe it is because you are too. The route you chose at the outset just doesn't go where you thought it would and you are too proud to accept the error and to stop going nowhere. The end of the journey is the end of the "first part" . The "second part" is a whole new piece and is, to my mind, a better poem. This kind of "question/answer" stuff, whilst no doubt satisfying the writer, never really works if you are anything but blatantly rhetorical. ( How many ways can I love thee...How many roads must a man walk down...Where have all the flowers gone etc,etc).
Regarding the "tragedy of commons references", Hardin's theory was much discussed in the aftermath of school dinner spam wars when I was in 5th year. We never extended the metaphor past one lunch time because each new day brough a new theory of how best to get the most from fellow diners without alienating oneself to the extent of ostracisation and possible starvation:) The concept you touch on is, of course, inherently more cerebral than should each, in rota, eat all others battered spam at the single sitting, as a means of satisfying a spam urge, or should each be content with a regular "unit" share. Unfortunately, I do not think that your dissertation argues a fungible case when it comes to abstractions. Spam and common land I understand...love, envy, justice, faith, grace as "commodities" I do not.
The danger is that questions begat questions but only up to a point...then you don't run out of sensible answers, you run out of sensible questions. And that is the problem here. Shorten it or split it in to two poems. All is opinion.
Best,
tectak

Hi, Q, I don't know if you have any interest in this any more but I came across it and I do. I think you could tighten up the first part easily, as shown below. The second half is more problematic, a lot of tell, but the content is interesting and I'm wondering if you'd like to take another swing at it now that some time has passed. If not, sorry for the bump and if you PM me to delete this post it will sink back down.

(06-16-2014, 01:17 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote:  Some lovers keep score,
harvesting envy to seed warmth,
and passion; something everlasting. I love the opening, interesting and covers a lot of bases.

Can we feel it?

Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting. I like this also, possibly switch fleeting serenity.

Can we find it?

Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace, Strong line.
influence, or lasting legacy.

Can we gain it?

We always protect what we're afraid lose,
Don't we?





We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant: The empty chant is interesting, maybe you could do more with that.
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than not try. But we try, but we try."
Better to lie?

We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it.

The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes.
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons.

Some lovers keep score,
harvesting envy to seed warmth, (I'd lose the comma, the line break already provides the pause)
and passion; something everlasting.

Can we feel it? (I'm caught between whether or not this should be on its own line along with the other two questions; I think it may look and read better without the space)

Some heroes ride down
dark roads in search of meaning,
justice, or just serenity fleeting.  (I like this stanza)

Can we find it? (same about space)
Some leaders forfeit faith
and stumble chasing grace,
influence, or lasting legacy.

Can we gain it? (same about space)
We always protect
what we're afraid lose, (perhaps drop this down a line for length balance)
Don't we?


(this space made me think it was your posting signature, maybe close the gap a little bit, but still make clear that it's a second part)


We always lose what we hold dear.
Excrete some pity or hurl empty chant:
life's not fair, we take for granted, this or that.
We are able to accept failure if we loose (lose)
control. Posted note excuses whispering
"Better to fail than (to) not try.
But we try, but we try." (drop down a line)
Better to lie?

We will never truly feel it, find it, or gain it.

The tragedy of commons is the sum of our mistakes.
We tiredly toss away each little piece of meaning
to barter for a better idea of our soul,
but life's meaning is right there
forgotten, in the tragedy
of commons. (Like others, I'm not too sure what the tragedy of commons is)
 
I really enjoyed this poem, and I hope that you find my feedback useful.
 
Emma