Of Waste

[Minu]

Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste?
 
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.
 
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,
 
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns.
 
A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
 
Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
 
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.
 
Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
 
Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?

[milo]

Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste?
 
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.
 
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,
 
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns.
 
A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
 
Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
 
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.
 
Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
 
Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?

To be honest, this is pretty bad. The combination of the tortured meter and forced rhymes should be enough to scare most readers away, but the "list of hyperbolic abstractions" actually makes me cringe.  I would recommend you take a single image or concept and develop it properly and consistently all the way through the poem and avoid tweenie cliches like "hopes die", "bloodided earth", "scorched lands" etc, etc, etc.



There is not a single line or image here that I would recommend keeping, better to think of something fresh, new or original.  Also, avoud those painful inversions.

You might want this moved to novice until it is polished enough for "serious"

[Minu]

To be honest, this is pretty bad. The combination of the tortured meter and forced rhymes should be enough to scare most readers away, but the "list of hyperbolic abstractions" actually makes me cringe.  I would recommend you take a single image or concept and develop it properly and consistently all the way through the poem and avoid tweenie cliches like "hopes die", "bloodided earth", "scorched lands" etc, etc, etc.

There is not a single line or image here that I would recommend keeping, better to think of something fresh, new or original.  Also, avoud those painful inversions.

You might want this moved to novice until it is polished enough for "serious"

Yet it has been published twice by two separate poetry magazines in Europe. So there must have been something they liked.

[just mercedes]

Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste?
 
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.
 
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,
 
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns.
 
A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
 
Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
 
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.
 
Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
 
Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?

The problems with your poem begin with the first question. No, I can't taste 'carnivorous waste'.

The pedestrian rhyming and inverted word order need a lot of work. Punctuation is important. It's one of the tools in a poet's toolbox - use them all.

There isn't an original image in your poem. It reads like a list of cliches.

You need to clarify for your reader who 'they', 'you' and 'us/our' represent.

[QDeathstar]

To be honest, this is pretty bad. The combination of the tortured meter and forced rhymes should be enough to scare most readers away, but the "list of hyperbolic abstractions" actually makes me cringe.  I would recommend you take a single image or concept and develop it properly and consistently all the way through the poem and avoid tweenie cliches like "hopes die", "bloodided earth", "scorched lands" etc, etc, etc.

There is not a single line or image here that I would recommend keeping, better to think of something fresh, new or original.  Also, avoud those painful inversions.

You might want this moved to novice until it is polished enough for "serious"

Yet it has been published twice by two separate poetry magazines in Europe. So there must have been something they liked.

Well, I mean, you're posting it here to be critiqued* here. So, what happened on Pluto isn't important. Once, when I was in highschool I got something in the mail telling me I was going to get published. Imagine my glee when all they wanted in return was $19.95.

Also, I'm frequently published in the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist.

As far as the poem goes... as much as it complains amount the motions of daily life it drowns in its own motions of stereotypical stylistic poetry. Like, what a six year old imagines poetry to be. It makes no new points of its own, does it? Or did I miss something. These are all idle complaints. Worse, they are timeless complaints. Its barely topical.

cons lie? well, balls roll, earth spins, people shit. All equally powerful images to place into your piece.

faithless pawns makes zero sense. pawns have the upmost faith in their leader, the king. Otherwise they wouldn't sacrifice themselves for him.

half of the poem is just a random list of words.... views slanted? what? a switch flipped, a moral skipped.

look, if it's just one moral that is skipped, why bother with it, I'm sure we can all live with just one of those forgotten about... it's the long tail of forgotten morals that is really the issue here, isn't it!

When you say carnivorous waste it makes me think you are some liberal vegetarian about to spout off about how turkeys are getting slaughter by the millions. But nay, it's just some general complaints about general problems in a generic poem that has been published in some generic magazine.

[billy]

Yet it has been published twice by two separate poetry magazines in Europe. So there must have been something they liked.

europes not all it's cracked up to be.

while it sounds a sing songy maybe a bit rappy; it doesn't say a lot apart from flip generalizations. [can you taste] most seems to have nothing to do with waste.
it's a hard poem to do a line by line and be constructive.

Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? what is carnivorous waste; shit?
 
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.  what does this have to do with waste?
 
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes, or this
 
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns. or this
 
A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
 
Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
 
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.
 
Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
 
Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?

[Badatpoetry101]

To be honest, this is pretty bad. The combination of the tortured meter and forced rhymes should be enough to scare most readers away, but the "list of hyperbolic abstractions" actually makes me cringe.  I would recommend you take a single image or concept and develop it properly and consistently all the way through the poem and avoid tweenie cliches like "hopes die", "bloodided earth", "scorched lands" etc, etc, etc.

There is not a single line or image here that I would recommend keeping, better to think of something fresh, new or original.  Also, avoud those painful inversions.

You might want this moved to novice until it is polished enough for "serious"

Yet it has been published twice by two separate poetry magazines in Europe. So there must have been something they liked.

The premise of this forum is that the author is not satisfied with their piece and is seeking advice to improve upon. When you decided to hit post you agreed to this premise. You should stop and think. The people critiquing have no vested interest in your failure. Maybe take it at face value and not to heart. I found myself agreeing with what they (milo?) were saying. It may have been blunt, but it is a valid opinion and they were not being unkind. As an aside I would like to known what magazines published your piece.

[Schmitzhugen]

[quote='Minu' pid='200200' dateline='1448359641']
Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? Actually, no- I can't. What is this by the way? If you wish to stick with the phrase, please make some attempt to define it later in the poem.
 
Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted. What are you trying to comment on? Moral ambiguity? If so, focus more on it in further stanzas, don't just introduce a theme and drop it immediately.
 
Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams, Nice juxtaposition, but it doesn't really make sense?
Endless schemes,
 
Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns. The most interesting (that is not to say original) idea you've broached thus-far, but your commentary on the mindless masses is only superficial at best.
 


Ultimately, I feel that your simple rhyming structure, utterly devoid of meter, restrains your poem. All ideas are only approached in the most superficial way possible, and original imagery and themes are rare.

'Tell all the truth but tell it slant' - Emily Dickinson.

You tackle your issues so bullishly and head-on that it renders the poem ineffective.

[Pyrra]

Dear Minu,

you wanted "serious workshopping", and I hope my critique, my first one ever(!), will at least do some of the workshopping, even if it is lacking the seriousness.

1) Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? something to do with the

2) Cars burning,
People yearning,
Freedoms granted,
On views slanted.

3) Cons lie,
Hope dies,
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,

4) Those bullets ring,
These masses sing,
The marching on,
Of faithless pawns.

5) A switch flipped,
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.

Bridges aflame,
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.

For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die,
Deserted command,
Vindication stands.

Scorched lands,
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,

Can you now taste,
Our carnivorous waste?
_____________________________

1) I can somewhat relate to the term "carnivorous waste". I am not sure, if I get the picture right, but for me it seems to have something to do with the idea that in order to get 1kg of meat from a cow you need more than 10kg of corn. To eat meat we waste food: carnivorous waste. But, since the rest of the poem is hardly touching on the subject, I am not sure if I even got this picture right.

2) Here already we leave the topic (or the topic as far as I understood it.) I guess you are relating to other problems our society is dealing out. We burn fossil fuel, and we are never satisfied with what we have, we always want more. And, yes, there are people saying one of the main problems with society is how it is changing it's views on themes such as homosexuality, freedom of religion (or not having one) and equality between men and women, to name a few. I can't say I agree, but this is what I understood from your lines.

3) I like pleonasms, so you got me on that one. But then, why are you suddenly breaking up the rhyme? why does it say "Cons lie /Hope dies,", when I guess it could just aswell say "Cons lie, /Hopes die,"? And, even though I have tried my hardest I could not relate to the perfect screams. Maybe you could explain?

4) Here you are loosing me. Ringing bullets? But then I do like the end of this verse, the part with the pawns. Have you considered pulling verse 3 & 4 together to make one out of them? Take the first two lines of 3 and the last two of 4, I think they go together well.

5) Again, I find the first two lines really have something going for them. It is so easy to flip a switch and to see the results of this without knowing anything about the background of how this switch works. The narrator here seems to be complaining about morals being switched on and off in the same way you might use a lightswitch to turn the lights on and off, to suit your needs and without any consideration for the background. Unfortunatly I can't get the picture you are painting in the last two lines.
And, to be honest, all the rest of the poem seems to be there to prolong it. If I may point out the one phrase in the rest of the poem, that I DID like, it was "Fingered blame". How you point the finger at someone to blame him for something. I like the way you have shortend this.

All in all I think the poem has got some really good ideas and thoughts, but they are all so mixed up and too fast. I guess you have been trying to make the poem "mirror" the fast paced world it is talking about. Maybe by structuring it a little more you make it easier for your reader to follow your train of thoughts.

[billy]

all i can do is echo milo's suggestions for the same reasons. to do a line by line would be doing a disservice to other poetry that's placed in serious.

[21Words]

I disagree with the others, I think the poem isn't a total waste. It has good lines and ideas sprinkled throughout, but overall I agree that it falls flat. That said,:

Can you not taste,
The carnivorous waste? I would change waste here to wastes. Makes it less sing-songy, and helps to paint a better picture of an larger expanse of waste, and can even imply a wasteland.
 
Cars burning, I originally read this as "Cats burning", and honestly liked that line better. Who cares if cars burn? I get that you are trying to show us a scene of carnage and unrest like when protesters burn cars, but I think the imagery of a cat being burned works better by showing why the people are yearning (for a change)
People yearning,
Freedoms granted, I would change freedoms to freedom, flows better
On views slanted. Don't like this line, primarily because it doesn't sound very good but also it loses me on what you are trying to say. Maybe change it to something about the powers that be recanting something? "yada yada...recanted" Just a thought
 
Cons lie, I don't like this entire stanza, doesn't sound very good, is a bit cliche, and doesn't really give me any more meaning.
Hope dies, 
Perfect screams,
Endless schemes,
 
Those bullets ring, "The bullets ring / While masses sing" would work better
These masses sing,
The marching on, Now that I'm into it I feel like I'm ripping the whole poem all apart, but again these two lines don't work for me at all.
Of faithless pawns. Although I do like to idea of "faithless pawns". I believe another commenter pointed out that it doesn't make sense, but I'd argued that's exactly why it's good. Pawns are commonly seen as things/people who don't think for themselves and rather have put their entire faith into a stronger force, but this line makes me picture someone who doesn't believe in those stronger forces, but does what they want them to do anyway, in a lifeless, go with the flow and don't ever think for yourself kind of way. Rework the 3rd line and it still might work here.

A switch flipped, Sorry, all 4 of these lines feel forced and unnecessary 
A moral skipped,
The ravished scenes,
And weakened dreams.
 
Bridges aflame, I think I get what you're going for here, but I don't think it works. The parts I like about this poem are the ones that are broad and can be applied to many aspects of life. It seem here like you're trying to show that like a bomb has been dropped maybe? I like some of the stuff earlier that speaks to revolution and discontent, but this switches and fingers stuff is too specific
Fingered blame,
Hearts weep,
Illusions leap.
 
For vice they cry,
For rebirth they die, Don't care for the other three, but I think this line is excellent. It has religious implications in that people choose to die in hopes of finding a better life on the other side, in heaven or reborn or what have you, and also says that people willing give their lives for a cause in hopes that things will be better for their sacrifice.
Deserted command,
Vindication stands. 
 
Scorched lands, Again, no to all 4.
Jilted hands.
Bloodied earth,
Twisted mirth,
 
Can you now taste, I like the mirroring "not" at the beginning with "now" here.
Our carnivorous wastes?

Honestly, I don't mean any disrespect, but this would have gotten a lot better reception in the mild or just for fun forums. You've got some good lines and ideas peppered throughout, but the cadence and the rhythm and the editing just aren't there for me.