I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe.
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

(04-26-2014, 01:41 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe.
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

Hello Gestalt, half of verse 3 is almost a mirror image of verse 1, exept in verse 3 you are alive, and I cannot (for the life of me) see how you got to that state when in verse 1 you are "dead".

You repeat " but still I breathe" twice in V3 which jars me, and I cannot connect the dots as to why the narrator "still breathes".

what does "the wind surrounds me and howls for my surrender" mean?

How can a "lifeless body", be "staggered" across the seaside cliffs?.

I always think of a "tomb" as being "enclosed".

The way this section is worded likens the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb".

Thank you for posting.
JG

(04-26-2014, 03:44 AM)John Galt Wrote:  

(04-26-2014, 01:41 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe.
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

Hello Gestalt, half of verse 3 is almost a mirror image of verse 1, exept in verse 3 you are alive, and I cannot (for the life of me) see how you got to that state when in verse 1 you are "dead".

The state of death is symbolic of course, its alluding to being dead while alive, whether it be spiritually, emotionally, psychologically or all of the above.

You repeat " but still I breathe" twice in V3 which jars me, and I cannot connect the dots as to why the narrator "still breathes".

The narrator still breathes because they still have an ounce of fight left, he/she may have succumbed to life's cruelties, but there is still a glimmer of hope, as he/she lays "lifeless". I repeat the wind in the third versus because it is ever present, threatening the protagonist's will to continue on.
what does "the wind surrounds me and howls for my surrender" mean?

The wind can be many things, but mostly someone's inner demons and doubts, etc.
How can a "lifeless body", be "staggered" across the seaside cliffs?.

Imagine a lifeless body upon jagged rocks, it wouldn't be neatly laid out due to the topography.

I always think of a "tomb" as being "enclosed".

The use of tomb here is being used as a symbol more so than a structure.
The way this section is worded likens the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb".

Thank you for posting.
JG

Thanks for taking the time to read!

(04-26-2014, 01:41 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe.
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

I like the metaphor, but the poem seems messy to me. It would be a far more powerful a poem if you used fewer words. I'll put an example below. Plus, repetition can really help a poem, and you sort of use repetition, but not very neatly and it seems too unplanned. Repetition is good, but it needs to be consistent or it looses meaning. In the third stanza you use a similar sentence to the first stanza, I would maybe make them identical, which would mean restructuring the last stanza a bit. Does that make sense? Below is a suggestion for the fewer words for the first stanza. Hope this helps...

I am already dead,
No,
trying to rise.
Wind surrounds me,
howls arounds me:
Surrender!
No,
too late.
I succumbed moons ago;
too bleak, my soul too meek.

(04-26-2014, 04:12 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  

(04-26-2014, 03:44 AM)John Galt Wrote:  

(04-26-2014, 01:41 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe.
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

Hello Gestalt, half of verse 3 is almost a mirror image of verse 1, exept in verse 3 you are alive, and I cannot (for the life of me) see how you got to that state when in verse 1 you are "dead".

The state of death is symbolic of course, its alluding to being dead while alive, whether it be spiritually, emotionally, psychologically or all of the above.

We get that the death is symbolic, but the last stanza feels symbolic too (and at the same level as the first), hence the assumed contradiction.

You repeat " but still I breathe" twice in V3 which jars me, and I cannot connect the dots as to why the narrator "still breathes".

The narrator still breathes because they still have an ounce of fight left, he/she may have succumbed to life's cruelties, but there is still a glimmer of hope, as he/she lays "lifeless". I repeat the wind in the third versus because it is ever present, threatening the protagonist's will to continue on.

The repetition is, I think, appropriate for the purpose of the last stanza, but again, how could the narrator, who is "dead", be able to "still breathe" at all? If the psyche is dead, it implies that the psyche cannot flat out breathe; if it breathes, then that is after its death, and not a continuation of its state of death. I suggest that instead of saying "but I still breathe", you switch to a proper resurrection, or heck, you reject the idea of the psyche being completely dead and state that it is merely near-death.

what does "the wind surrounds me and howls for my surrender" mean?

The wind can be many things, but mostly someone's inner demons and doubts, etc.

The dead have already surrendered to death, so the wind wouldn't surround you and howl at your surrender when you're dead. But I get your interpretation of the wind, and I feel that it isn't misplaced, so I don't really think the line needs any changing.

How can a "lifeless body", be "staggered" across the seaside cliffs?.

Imagine a lifeless body upon jagged rocks, it wouldn't be neatly laid out due to the topography.

I believe you've a mistaken understanding of the general meaning of the word stagger: most people would interpret your statement as your dead body being moved by something into a state of near falling, as that's the general meaning of the word stagger. You've to change the wording to something better.

I always think of a "tomb" as being "enclosed".

[b]The use of tomb here is being used as a symbol more so than a structure.

[i]Tombs are abodes for deathly sleep, so stating that the tomb is "sleeping" is somewhat redundant: a more notable effect (but one that is different from your poem's point) is stating that the tomb is awake and full of life. However, the redundancy isn't always caught-upon, so I think you needn't change your wording there.

The way this section is worded likens the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb".

Likening the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb" feels like a very powerful comparison, as it feels like the "lifeless" correlates to the "sleeping", and the "body" correlates to the "tomb": that is, that the dead speaker feels entombed not only death but in life; in death he is entombed in death, in life he is entombed into his corporeal body. If that is the section's purpose, I suggest you just clarify that with a rewording

Thank you for posting.
JG

Thanks for taking the time to read!

The general purpose of the poem, though, feels unaccomplished, as in trying to breathe a spark of hope into the speaker's deathly state, he goes by simple contradiction instead of a more appropriate build up: in showing how he "still breathes", he contradicts his earlier statement that he's "already dead", a form kin to a deus ex machina. You have to remove that stinging contradiction that the speaker is both dead and still breathing (as discussed earlier on), then you have to make a really strong build up to the last bit, by I guess either making his world darker or implying early on sparks of light around his aching world.

(04-26-2014, 01:41 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live So, does this mean the speaker yearns to live as landless peasants? This line doesn't seem to serve a purpose.
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb. I don't know how this imagery fits in. I know it's supposed to be a metaphor, but the imagery implies that the speaker is physically dead. Try something that implies you're metaphorically dead.

-But I still breathe. Is the dash supposed to be there? It throws me off.
the wind, The beginning of a sentence should be capitalized. Also, the comma shouldn't be there. That line is too wordy. Just say, "The wind swirls and howls for my surrender."
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek. This first stanza feels very cut up, as in it doesn't seem to have a very fluid feel. The last line also feels a bit unnatural with that rhyme just thrown in there.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb.

-But I still breathe. I thought you were "already dead"? This is a bit confusing, especially with the word "still"
the wind,
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make- This hyphen seems unnecessary
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

I can't find any message to the reader. You don't convey any meaning or feeling with this poem and I find myself rather confused after reading it. The third stanzas seems to return to the first stanza in a way that makes it sound redundant. The main thing is that you lack progress in your poem. You don't seem to elaborate on any idea or feeling. My suggestion is to find what you want to say, what message you're trying to convey, and make that clearer in your poem. I think that once you do that, the poem will become much clearer itself.

(04-27-2014, 12:23 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  

(04-26-2014, 04:12 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  

(04-26-2014, 03:44 AM)John Galt Wrote:  Hello Gestalt, half of verse 3 is almost a mirror image of verse 1, exept in verse 3 you are alive, and I cannot (for the life of me) see how you got to that state when in verse 1 you are "dead".

The state of death is symbolic of course, its alluding to being dead while alive, whether it be spiritually, emotionally, psychologically or all of the above.

We get that the death is symbolic, but the last stanza feels symbolic too (and at the same level as the first), hence the assumed contradiction.

You repeat " but still I breathe" twice in V3 which jars me, and I cannot connect the dots as to why the narrator "still breathes".

The narrator still breathes because they still have an ounce of fight left, he/she may have succumbed to life's cruelties, but there is still a glimmer of hope, as he/she lays "lifeless". I repeat the wind in the third versus because it is ever present, threatening the protagonist's will to continue on.

The repetition is, I think, appropriate for the purpose of the last stanza, but again, how could the narrator, who is "dead", be able to "still breathe" at all? If the psyche is dead, it implies that the psyche cannot flat out breathe; if it breathes, then that is after its death, and not a continuation of its state of death. I suggest that instead of saying "but I still breathe", you switch to a proper resurrection, or heck, you reject the idea of the psyche being completely dead and state that it is merely near-death.

what does "the wind surrounds me and howls for my surrender" mean?

The wind can be many things, but mostly someone's inner demons and doubts, etc.

The dead have already surrendered to death, so the wind wouldn't surround you and howl at your surrender when you're dead. But I get your interpretation of the wind, and I feel that it isn't misplaced, so I don't really think the line needs any changing.

How can a "lifeless body", be "staggered" across the seaside cliffs?.

Imagine a lifeless body upon jagged rocks, it wouldn't be neatly laid out due to the topography.

I believe you've a mistaken understanding of the general meaning of the word stagger: most people would interpret your statement as your dead body being moved by something into a state of near falling, as that's the general meaning of the word stagger. You've to change the wording to something better.

I always think of a "tomb" as being "enclosed".

[b]The use of tomb here is being used as a symbol more so than a structure.

[i]Tombs are abodes for deathly sleep, so stating that the tomb is "sleeping" is somewhat redundant: a more notable effect (but one that is different from your poem's point) is stating that the tomb is awake and full of life. However, the redundancy isn't always caught-upon, so I think you needn't change your wording there.

The way this section is worded likens the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb".

Likening the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb" feels like a very powerful comparison, as it feels like the "lifeless" correlates to the "sleeping", and the "body" correlates to the "tomb": that is, that the dead speaker feels entombed not only death but in life; in death he is entombed in death, in life he is entombed into his corporeal body. If that is the section's purpose, I suggest you just clarify that with a rewording

Thank you for posting.
JG

Thanks for taking the time to read!

The general purpose of the poem, though, feels unaccomplished, as in trying to breathe a spark of hope into the speaker's deathly state, he goes by simple contradiction instead of a more appropriate build up: in showing how he "still breathes", he contradicts his earlier statement that he's "already dead", a form kin to a deus ex machina. You have to remove that stinging contradiction that the speaker is both dead and still breathing (as discussed earlier on), then you have to make a really strong build up to the last bit, by I guess either making his world darker or implying early on sparks of light around his aching world.

Hello all, I think JGalt encapsulated the theme of the poem very appropriately in stating: Likening the "lifeless body" to the "sleeping tomb" feels like a very powerful comparison, as it feels like the "lifeless" correlates to the "sleeping", and the "body" correlates to the "tomb": that is, that the dead speaker feels entombed not only death but in life; in death he is entombed in death, in life he is entombed into his corporeal body."

The title of the poem implies that the speaker is dead or "lifeless" and by the end of the poem, realizes that in fact he/she is not quite spiritually dead yet, and there is still last ounce of hope left to continue on. The first stanza begins with the speaker declaring that he/she is dead, the death is symbolic, its a spiritual death, not true death. The line "I'm just trying to rise now" alludes to the end goal being true death, either eagerly awaiting it, or contemplating it through more severe action. The wind is always a symbol of the narrator's darkest fears and doubts, that haunts him/her, as the narrator awaits death, the wind, howls for his/her surrender (suicide).

The second stanza further illustrates a bleak picture, the protagonist is seemingly lifeless across seaside cliffs, like a sleepless tomb. The narrator is both trapped in a body which he/she doesn't want to be in anymore, and is in a hostile environment. By the third stanza the narrator realizes that there is still life (hope) left in the seemingly lifeless body. Of course the wind (the darkness within) creates further doubts that there should be any hope left, and calls for his/her surrender yet again. Every move he makes, makes him/her colder still. The narrator still breathes, we don't know the final outcome, the narrator is just beginning to pick himself/herself up, but may not succeed.

---

(04-28-2014, 01:14 AM)ralex003 Wrote:  

(04-26-2014, 01:41 AM)Gestalt222 Wrote:  I'm already dead,
I'm just trying to rise now.
The wind surrounds me
and howls for my surrender.
I succumbed countless moons ago,
The world too bleak, my soul too meek.

Landless peasants lived a life
I couldn't live So, does this mean the speaker yearns to live as landless peasants? This line doesn't seem to serve a purpose.
Their souls intact, their fight not crushed.
The speaker is further degrading him/herself by comparing his lack of fight to those who have lived far more challenging lives, in the conventional sense.
I mourn the lifeless body,
staggered across the seaside cliffs.
Laid upon the jagged rocks
like a sleeping tomb. [b]I don't know how this imagery fits in. I know it's supposed to be a metaphor, but the imagery implies that the speaker is physically dead. Try something that implies you're metaphorically dead.
Please see previous post that summarizes poem.[/b]

-But I still breathe. Is the dash supposed to be there? It throws me off.
the wind, The beginning of a sentence should be capitalized. Also, the comma shouldn't be there. That line is too wordy. Just say, "The wind swirls and howls for my surrender."
it swirls and
it howls
for my surrender.
Every move I make-
makes me colder,
but I still breathe.

I might consider taking out "it", I definitely need to reread outloud to make that decision. Thanks for the thorough reading!