God is Dead

[Am I A Poet?]

Short little verse borrowing influence heavily from Nietzsche's Parable of the Madman. Hope you enjoy


That daytime rebel holding lantern bright
Is not so mad as first he may appear.
The hidden Future still could prove him right,
Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here.

[Erthona]

Ah yes, I can now smell the "divine putrefaction", even as I run for my bottle heavy duty febreze. Ah the wonder of it all, modern science has even invented a spray to take away the smell of the essence of a dead God. How marvelous we are. Not only can we kill God, but we can cover up the evidence of it as well. Is there nothing we are not capable of?

dale

[AnywherebutHere]

I personally do not enjoy missing words to create an era, like the first sentence needs a "the" and the last sentence, does not sit well, "Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here." it isn't clear to me.

[alatos]

I think this is really solid. great rhythm and the rhyming doesn't come off as forced. I do feel like the overall imagery is kinda weak, but I doubt you were really trying to stress that aspect of it.

[Nbafan]

Short little verse borrowing influence heavily from Nietzsche's Parable of the Madman. Hope you enjoy


That daytime rebel holding lantern bright
Is not so mad as first he may appear.
The hidden Future still could prove him right,
Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here.

I like this a lot. Good flow and sound and interesting. But it definitely is a lot of 'telling' and using a bit more description and imagery might help.

[Erthona]

I agree with ABH the last sentence is awkward.

"Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here."

maybe "God is Dead and nothing but Chance is here."

[ChristopherSea]

'nought but' is a bit awkward and archaic. 'is here' comes off silly and contrived for the rhyme. Perhaps you could work at pairing 'god is dead' with 'chance survives' into your closing.

[rowens]

That daytime rebel holding lantern bright
Is not so mad as first he may appear.
The hidden Future still could prove him right,
Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here.



The word 'hidden' feels like the weakest word in the poem. The two middle lines feel like the weakest lines, at least in the way they're worded. It could do with some more stanzas. The so-called archaic style isn't a problem.

[Willpark]

That daytime rebel holding lantern bright
Is not so mad as first he may appear. why not "as he may first appear"
The hidden Future still could prove him right,
Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here.

The second line reads very unnaturally for me. It feels out of tempo with the first line, so consider rewording/rephrasing it. I feel like the first line could use some tweaking as well, mainly with its flow Other than that, I really like the idea and the last two lines flow pretty nicely.

[RiverNotch]

'nought but' is a bit awkward and archaic. 'is here' comes off silly and contrived for the rhyme. Perhaps you could work at pairing 'god is dead' with 'chance survives' into your closing.

I think the antiquity of the statement is wonderful, actually: a splash of irony against the future-looking line before it. The poem doesn't need any changing, or any additions: it has a good rhythm and the word choice is strong, plus the terseness makes it all the more forceful in presenting its point. What it needs is a reply.

[ChristopherSea]

'nought but' is a bit awkward and archaic. 'is here' comes off silly and contrived for the rhyme. Perhaps you could work at pairing 'god is dead' with 'chance survives' into your closing.

I think the antiquity of the statement is wonderful, actually: a splash of irony against the future-looking line before it. The poem doesn't need any changing, or any additions: it has a good rhythm and the word choice is strong, plus the terseness makes it all the more forceful in presenting its point. What it needs is a reply.

How about critiquing the poem and not the critiques RiverRot.

[RiverNotch]

'nought but' is a bit awkward and archaic. 'is here' comes off silly and contrived for the rhyme. Perhaps you could work at pairing 'god is dead' with 'chance survives' into your closing.

I think the antiquity of the statement is wonderful, actually: a splash of irony against the future-looking line before it. The poem doesn't need any changing, or any additions: it has a good rhythm and the word choice is strong, plus the terseness makes it all the more forceful in presenting its point. What it needs is a reply.

How about critiquing the poem and not the critiques RiverRot.

Doesn't that part somewhat count as a critique of the poem? Like an alternate interpretation of the poem's wording or something?

[milo]

I think the antiquity of the statement is wonderful, actually: a splash of irony against the future-looking line before it. The poem doesn't need any changing, or any additions: it has a good rhythm and the word choice is strong, plus the terseness makes it all the more forceful in presenting its point. What it needs is a reply.

How about critiquing the poem and not the critiques RiverRot.

Doesn't that part somewhat count as a critique of the poem? Like an alternate interpretation of the poem's wording or something?

No it does not. If you read the forum rules you will see where it says that all posts in the critical forums should focus on the original post - the poem. From time to time a discussion may arise about specific techniques but these should take place in the discussion forums so as not to distract from the poem.

/ mod

[RiverNotch]

Note acknowledged.

[ChristopherSea]

How about critiquing the poem and not the critiques RiverRot.

Doesn't that part somewhat count as a critique of the poem? Like an alternate interpretation of the poem's wording or something?

No it does not. If you read the forum rules you will see where it says that all posts in the critical forums should focus on the original post - the poem. From time to time a discussion may arise about specific techniques but these should take place in the discussion forums so as not to distract from the poem.

/ mod

It is OK to give alternative advice on a poem. We are not all of one voice here. However, to quote another's recommendation and critique their advice is rather rude and arrogant. In fact, we call it 'bt-rude-o-ing someone', named after it's founder.