Crack the rosy dawn with curses; curdled cream swings udders full
and veined to burst. He whistles up his sun-crazed collie,
bark the dog
bark the day
bark away.
Greened up beaded scented miles, sods cling clumped on ten ton boots,
agape around his crusted uppers, flapping, slapping, stepping, morn.
stomp the land
stomp the clay
stomp away.
Whistling up the wound meander; swirled as wind shift, moored to ground
by patched and puddled silver rivets, nailed by gnarled and leant, bent trees.
slap the fly
slap the calf
slap away.
Rough as ash-bark wooden fingers, tease the frayed twine knots from wire,
hard hoist the hinge's slackened sockets, dry as rust on iron pins.
swing the gate
swing the teats
swing away.
Harboured, held by hauling sucklers, frothed in glass the moon-dropped milk
birls to rage against the vacuum; dog done driving drops to down.
calls the cock
call the hour
call away.
tectak
2014

Tactic,

I thought this excellent. Roll over Elegies in Country Church-yard, roll over Clare: a new Country poet is born! It is remarkable that a very great proportion of the words used, derive from Anglo-Saxon. Where they have Latin roots, they are of that class which spent a long time gestating in Old French and Norman French, so that they seem to join easily with our good old earthy Saxon.

It is alliterative; and it is verse; but I hesitate to go so far as to draw the logical conclusion, that it is alliterative verse, without the imprimatur of Mr Milo.

The anaphora sounds well to me, and quite natural. When I came to the first 'away', I instinctively felt that there should be another 'away' following - but that would be me, not you. In the 'Whistling' line, my ear wanted the punctuation to be tinkered with, so that a semi-colon would follow 'meander' with the comma following 'shift' (bugger meaning).

E

(03-25-2014, 06:04 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Tactic,

I thought this excellent. Roll over Elegies in Country Church-yard, roll over Clare: a new Country poet is born! It is remarkable that a very great proportion of the words used, derive from Anglo-Saxon. Where they have Latin roots, they are of that class which spent a long time gestating in Old French and Norman French, so that they seem to join easily with our good old earthy Saxon.

It is alliterative; and it is verse; but I hesitate to go so far as to draw the logical conclusion, that it is alliterative verse, without the imprimatur of Mr Milo.

The anaphora sounds well to me, and quite natural. When I came to the first 'away', I instinctively felt that there should be another 'away' following - but that would be me, not you. In the 'Whistling' line, my ear wanted the punctuation to be tinkered with, so that a semi-colon would follow 'meander' with the comma following 'shift' (bugger meaning).

E

Abu, thank you....and you are absolutely correct on the semi-colon. A great catch. I am grateful. The anaphoric tendency is just that. I know it is old hat, Dickensian even, but without the punctuation I would normally insist upon, it is the nearest I get to risque these days
Best,
tictok

this is like deja vu. i liked it then i liked it now

(03-25-2014, 06:46 PM)billy Wrote:  this is like deja vu. i liked it then i liked it now

There are subtle differences.That is why you cannot see them
Best,
tectak

"Elegies in Country Church-yard" Well both writer's names start with Tom, so it must be so!

Not even the crack of dawn is safe with you Tom, are you sure it's "udders veined to burst"? or is that in an utter vain?

Well it does have the break in the line like alliterative verse, or maybe that's a typo?

To me some of the longer line read awkwardly S1L1-2, and S4 L1-2.

And really Tom "polyester". And what does "tease the polyester knots from wire"
"puddled silver rivets, nailed by gnarled and leant" I didn't know rivets were nailed, I could have sworn they were riveted.

And when you say, " nailed by gnarled and leant, bent trees." do you mean they were nailed nearby leant, bent trees, or did these arthritic trees do the nailing themselves?

I do like this stanza, or whatever you call them:

"Greened up beaded scented miles, sods cling clumped on ten ton boots,
agape around his crusted uppers, flapping, slapping, stepping, morn.
stomp the land
stomp the clay
stomp away."

Not only does it read fairly smoothly, but it paints a clear picture of walking through mud, and almost gives it a mythic feel.

So this is a mixed bag for me, but maybe I'm to dense ti understand what it is you are doing here.

Dale

(03-26-2014, 11:57 AM)Erthona Wrote:  "Elegies in Country Church-yard" Well both writer's names start with Tom, so it must be so!

Not even the crack of dawn is safe with you Tom, are you sure it's "udders veined to burst"? or is that in an utter vain?

Well it does have the break in the line like alliterative verse, or maybe that's a typo?

To me some of the longer line read awkwardly S1L1-2, and S4 L1-2.

And really Tom "polyester". And what does "tease the polyester knots from wire"It is a brit thing. Farmers tie gates shut with frayed and knotted polyester twine, usually bright dayglo orange. After a number of tying and untying events the bloody knots become the twine and so rather than try to unravel the stuff or replace it the next step is to start hooking it into the barbed wire ubiquitously used to fence in everything, including grass, wheat, potatoes, rape, linseed etc. Opening gates becomes a artform and finding new ways to secure them again is likewise considered.
"puddled silver rivets, nailed by gnarled and leant" I didn't know rivets were nailed, I could have sworn they were riveted. The track is long and uneven. In the low dawn sun puddles appeared to be rivets holding it down. At the sides, or edge of the track vestiges of blackthorn delineate the route...they are sparse, wind bent and have been subjected to coarse pruning...a unique agricultural term which involves thrashing the tops off with a cylinder full of whirling chains. The "shrubbed" trees looked like bent nails from a mile away. That is all. I don't do obscure...just unclear.

And when you say, " nailed by gnarled and leant, bent trees." do you mean they were nailed nearby leant, bent trees, or did these arthritic trees do the nailing themselves?

I do like this stanza, or whatever you call them:

"Greened up beaded scented miles, sods cling clumped on ten ton boots,
agape around his crusted uppers, flapping, slapping, stepping, morn.
stomp the land
stomp the clay
stomp away."

Not only does it read fairly smoothly, but it paints a clear picture of walking through mud, and almost gives it a mythic feel.

So this is a mixed bag for me, but maybe I'm to dense ti understand what it is you are doing here.

Dale

Thanks Dale. I will tinker with this. I am told by a friend to rename it "Safe as m
Milk" but I will let you enjoy googling why. It is though, for me, a plausible denial of "stylecopyingplagiarism".
Best,
tectak

Through the Window Light. Edit 1Chris,abu
Crack the rosy dawn with curses; curdled cream swings udders full
and veined to burst. He whistles up his sun-crazed collie,
bark the dog
bark the day
bark away.
Greened up beaded scented miles, sods cling clumped on ten ton boots,
agape around his crusted uppers, flapping, slapping, stepping, morn.
stomp the land
stomp the clay
stomp away.
Whistling up the wound meander; swirled as wind shift, moored to ground
by patched and puddled silver rivets, nailed by gnarled and leant, bent trees.
slap the fly
slap the calf
slap away.
Rough as ash bark wooden fingers tease the polyester knots from wire,
hard hoist the hinge's slackened sockets, dry as rust on iron pins.
swing the gate
swing the teats
swing away.
Harboured, held by hauling sucklers, frothed in glass the moon-dropped milk
birls to rage against the vacuum; dog done driving drops to down.-----------------------ground?
calls the cock
call the hour
call away.
tectak
2014

Hey, when you are so far behind the best, even nitpicking becomes an effort.

But You do paint a picture Norman Rockwell would appreciate.

(04-08-2014, 03:22 AM)Thoughtjotter Wrote:  Through the Window Light. Edit 1Chris,abu
Crack the rosy dawn with curses; curdled cream swings udders full
and veined to burst. He whistles up his sun-crazed collie,
bark the dog
bark the day
bark away.
Greened up beaded scented miles, sods cling clumped on ten ton boots,
agape around his crusted uppers, flapping, slapping, stepping, morn.
stomp the land
stomp the clay
stomp away.
Whistling up the wound meander; swirled as wind shift, moored to ground
by patched and puddled silver rivets, nailed by gnarled and leant, bent trees.
slap the fly
slap the calf
slap away.
Rough as ash bark wooden fingers tease the polyester knots from wire,
hard hoist the hinge's slackened sockets, dry as rust on iron pins.
swing the gate
swing the teats
swing away.
Harboured, held by hauling sucklers, frothed in glass the moon-dropped milk
birls to rage against the vacuum; dog done driving drops to down.-----------------------ground?
calls the cock
call the hour
call away.
tectak
2014

Hey, when you are so far behind the best, even nitpicking becomes an effort.

But You do paint a picture Norman Rockwell would appreciate.

[b] Er, thanks for your comment, I think, but it is not valid critique, even if I understood it No. Down.As in "Down boy" Woof.
Best,