Charybdis and Scylla (1st edit)

[Erthona]

.

The universe revolved, and there was I,
until fate with its unknowable touch,
mercifully trod on my grand plan:
gouged my chest, beat out my eyes.
Using my own convictions to break me:
small minute fractures, one line per each self-lie,
the final bone splintered, the fault did crack in me,
crucifying my psyche upon a destitute tree.

A bonsai changeling, quiescent succubae:
green-eyed blonde, long, lithe, and wan,
a user of people, an abuser of drugs,
seducer from the pietistic way.
A match from Abaddon, a manifested pairing:
Narsissa-Lothario, Lilith and Adam.
A token of ruin, breach birth of decay:
self-serving illness claiming truth was passé.

There were many within her. "We're legion," it said,
A faceted-faced female, her persona long bled,
”We deceive to survive; we're servile to deceive.”
Substantiated-absorption, "Through the dead we live."
Those demon owned eyes perceived only pain
they left nothing of her, what there was, was insane.
A rabbit hole transport, to a myopic worldview,
for her eyes alone its topology cued.

Extant manipulatable objectified, commonality,
A sociopathic, depersonalized, anti-person personality.
A pleasure compass, a sensual schismatized abacus,
each pathogenic inconsonance was a face of this succubus:
sharing its sickness under the façade of love.
Evil cannot exist, without accomplice:
nor subsist, if lies be bound and the truth be told,
as it is below the same on earth, the truth will hold.

Even so, universal law will not salvation toss
a line to one without eyes to see, or a mind at such loss.

-just so then-

The truth!
Only her self-absorbed suicide did free me:
paid for with fresh, fleshy rows multiplied,
both limbs, the right and the left, punched my ticket to ride.
For luck, she also sliced deep: the middle of her emaciated chest.
Thus broke my will’s final resistance: blood paid freedom’s cost,
Hell's gain, was mine, I never had her, to count her as lost!



–Erthona

_______________________________________________________________
Original

[tectak]

.
Though I liked this the first time round I findmyself between a rock and a hard place...to recrit and repeat myself inaccurately or to leave it to others and risk your pique. On balance I think I will risk another ball at the coconut.
The universe revolved, and there was I,
until fate with its unknowable touch, No comma. Call this (1)
mercifully trod on my grand plan:unmercifully or me no get it
gouged my chest, beat out my eyes. Stop larking about. beatchestgougedeyes
Using my own convictions to break me: A rare dash opportunity.Drop the colon
small minute fractures, one line per each self-lie, dash to start and end this line
the final bone splintered, the fault did crack in me,
crucifying my psyche upon a destitute tree.Love it. Even the did

A bonsai changeling, quiescent succubae:semicolon
green-eyed blonde, long, lithe, and wan, a green eyed blonde dash long ,lithe (1) and wan dash
a user of people, an abuser of drugs,
seducer from the pietistic way.
A match from Abaddon, a manifested pairing: as previous
Narsissa-Lothario, Lilith and Adam.
A token of ruin, breach birth of decay:
self-serving illness claiming truth was passé. love it

There were many within her. "We're legend," it said, bugger off...you know why
A faceted-faced female, her persona long bled,
”We deceive to survive; we're servile to deceive.” awk'ard contrivance not worth the effort
Substantiated-absorption, "Through the dead we live."
Those demon owned eyes perceived only pain Period
they left nothing of her, what there was, was insane. ...there was (1) was insane
A rabbit hole transport, to a myopic worldview, drop 2nd a
for her eyes alone its topology cued. Love it

Extant manipulatable objectified, commonality, burble diahorrea. Awful
A sociopathic, depersonalized, anti-person personality.
A pleasure compass, a sensual schismatized abacus,
each pathogenic inconsonance was a face of this succubus:
sharing its sickness under the façade of love.
Evil cannot exist, without accomplice:
nor subsist, if lies be bound and the truth be told, (1)
as it is below the same on earth, the truth will hold. comma after below. Punctuation here is log-jammed. Birl

Even so, universal law will not salvation toss
a line to one without eyes to see, or a mind at such loss. very confused. You need sleep

-just so then-

The truth!
Only her self-absorbed suicide did free me:
paid for with fresh, fleshy rows multiplied,
both limbs, the right and the left, punched my ticket to ride.
For luck, she also sliced deep: the middle of her emaciated chest.
Thus broke my will’s final resistance: blood paid freedom’s cost,
Hell's gain, was mine, I never had her, to count her as lost! Hell's gain (1) was mine. I never had her(1) to count her as lost.

So there.
Best,
tectak

–Erthona

_______________________________________________________________
Original

[Erthona]

Thanks, I will take all advice on punctuation.

"Extant manipulatable objectified, commonality, burble diahorrea. Awful
A sociopathic, depersonalized, anti-person personality."

What have you never heard Gilbert and Sullivan? Your just jealous, those are two great lines.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"mercifully trod on my grand plan:unmercifully or me no get it"

My (speaker) plan was not so grand, see involvement with demon-chick, involvement was plan. Fate, if you will was merciful to end plan, before it ended me.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There were many within her. "We're legend," it said, bugger off...you know why"

I am assuming you disapprove of the textual reference, as you have contempt for the source text? Sorry, can't write poetry with everyone personal prejudice in mind. Sorry, will try and remember what you like and don't the next time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"a line to one without eyes to see, or a mind at such loss. very confused. You need sleep"

Read: Fate will not waste it's time on an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom,

Thanks for the crit, very helpful on punctuation (I at one time had removed them, and they snuck back in. No actually, this is a composite of several, and the punctuation correction somehow didn't make the journey. I will apply verbatim, especially as this is one of your stronger points and probably my weakest. Just something about commas, I don't want them to fill lonely and so I put lots in so they will have company. I have no other explanation. I appreciate your effort on this, it is neither short, nor an easy poem to navigate and I realize the effort it takes.



Dale

[tectak]

Thanks, I will take all advice on punctuation.

"Extant manipulatable objectified, commonality, burble diahorrea. Awful
A sociopathic, depersonalized, anti-person personality."

What have you never heard Gilbert and Sullivan? Your just jealous, those are two great lines.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"mercifully trod on my grand plan:unmercifully or me no get it"

My (speaker) plan was not so grand, see involvement with demon-chick, involvement was plan. Fate, if you will was merciful to end plan, before it ended me.
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There were many within her. "We're legend," it said, bugger off...you know why"

I am assuming you disapprove of the textual reference, as you have contempt for the source text? Sorry, can't write poetry with everyone personal prejudice in mind. Sorry, will try and remember what you like and don't the next time. legion, it said, we're legion. Legend...what?In your own lunchtime?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

"a line to one without eyes to see, or a mind at such loss. very confused. You need sleep"

Read: Fate will not waste it's time on an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom,

Thanks for the crit, very helpful on punctuation (I at one time had removed them, and they snuck back in. No actually, this is a composite of several, and the punctuation correction somehow didn't make the journey. I will apply verbatim, especially as this is one of your stronger points and probably my weakest. Just something about commas, I don't want them to fill lonely and so I put lots in so they will have company. I have no other explanation. I appreciate your effort on this, it is neither short, nor an easy poem to navigate and I realize the effort it takes.



Dale

[b] Hi dale, yes...it is a cerebral workout but it has layers like an onion but no tears..An enjoyable romp unusually worth more by the metre (or foot). I normally assume that anything more than a page but less than a book is best left well alone until evaporation has occured. This is just outside the limits. I would still have another crack at it, though, if it were shorter by a head. ( The Grand National.is on the hotel TV).
Best,
tectak.

[Erthona]

Tom,

Sorry your right about the spelling, I don't know how I missed that I used to read the "Legion of Super Heroes" religiously.

"This is just outside the limits. I would still have another crack at it, though, if it were shorter by a head."

I don't know why people never like this one, I'm quite Fonda it, and you can easily read it in the time it takes to take a shit, well at least after your thirty, and most people below thirty wouldn't have a clue regardless so that doesn't matter. Of course cutting out 5% of your audience isn't the best thing, but sometimes you just have to make choices. It seems most people I let read it in person start rubbing their head in about thirty seconds, and then hand it back to me. If I ask them what they thought of it, they usually say, "it's not for me". I guess that means it's not popular. Do you know how I can make this more popular?

"I would still have another crack at it, though, if it were shorter by a head."

Well If I took off a stanza that would about do it. which one do you think I should remove. I could take off this one as it really doesn't say anything anyhow:

"Extant manipulatable objectified, commonality,
A sociopathic, depersonalized, anti-person personality.
A pleasure compass, a sensual schismatized abacus,
each pathogenic inconsonance was a face of this succubus:
sharing its sickness under the façade of love.
Evil cannot exist, without accomplice:
nor subsist, if lies be bound and the truth be told,
as it is below the same on earth, the truth will hold."

dale

[tectak]

Tom,

Sorry your right about the spelling, I don't know how I missed that I used to read the "Legion of Super Heroes" religiously.

"This is just outside the limits. I would still have another crack at it, though, if it were shorter by a head."

I don't know why people never like this one, I'm quite Fonda it, and you can easily read it in the time it takes to take a shit, well at least after your thirty, and most people below thirty wouldn't have a clue regardless so that doesn't matter. Of course cutting out 5% of your audience isn't the best thing, but sometimes you just have to make choices. It seems most people I let read it in person start rubbing their head in about thirty seconds, and then hand it back to me. If I ask them what they thought of it, they usually say, "it's not for me". I guess that means it's not popular. Do you know how I can make this more popular?

"I would still have another crack at it, though, if it were shorter by a head."

Well If I took off a stanza that would about do it. which one do you think I should remove. I could take off this one as it really doesn't say anything anyhow:

"Extant manipulatable objectified, commonality,
A sociopathic, depersonalized, anti-person personality.
A pleasure compass, a sensual schismatized abacus,
each pathogenic inconsonance was a face of this succubus:
sharing its sickness under the façade of love.
Evil cannot exist, without accomplice:
nor subsist, if lies be bound and the truth be told,
as it is below the same on earth, the truth will hold."

dale

Yep, that's the stanza but I do like the "succubus" inclusion, and what follows on from it, in the next lines. You have the makings of a "tandem triumphans" and it would make the final furlong to the finish a mile long to omit it (a fucked up metaphor); especially as I am fairly sure that the "face" of the succubus is never seen except, fancifully, in the dream. Am I wrong on this point?
As for making it more popular take one or both if my suggestions.
1) Only read it to pretentious prats or
2) make more, literally, of the "rock and hard place" metaphor by exemplifying the exquisite choice in every stanza. Clearly.

Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Well if you read it correctly you see that face is a metaphor and is in fact plural.

"each pathogenic inconsonance was a face of this succubus"

so "each" "was a face". This also references, or reiterates the line:

"faceted-faced female"

Overall a metaphor for a person of multiple persona, but each was false, there was no true persona left (true here being original).

"her persona long bled"
____________________________________________________________
"the "face" of the succubus is never seen except, fancifully, in the dream. Am I wrong on this point?"

Well that depends on ones interpretation. If you interpret a succubus as an excuse for nocturnal emissions, then no, because they don't exist. If they exist then of course you see their face, how else would you be seduced, unless of course you assume that they sneak in and go right to sucking on your dick...still that sounds more creepy than erotic, of course some people set a lower bar than others, and some set no bar at all. "Oh good they're serving sheep!"


Dale