final version

What the Cats Know

Only the night
and occasional cat
see me naked,
sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the rain.

I’m capable of baring all
in the sunlight,
revealing that one testicle
hangs lower;
letting it be known that an alien
worm clings to my skin and taunts
where my appendix used to be.
I could expose that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

Buried beneath my clothing
hide those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets.
Scars gossip
of my journey.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses bathe,
dwell the murmurs
of how I feel for you.

My layers are transparent
at night
and I become a glass artichoke.

Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.



Ella/Todd/tectak/milo edit 4/version 3.5 Thank you my fellow poets!

------------------------------------------------
What the Cats Know

Ella/Todd/tectak edit 3/version 3

Only the night
and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the cathartic rain.

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight,
revealing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other;
letting it be known
that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
where my appendix used to be.
I could expose that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

Buried beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets.
Scars gossip of my journey
and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses bathe,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

My layers are transparent
at night
and I become a glass artichoke.
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.



Ella/Todd/tectak edit 3/version 3 Thanks my fellow poets!
----------------------------------------------
What the Cats Know

Ella/Todd edit 1/version 2.0

Only the night
and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
while sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the purging rain.

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight;
disclosing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other;
letting it be known
that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
of where my appendix used to be.
I could divulge that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

Beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets;
my journey and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses lie bare,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

My layers are transparent
at night
and I become a glass artichoke.
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.



Ella/Todd edit 1/version 2.0 Thanks fellow poets
----------------------------------------
In daylight,
I am perpetually cloaked
in fabric, leather and white lab-coat;
over-fettered by words and monthly reports.
Only the night and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
while sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the purging rain.

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight;
disclosing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other
or let it be known that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
of where my appendix used to be.
I could divulge that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

Beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets;
my journey and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses lie bare,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

My layers are transparent
at night
as I become a glass artichoke.

Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.

Good Morning, I really enjoyed this, so much so well done.
Just a first read, a few notes.

(10-18-2013, 07:20 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  In daylight,
I am perpetually cloaked
in fabric, leather and white lab-coat; I like the leather vs lab coat, not a fan of the hyphen
over-fettered by words and monthly reports. over-fettered stuck, do you need over?
Only the night and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable, do you need vulnerable?
while sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck I know the or implies two different scenarios, but do you need it?
in the purging rain.

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight;
disclosing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other
or let it be known that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
of where my appendix used to be.
I could divulge that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs love this whole part, only this line seem a little off, fishnet of?
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

Beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets; love this
my journey and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses lie bare,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you. and here all this great stuff becomes about something

My layers are transparent
at night
as I become a glass artichoke.
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery. I'm not sure this ending is strong enough, you've already lost all mystery

Thanks so much for posting this, great read.

Thanks Ella for the detailed reading and critique! This kind of free verse is pretty subjective, so all suggestions are valid depending on how the read goes. The lab coat goes with the job, but the hyphen can go and perhaps the over-. Yes, I lost all mystery before the moon, but none before the sun, which is the thesis herein. Much obliged for your time and I shall credit you in the next edit. Cheers/Chris

Hi Chris, this one was a surprise. There were some elements here that I really enjoyed. Comments below:

(10-18-2013, 07:20 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  In daylight,
I am perpetually cloaked
in fabric, leather and white lab-coat;--I know you are allowed to do this but maybe comma after leather for clarity.
over-fettered by words and monthly reports.--I think you can cut over

--Okay, now to diverge from what I said earlier. I think this poem needs to get to the good stuff sooner, and build more quickly. I would consider starting the poem with this next line. I realize we're contrasting with the clothing later, but I truthfully think it doesn't matter as much as picking up the pace.
Only the night and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
while sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the purging rain.--From the cat to here, it feels very tight and quick. I like the details that show the hidden person. I like the cat, the recycle bins.

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight;--This claim feels a little strong. If so, than why hasn't the speaker. I don't mind the phrasing, but it feels like the statement needs to be more: I could bare it all in the bright sunlight
disclosing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other
or let it be known that an alien worm--This is very cool after the testical lines.
clings to my skin and taunts
of where my appendix used to be.
I could divulge that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.--All of this is excellent, and a fun example of what the cat knows. There's a perverse part of me that might title this: What the Cat Already Knows

Beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets;--Love that phrasing
my journey and unspoken history.--And how you build on it
Deeper still, where axons amass --And shift from body to mind
and synapses lie bare,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.--Nice change up from the physical to the emotional. No nits from me in this strophe. Smooth.

My layers are transparent
at night
as I become a glass artichoke.--I might move from simile to metaphor and kill the as. Such a strange yet appropriate image. It is one of my favorite in the poem for its oddness. It feels like the right choice though.
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.--I think the ending was strong.

After going through these comments again, I'm more than convinced that you can cut the opening. That is your choice and call of course. Great poem Chris!

Best,

Todd

Todd, you are one of the best! I agree about either inverting that first stanza or clipping it, either way beginning with the cat. The over is out, as Ella felt the same about it. Yea, the testicles may be testy, but I went with them and the scar to shoot for raw reveal. I wanted to stand clear of the cliche onion and went artichoke. Thanks again for the insights./Chris

Edited poem is up: Ella/Todd edit 1/version 2.0; Thanks guys!

Well Chris, you know my thoughts. We'll see what other critiquers think.

(10-18-2013, 10:20 PM)Todd Wrote:  Well Chris, you know my thoughts. We'll see what other critiquers think.

Always grateful for your keen eye and input Todd!

(10-18-2013, 07:20 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  What the Cats Know

Ella/Todd edit 1/version 2.0

Only the night
and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
while sneaking out to the recycle bin The "while" can go. It is implied simultaneity
or standing on my deck
in the purging rain. I have mixed feelings about "purging" IN THIS CONTEXT. It seems to me that "purgatives" are to be taken by mouth, not externally. It works, but is not the bon mot. Even "cleansing" or "blessed" would do it for me. Your poem

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight;
disclosing that one testicle revealing not disclosing. Sight not sound. Moot.
hangs lower than the other; If you have to cascade semi-colons you need several bloody good reasons. Two is one short of a list...not enough reason. Comma after "sunlight".
letting it be known
that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
of where my appendix used to be. "...taunts of where" is convoluted. You could just scrape in if you left out the "of" or substituted "me".
I could divulge that blue veins If that "disclose" is still in the building you could it here. Nothing wrong with divulge except that it is usually used to admit to a suspicion already held. As in:
"At last, he divulged the truth...we had suspected as much all along"
Against: "The disclosure was dynamite...it took us all by surprise". Only you know which!
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise. Nice...sadly

Beneath clothing hides I can't help it. I want this line to read
" Buried beneath clothing,
hide the furtive moles."
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets;
my journey and unspoken history. I don't get this...and I have really tried. You are mixing way too many metaphors. Moles, ink, travel and history in one sentence is just too much.
Deeper still, where axons amass Whoops! Because you connect to L1 so tenaciously I am still buried "deeper still" beneath clothing...yet I am now in your head. Some hat.
and synapses lie bare, This is strictly for googlers...where they will be distressed to discover that to "lie bare" is not a known characteristic of synapses. Find some other way of saying whatever you are trying to say. I am allowing myself to be confused. My synapses are firing low.
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

My layers are transparent
at night
and I become a glass artichoke. ...begging the all important question....Globe or Jerusalem?
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery....and I'm a crystal banana. Save this for another poem. It is a useless appendage to an otherwise worthy concept. I think you were running out of semantic steam and stuck this stanza on to limp into the station.

Overall, the concept never reached its birth weight...but it was a beautiful baby. You were too taken with the joy of creation that you forgot to feed regularly. End of metaphor. This is worth reviving.
Best,
tectak



Ella/Todd edit 1/version 2.0 Thanks fellow poets
----------------------------------------
In daylight,
I am perpetually cloaked
in fabric, leather and white lab-coat;
over-fettered by words and monthly reports.
Only the night and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
while sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the purging rain.

I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight;
disclosing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other
or let it be known that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
of where my appendix used to be.
I could divulge that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

Beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,
the splattered ink of secrets;
my journey and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses lie bare,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

My layers are transparent
at night
as I become a glass artichoke.

Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.

Thanks much Tom for the thorough read and recommendations. Most of those minor knots are easily untangled and I agree with the majority of them. I did have 'scars' before 'my journey and unspoken history', Perhaps, I'll put a stop in and add them back for clarity. Synapses do lie bare, as they are open junctions that prevent conduction of nerve impulse, muscle contraction, etc., unless a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) bridges the gap. The line serves as a metaphor for revealing it all, down to the microscopic level and biochemical level. I thought of glass banana, (((NOT))), but it did not have enough layers to peel back. It is difficult to convey very personal confession in poetry to others, which is the precise thesis herein. As always, your expertise is always appreciated!

quote='ChristopherSea' pid='144664' dateline='1382349715']
Thanks much Tom for the thorough read and recommendations. Most of those minor knots are easily untangled and I agree with the majority of them. I did have 'scars' before 'my journey and unspoken history', Perhaps, I'll put a stop in and add them back for clarity. Synapses do lie bare, as they are open junctions that prevent conduction of nerve impulse, muscle contraction, etc., unless a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) bridges the gap. Yes yes Chris. I know all that....but how is ANY of that "lying bare"?The line serves as a metaphor for revealing it all, down to the microscopic level and biochemical level. I thought of glass banana, (((NOT))), but it did not have enough layers to peel back. Ah...so Globe, then? It is difficult to convey very personal confession in poetry to others, which is the precise thesis herein. As always, your expertise is always appreciated!
[/quote]

(10-21-2013, 09:12 PM)tectak Wrote:  quote='ChristopherSea' pid='144664' dateline='1382349715']
Thanks much Tom for the thorough read and recommendations. Most of those minor knots are easily untangled and I agree with the majority of them. I did have 'scars' before 'my journey and unspoken history', Perhaps, I'll put a stop in and add them back for clarity. Synapses do lie bare, as they are open junctions that prevent conduction of nerve impulse, muscle contraction, etc., unless a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) bridges the gap. Yes yes Chris. I know all that....but how is ANY of that "lying bare"?The line serves as a metaphor for revealing it all, down to the microscopic level and biochemical level. I thought of glass banana, (((NOT))), but it did not have enough layers to peel back. Ah...so Globe, then? It is difficult to convey very personal confession in poetry to others, which is the precise thesis herein. As always, your expertise is always appreciated!

[/quote]

OK, I don't like it now. I'll go with 'synapses form' or 'synapses bathe'. Let me see.

Hey chris. Most of this is pretty good. I can see you have already successfully workshopped it and kudos to you. I only have 1 or 2 things.

(10-18-2013, 07:20 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  What the Cats Know

Ella/Todd/tectak edit 3/version 3

Only the night
and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the cathartic rain.

sometimes I think you lose confidence in your writing and explain within the poetry. This is all pretty good except for "vulnerable" and "cathartic". They are both just explaining what your narrative already show

Quote:I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight,
revealing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other;
letting it be known
that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
where my appendix used to be.
I could expose that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

fishnet my loins I pretty darn good. I don't think you need "than the other" or "bright" . Also, while your line breaks are fine throughout, they are a little staid. There are a couple spots where you could create some double meanings or build tension. Consider experimenting.

Quote:Buried beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,

There is something awkward in the way this is worded

Quote:the splattered ink of secrets.
Scars gossip of my journey
and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses bathe,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

I don't know that you need unspoken history at all as journey infers it but if you do, I suppose you avoided untold to avoid the cliche but you should just go with it, unspoken reads odd.

Quote:My layers are transparent
at night
and I become a glass artichoke.
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.

Glass artichoke is great. The rest looks pretty good to me, great job so far.

(10-21-2013, 11:36 PM)milo Wrote:  Hey chris. Most of this is pretty good. I can see you have already successfully workshopped it and kudos to you. I only have 1 or 2 things.

(10-18-2013, 07:20 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  What the Cats Know

Ella/Todd/tectak edit 3/version 3

Only the night
and occasional cat
see me naked and vulnerable,
sneaking out to the recycle bin
or standing on my deck
in the cathartic rain.

sometimes I think you lose confidence in your writing and explain within the poetry. This is all pretty good except for "vulnerable" and "cathartic". They are both just explaining what your narrative already show

Quote:I’m capable of baring all
in the bright sunlight,
revealing that one testicle
hangs lower than the other;
letting it be known
that an alien worm
clings to my skin and taunts
where my appendix used to be.
I could expose that blue veins
fishnet my loins and thighs
after making love
or vigorous exercise.

fishnet my loins I pretty darn good. I don't think you need "than the other" or "bright" . Also, while your line breaks are fine throughout, they are a little staid. There are a couple spots where you could create some double meanings or build tension. Consider experimenting.

Quote:Buried beneath clothing hides
those furtive moles,

There is something awkward in the way this is worded

Quote:the splattered ink of secrets.
Scars gossip of my journey
and unspoken history.
Deeper still, where axons amass
and synapses bathe,
dwell murmurs of how
I feel for you.

I don't know that you need unspoken history at all as journey infers it but if you do, I suppose you avoided untold to avoid the cliche but you should just go with it, unspoken reads odd.

Quote:My layers are transparent
at night
and I become a glass artichoke.
Before the moon,
I lose all mystery.

Glass artichoke is great. The rest looks pretty good to me, great job so far.

Thank you milo for taking a look and giving sage advice, as always. I believe that some over-explanation in poems results from responses to readers saying something is vague. We much use caution not to bastardize our work! Ella asked about vulnerable as well. My next edit shall try to incorporate your suggestions. I will strive for that brevity that you speak here and in my next post as it shall be a more minimalistic poem. Much obliged for your time and attention!