Boxes

[EmilyJune519]

I:
My lives are hidden under coats of paint,
baby pink covered by graffiti,
which was usurped by brown.
Photos and memories aren’t enough for me.
I hoard things like red, white, and blue
confetti from Al Gore’s speech,
receipts from In’n’Out, and leaves shaped like hearts.
In the far left of my closet,
a clear, unimaginative, sturdy box
holds plane tickets to Ireland
and letters from an ex’s mom.
Six years condensed into one box.
His stories about the wolves
and poems with titles like
“My Soul’s Heartbeat” and “My Better Tomorrow.”
I kissed him one morning,
ten hours after my mouth
was on another man’s cock.
Yet I still cried when I said
I’m not in love with you anymore,
and when I drove him
out of my life to the airport.
II:
In this same room,
with the brown walls and wood floors,
I’m trying to hold onto sand,
in love with a Teumessian Fox
who first held my hand on sidewalks
in Denver and played with my straightened
hair in line at Calvin Klein.
I bought two bras and four panties,
and I keep the pair he tore off
with our museum and movie stubs,
and the flowers he stopped the car
so I could run and grab
in a solid, stylish red box
purchased at a specialty store.
When he curls into me,
his head on my chest,
legs and arms wrapped around me
like a silk pashmina,
I feel like I’m cradling the world.
I want to go into his past
and hold him as a child
so he knows he’s rare and worthy and loved.

[Keith]

I consider it a privilege to look inside someone's box and we all have them, with you we get two for the price of one and then some, you have some delightful lines that get lost in lesser lines that don't add very much. My advice would be to take out what's not adding any value, think about sonic devices such as assonance and alliteration and try to build something into the lines. I have added some comments below, Cheers Keith

I:
My lives are hidden under coats of paint, solid opening I'm hooked but could be shorter with sonics (lives hide)
baby pink covered by graffiti,
which was usurped by brown. wordy, do you need which was ?
Photos and memories aren’t enough for me.
I hoard things like red, white, and blue
confetti from Al Gore’s speech,
receipts from In’n’Out, and leaves shaped like hearts. I don't know what In'n'out is could be dropped unless personal ?it would give sonic REceipts and LEaves
In the far left of my closet,
a clear, unimaginative, sturdy box
holds plane tickets to Ireland
and letters from an ex’s mom.
Six years condensed into one box.
His stories about the wolves
and poems with titles like
“My Soul’s Heartbeat” and “My Better Tomorrow.”
I kissed him one morning,
ten hours after my mouth
was on another man’s cock.
Yet I still cried when I said
I’m not in love with you anymore,
and when I drove him
out of my life to the airport. The previous 4 lines really need paring back. You lose the very good, stark image in obvious lines that don't tell me any more
II:
In this same room,
with the brown walls and wood floors,
I’m trying to hold onto sand, I would start here we know its the II box already
in love with a Teumessian Fox
who first held my hand on sidewalks
in Denver and played with my straightened
hair in line at Calvin Klein. Yeh for the assonance
I bought two bras and four panties,
and I keep the pair he tore off no need for and
with our museum and movie stubs, nice link from tore off to ticket stubs
and the flowers he stopped the car could car be cab to pick up the grab ?
so I could run and grab
in a solid, stylish red box
purchased at a specialty store. something feels off here could be the jump to him assuming hes not in the box you could split the stanza
When he curls into me,
his head on my chest,
legs and arms wrapped around me
like a silk pashmina,
I feel like I’m cradling the world.
I want to go into his past
and hold him as a child
so he knows he’s rare and worthy and loved. some great lines here that if cut back will really shine.

Very much enjoyed and I would really like to read the edit. Best Keith

[tectak]

Emily,
please read end note first.
tectak

I:
My lives are hidden under coats of paint,
baby pink covered by graffiti,
which was usurped by brown. "which was" is profligate. It makes you add a line. Just make L2 "baby pink covered by graffiti, usurped by brown". Less is more
Photos and memories aren’t enough for me.
I hoard things like red, white, and blue "Like" is superfluous and starts a silly simile. What is "like" red,white and blue? Orange,grey and turquoise? Leave out "like".
confetti from Al Gore’s speech,
receipts from In’n’Out, and leaves shaped like hearts. This "list" like all coma seperated lists, often benefits from the dropping of the closing "and". Its ommission creates a sense of open-ended pensiveness. Your poem.
In the far left of my closet,
a clear, unimaginative, sturdy box possibly over-modified. Unimaginative is a very big word to describe nothing at all.
holds plane tickets to Ireland A disconnect. In the far left of my closet...holds plane tickets.
"In the far left of my closet,
is a clear, plain, sturdy box,
holding plane tickets to Ireland..."
and letters from an ex’s mom.
Six years condensed into one box. box box
His stories about the wolves
and poems with titles like
“My Soul’s Heartbeat” and “My Better Tomorrow.”
I kissed him one morning,
ten hours after my mouth
was on another man’s cock.
Yet I still cried when I said
I’m not in love with you anymore,
and when I drove him
out of my life to the airport.
II:
In this same room,
with the brown walls and wood floors,
I’m trying to hold onto sand,
in love with a Teumessian Fox
who first held my hand on sidewalks
in Denver and played with my straightened
hair in line at Calvin Klein.
I bought two bras and four panties,
and I keep the pair he tore off
with our museum and movie stubs, tore off with our museum? I shot an elephant in my pyjamas
and the flowers he stopped the car Some punctuation after flowers, surely?
so I could run and grab
in a solid, stylish red box box box box
purchased at a specialty store.
When he curls into me,
his head on my chest,
legs and arms wrapped around me
like a silk pashmina,
I feel like I’m cradling the world.
I want to go into his past
and hold him as a child
so he knows he’s rare and worthy and loved.

Hi emily,
This is quite wonderful. Concept captivating. It seems almost blasphemous to tinker with it, but there are some nits. Nits. That's all.
I read the whole piece out loud, intending to do so several times, but the stumbles were there on a first read.
I want to be clear. A line by line is not justified...it is good enough. I do it because it is easier, that's all.
Very best,
tectak