Hey guys! I'm new here, and just looking for some honest feedback on my recently completed poem. I realize it is religious by nature, but it is unoffensive, I believe, and also has a flip-side, an element of the nonreligious. I hope this won't be a problem on this site. But like I said, any feedback would be very appreciated. This is one of my first poems though, so don't expect to much out of me. Again, this poem is meant to be unifying and peaceful in tone, so please don't be upset by any religious/nonreligious content. Here it is:



Briefly,
who knows how long… but briefly,
I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
as breathing stops, neurons rest, and thoughts go silent.

Ludicrous me:
plunged into inconceivable abyss…
eternity.

I’m a man undone, unbound.
Eternity: the end of time,
the end of physical illusion,
has absorbed me.

Transcending endless universes… and then?
Unknowable.

It must be my hope to find that First Source,
that Unmoved Mover,
the Grounds of all Existence:
the Everlasting.

My voiceless spirit cries out “Abba”
and is heard.

Joined with my Origin,
sorrows cease.

Or so I aspire,
but the unknown is endless.

I may fade into nothing, absolutely nothing.

In which case, I am dissolved into that first source,
that unmoved mover,
the very grounds of existence:
the everlasting.

I neither hear, nor can I be heard.

Joined with my origin,
sorrows cease.

So what can I fear of leaving this body?

For what it is, it feels fine to me.

Some parts could use a finer tuning, and some tightening up. But not really. It's good to have some looseness in a thing like this.

I really like the rhythm here. I actually took time to pause in between each stanza. IT makes me feel good to read this

I actually really enjoyed this poem and I am not religious in the slightest. It's really rather nice I think, especially for an early poem.

Thanks for the feedback guys! Rowens, could you be a bit more specific? You said it could use some tightening up, but not really. What exactly do you mean by that? Just a quick example could help me a lot.

a very enjoyable read... you chose an interesting concept and it was executed very well. I also feel it is important not to fear death, but rather ponder what happens afterwards.

you use too many intangibles. we don't care if it's religious, or not. at present while religion is apparent in the poem, little else is. the 1st stanza looked interesting then it got buried under words that really say the same thing and nothing. there's no depth no theme. just a question. where is god. i'm not sure that's enough in form put forward.

---

(08-05-2013, 07:20 AM)brandonalsip Wrote:  I actually really enjoyed this poem and I am not religious in the slightest. It's really rather nice I think, especially for an early poem.

why did you enjoy it? please give more than a stock reply

(08-05-2013, 05:53 PM)billy Wrote:  you use too many intangibles. we don't care if it's religious, or not. at present while religion is apparent in the poem, little else is. the 1st stanza looked interesting then it got buried under words that really say the same thing and nothing. there's no depth no theme. just a question. where is god. i'm not sure that's enough in form put forward.

---

(08-05-2013, 07:20 AM)brandonalsip Wrote:  I actually really enjoyed this poem and I am not religious in the slightest. It's really rather nice I think, especially for an early poem.

why did you enjoy it? please give more than a stock reply

Thanks for the input. I'm taking this pretty seriously as I really do want to become a better poet. When you say that the words say the same thing and nothing, could you give an example from the poem of what you're talking about? Also, the theme was not the question "where is God". This poem was meant to explore two common conceptions of death, and show how similar they may end up being in the end. Maybe I did a bad job of making this clear?

I actually liked this. There's some kind of intensity irradiating from the words you used.

(08-05-2013, 02:23 AM)alatos Wrote:  Hey guys! I'm new here, and just looking for some honest feedback on my recently completed poem. I realize it is religious by nature, but it is unoffensive, I believe, and also has a flip-side, an element of the nonreligious. I hope this won't be a problem on this site. But like I said, any feedback would be very appreciated. This is one of my first poems though, so don't expect to much out of me. Again, this poem is meant to be unifying and peaceful in tone, so please don't be upset by any religious/nonreligious content. Here it is:



Briefly,
who knows how long… but briefly,
I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
as breathing stops, neurons rest, and thoughts go silent.

Ludicrous me:
plunged into inconceivable abyss…
eternity.

I’m a man undone, unbound.
Eternity: the end of time,
the end of physical illusion,
has absorbed me.

Transcending endless universes… and then?
Unknowable.

It must be my hope to find that First Source,
that Unmoved Mover,
the Grounds of all Existence:
the Everlasting.

My voiceless spirit cries out “Abba”
and is heard.

Joined with my Origin,
sorrows cease.

Or so I aspire,
but the unknown is endless.

I may fade into nothing, absolutely nothing.

In which case, I am dissolved into that first source,
that unmoved mover,
the very grounds of existence:
the everlasting.

I neither hear, nor can I be heard.

Joined with my origin,
sorrows cease.

So what can I fear of leaving this body?

We're all made of stars! (moby version)

I'm sure you meant that to be comforting, it seemed like you were offering an olive branch (I've heard that's big in some circles) to an atheist.

Cheers for that.

p.s. the trouble with using the word abba is; I keep singing 'dancing queen' in my head and I hate that song.

(08-07-2013, 10:04 PM)ScurryFunger Wrote:  

(08-05-2013, 02:23 AM)alatos Wrote:  Hey guys! I'm new here, and just looking for some honest feedback on my recently completed poem. I realize it is religious by nature, but it is unoffensive, I believe, and also has a flip-side, an element of the nonreligious. I hope this won't be a problem on this site. But like I said, any feedback would be very appreciated. This is one of my first poems though, so don't expect to much out of me. Again, this poem is meant to be unifying and peaceful in tone, so please don't be upset by any religious/nonreligious content. Here it is:



Briefly,
who knows how long… but briefly,
I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
as breathing stops, neurons rest, and thoughts go silent.

Ludicrous me:
plunged into inconceivable abyss…
eternity.

I’m a man undone, unbound.
Eternity: the end of time,
the end of physical illusion,
has absorbed me.

Transcending endless universes… and then?
Unknowable.

It must be my hope to find that First Source,
that Unmoved Mover,
the Grounds of all Existence:
the Everlasting.

My voiceless spirit cries out “Abba”
and is heard.

Joined with my Origin,
sorrows cease.

Or so I aspire,
but the unknown is endless.

I may fade into nothing, absolutely nothing.

In which case, I am dissolved into that first source,
that unmoved mover,
the very grounds of existence:
the everlasting.

I neither hear, nor can I be heard.

Joined with my origin,
sorrows cease.

So what can I fear of leaving this body?

We're all made of stars! (moby version)

I'm sure you meant that to be comforting, it seemed like you were offering an olive branch (I've heard that's big in some circles) to an atheist.

Cheers for that.

p.s. the trouble with using the word abba is; I keep singing 'dancing queen' in my head and I hate that song.

Dancing Queen is pretty rough. In response to your "olive branch" comment, you're close. This poem was really written both as a personal response to some religious people who have neat and tidy ideas of exactly what death means, as well as to those who seem to shrug off the topic of death, and whatever comes after, as lame or not worth thinking about. It's intention was to show that maybe we don't have it all so figured out as we think we do, on either side. I mean this is as if one day many people would read this poem hahaha

Several people have read it, I'm one of them, drawing the crowds is probably over rated.


Several is quite daunting enough, surely

It seems like a model for something better. The poem makes sense, the ludicrous me that aspires for something they can think about but can't attain because they can't stop thinking and needing. Though they might attain it for all that.

So the poem has no errors and a looseness that's appropriate. It just lacks what it doesn't need. And that makes it work, though it remains forgettable.

That's a way of describing what I meant.

Quote:you use too many intangibles. we don't care if it's religious, or not. at present while religion is apparent in the poem, little else is. the 1st stanza looked interesting then it got buried under words that really say the same thing and nothing. there's no depth no theme. just a question. where is god. i'm not sure that's enough in form put forward.

---

Quote:Thanks for the input. I'm taking this pretty seriously as I really do want to become a better poet. When you say that the words say the same thing and nothing, could you give an example from the poem of what you're talking about? Also, the theme was not the question "where is God". This poem was meant to explore two common conceptions of death, and show how similar they may end up being in the end. Maybe I did a bad job of making this clear?

the poems feels to me to be asking is there something more or is this it. exploring a conception of something is a bit or a whole lot like asking a question. that you use the biblical (i knew it wasn't the band) Abba, i'm presuming it's god you're asking. there's a lot of words you don't need.

hope it helps


Briefly,
who knows how long… but briefly,
I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
as breathing stops, neurons rest, and thoughts go silent. you'll die, but this expands on that and does a pretty good job of it,

Ludicrous me:
plunged into inconceivable abyss… does this need [the] or before [inconceivable]
eternity. you're dead

I’m a man undone, unbound., a suggestion would be, [i'm a man unravelled] not sure unbound is needed as one or the other feels redundant
Eternity: the end of time, there is no end of time in eternity
the end of physical illusion, a good line
has absorbed me. you're still dead

Transcending endless universes… and then?
Unknowable. you're not sure if your dead

It must be my hope to find that First Source, god? i hope to find the source
that Unmoved Mover, god?
the Grounds of all Existence:god?
the Everlasting. you're hoping after you're dead? and again another reference to god

My voiceless spirit cries out “Abba” is this to the father or the band? if it's the father then it's god the father, which is where i get the questioning god from [voiceless] is pretty much a given so it would be [my spirit cries out]
and is heard.

Joined with my Origin,what origin?
sorrows cease. till this point there is no mention of sorrow

Or so I aspire, aspire to what, have one's sorrows cease?
but the unknown is endless. still saying the same thing

I may fade into nothing, absolutely nothing. absolutely nothing is nothing; say it again it reminds me of an edwin star song

In which case, I am dissolved into that first source, the first source again
that unmoved mover, the unmoved mover again
the very grounds of existence:the very grounds of existence:again
the everlasting. and we have a winner another again.

I neither hear, nor can I be heard.

Joined with my origin, what origin
sorrows cease.

So what can I fear of leaving this body?

(08-10-2013, 08:40 PM)wow1500 Wrote:  alatos. You say that you are trying to reconcile two common conceptions of death: the religious; we get to meet god after death, and the nonreligious; there is nothing after death, we just lose our consciousness. I see where you have attempted to do this:

I may fade into nothing, absolutely nothing.

In which case, I am dissolved into that first source,...

So if your speaker has faded into nothing, in which case you have dissolved (synonymous to faded) into that first source (the same as 'that unmoved mover', 'the very grounds of existence', 'the everlasting', 'abba', 'the origin' or simply, God), then you are really just saying God=nothing. And I'm not sure whether many religious nor nonreligious people would agree with this.

If you are not referring to God, then I don't see how you're dealing with the religious conception of death. If you are referring to God, then your 'unification' is just a product of poor logic.

Hope you found this post helpful.

-Rachel

This poem is supposed to present two different possibilities. I am not saying they are the same.

The first half of the poem is, I think quite obviously, referring to union with God, or some divine origin, in some way or another. This will mark the end of all suffering.

The second half is suggesting that, literally, we are dissolved into the universe. WE, as in our consciousness, is dead forever. But our physical bodies are surrendered back to their original source, the universe. As our consciousness is eliminated, so is our suffering. This is why the adjectives that originally were capitalized, signifying divinity, are now lower cased.

Both of these possibilities produce an end to suffering. That is how they are supposed to unify.

I am in no way suggesting that God is nothing. I truly don't believe that I used any flawed logic. I hope this made the poem a little clearer.

(08-12-2013, 01:11 PM)wow1500 Wrote:  

(08-12-2013, 04:40 AM)alatos Wrote:  Both of these possibilities produce an end to suffering. That is how they are supposed to unify.

I don't want to be annoying, but religion doesn't say death will end suffering. Hell?

Not all religions believe in hell.

It's not cool to title a piece 'Untitled'. Give it a title and get feedback on it (don't put Abba in it). You can write about whatever moves you, so don't apologize for it! I read this as more existential than religious anyway. There is no objection to describing something in multiple metaphors or images without restating things over and over. The result is a great deal of redundancy. The first two stanzas could be trimmed to a version of:

I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
and plunge into inconceivable abyss…

I do understand that you are creating internal dialog and drama with some repetition. However, there is too much. Abba came from a thesaurus. Folks are not trying to make fun of it, but it is hard to believe that this was your first choice. I would have closed with the first time you said, 'Joined with my Origin, sorrows cease.' Keep working on this with all of the input. You are very fortunate to get so much feedback!

(08-12-2013, 09:32 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  It's not cool to title a piece 'Untitled'. Give it a title and get feedback on it (don't put Abba in it). You can write about whatever moves you, so don't apologize for it! I read this as more existential than religious anyway. There is no objection to describing something in multiple metaphors or images without restating things over and over. The result is a great deal of redundancy. The first two stanzas could be trimmed to a version of:

I will take off these clothes of flesh and bone
and plunge into inconceivable abyss…

I do understand that you are creating internal dialog and drama with some repetition. However, there is too much. Abba came from a thesaurus. Folks are not trying to make fun of it, but it is hard to believe that this was your first choice. I would have closed with the first time you said, 'Joined with my Origin, sorrows cease.' Keep working on this with all of the input. You are very fortunate to get so much feedback!

Thanks! This was a very, very helpful critique! Abba actually was my first choice, trying to show a sense of intimacy with God.