Delete all Images. Edit 1. Hmmm.

[tectak]

I watched an old man taking pictures
mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention;
screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memory will last a lifetime?
Fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly,
turned his lens towards the sun;
there on the pavement danced a circle,
ring of brightness, dancing fun.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear?

The infant chased the dodging day glow
laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of recall,
rising joy of happier days.
Old man too late to capture memories,
child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding.
The game was over, brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second,
boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment,
and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013
Original.
I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear?

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013

[ray]

I prefer the shorter lines and the absence of ellipses.It's a nice poem, either way.
Think you need punctuation at the end of the opening line - a dash, preferably. Against the grain, but you may be right. Dashes (single) and I do not see eye to eye--but it's worth a try.

Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear? - who's crying and why? Child cries for attention...old man not crying. Old man distracts child who stops crying and old man cries over old memories. They swap a tear.

Is there a reason that the child precedes the man in verse 3? I'm all for symmetry. Not sure what this means. My fault. Help. In this piece I say "mem/rees"

You're playing fast and loose with the syllable count in memory/memories! Agreed.
Thanks for all. I will workshop a workaround. Credit.
Best,
tectak.

[serge gurkski]

Tom, bc that it is so heartfelt (and I like I guess everone else get you
() I have a Problem when I point out technical details
but I am very sure you can trust on Ray ( a fucking fine Poet). ;-)
cheers

serge (I killed the 'Tennessee Borbon be 4 it killed me! ;-)()

[ray]

In the opening 2 verses lines 1 and 2 concern the old man, lines 3 and 4 the child - or so I read it. In the 3rd verse the order is reversed. No big deal, just wondered why.
While I'm here, I noticed

there on the pavement danced a circle,
ring of brightness, dancing fun.

danced/dancing - a bit unimaginative?

[heslopian]

I watched an old man taking pictures Should a comma - or even better, a colon - go here?
mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention; This should be a colon, I think, as the next line lists the elements of this one.
screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes. Elegant rhyme of "skies" and "eyes".
Which memory will last a lifetime? Why would either last that long?
Fading photos, sobbing years? This implies that the child's hissy fit has lasted for years.

The old man stopped and smiled benignly, Is "benignly" needed?
turned his lens towards the sun;
there on the pavement danced a circle,
ring of brightness, dancing fun. Another very elegant rhyme. Also a great description of sunlight.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear? Swapped it with what?

The infant chased the dodging day glow Should this be "day-glo"? I doubt it, but that's what it feels like. If not, I'd recommend removing "day".
laughing at each twist and play; I really like "twist and play" in this context. It almost personifies the "glow".
in rheumy eyes a swell of recall,
rising joy of happier days. Nicely worded, moving couple of lines.
Old man too late to capture memories, Why? He's already been capturing memories with his camera, unless you mean that he's too old to remember happier times, but in that case where did the previous line's "rising joy" come from?
child too young to know that fear. What fear? The old man's forgetfulness, as conveyed by the previous line, seems more like a reality than a fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding. "Slipped sudden" is a touch corny.
The game was over, brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second,
boy and man, yet strangely one. Oddly effective slant rhyme of "gone" and "one". Also, I've just realised that the child and the old man are the same person.
One, because each shared the moment,
and in that instant all was clear.

Despite my nit-picking above, I really enjoyed this poem. The subtle interplay of images creates potent meaning; not to sound like a pot-smoking teenager, but it's totally deep, maaaan The precision of image is great; you make us see something as clearly as we would in a snapshot, then connect it to something else, and both help build a narrative. In short, I liked it. My critique is, of course, JMHO. Thanks for the read

[billy]

this version reads better than the cleave version.
for me there are some disconnects, i know what's being said but don't see how you get to that part. i think still has a way to go tom. it feels like it's trying hard to tell the story and in doing so, losing the heart of the thing. it is good to see you try a different style

I watched an old man taking pictures
mountains,trees and summer skies. something needs to connect this and the line above
I watched a child cry for attention;
screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes. here you us the semi colon, why not use it above as well ?
Which memory will last a lifetime?
Fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly,
turned his lens towards the sun; i hope he had a filter on
there on the pavement danced a circle,
ring of brightness, dancing fun. where did the circle come from? are these kids dancing?
Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear? where did they swap a tear

The infant chased the dodging day glow
laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of recall,
rising joy of happier days.
Old man too late to capture memories,
child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding.
The game was over, brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second,
boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment,
and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013
Original.
I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear?

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013

[ChristopherSea]

tectak, Your poem has a universal theme, while breezing in that small town aroma for me. In simile, it is like a chapter from Ray Bradbury’s ‘Dandelion Wine.’ There is great exchange between the very young and elderly in that wonderful novel. I loved the book and enjoyed this piece. I noticed that you may need a space between ‘,trees’ and you have an extra space between ‘, sobbing’ ; unless they are for pacing. Fading photos is somewhat common place, other choices: waning, pallid, diluted, weakened. Rheumy eyes is an intriguing choice, I assume the man is ill from the inference, but he could just be weary. The rhetoric queries do give pause, and you more than likely want us to consider them. I liked this contrast a great deal:
Old man too late to capture memories,
child too young to know that fear.

My favorite line (says the watercolor artist):
The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding.

It is nice to see folks editing their pieces in response to feedback. Some won't hear of it. However, do not delete this image! Cheers/Chris