I distinctly remember not liking the "-ed" endings on the verbs.
For me it's ugly.
//
Does this thing actually merit an audio?

(07-30-2013, 03:19 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  I distinctly remember not liking the "-ed" endings on the verbs.
For me it's ugly.
//
Does this thing actually merit an audio?

I do audios for everything, pretty much.
Do you mean /merit/ because it is brief?

Well I don't know what you actually think of this.

(07-30-2013, 03:29 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  Well I don't know what you actually think of this.

good point, it is in 'fun' so I usually don't really go the critique route, I only brought it up at all because that one spot gave me so much difficulty.

I think the poem is good. If it were in critique, I would make the one suggestion (switch to active voice) and then just comment that while your line breaks are fine, there are opportunities to build more tension with them.

How do we build tension?

(07-30-2013, 03:50 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  How do we build tension?

well, it's a short poem so you don't want to overdo it, maybe just a couple . .

I only remember summer nights this one is actually quite good
because that's when rain would pummel I would use this to create tension
my town - birth steam fogs out of manholes,
create lakes in neighbors' driveways so large-- I would most likely change 'so large' to something else
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.

the rest I like, but, like I said, most of these are just personal preferences.

I'll go ahead and workshop this tomorrow.
I'm not feeling mentally creative tonight.

(07-30-2013, 04:20 PM)newsclippings Wrote:  I'll go ahead and workshop this tomorrow.
I'm not feeling mentally creative tonight.

no pressure.

Cool. I like it better.