I only remember summer nights
when rain battered
my town - birthed steam fogs out of manholes,
built lakes from driveways, blinking--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.
-------- Right-o, changed some words because I like them better tonight.
I only remember summer nights
because that's when rain would pummel my town,
birth steam fogs out of manholes,
create lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Alternate version:
I only remember summer nights
because that's when rain pummeled my town,
birthed steam fogs out of manholes,
created lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.
(07-01-2013, 12:05 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]I only remember summer nights
because that's when rain would pummel my town,
birth steam fogs out of manholes,
create lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.
I like the first part of this. After stomp you seem to lose the rhythm for a moment in a way that could be good or bad it is a case of two stressed syllables or something like that. My linguistics are iffy. If I had written this piece I would elaborate on the puddles that you loved to splash in they could become an extended metaphor. Not a bad read.
i like the imagery of a child braving the cold streaming night of a industrial carnival. it seems to me that the carousel symbolizes and an escape from man made industry that pollutes. to extent the symbolism i would suggest the carousel is the catch 22 (if i used that term right) still made made, but made to offer and illusion, an escape from man.
I love the imagery. Am I being too picky to suggest "I only remember summer nights" as quite general to represent a constant reminder of rain, since temps are fairly dry and constant....maybe late spring or mid autumn?. But hey, it's your memory.
. "Birth" steam is interesting. It's leaving me guessing all possible things.
(07-01-2013, 12:05 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]I only remember summer nights
because that's when rain would pummel my town,
birth steam fogs out of manholes,
create lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.
;-) so you switched now from miscelleaneous to fun? ;-)
I am tooo stoned (and rightly so) to care bout typos.
If poems were sweeties ...
this one wins high time
great!
thank you
serge
Warning I've got a few drinks in me, but I really am interested to see you develop the idea of a kid who can't resist splashing in puddles.
I thought I'd change from dark and ambivalent to nostalgic and sweet.
I don't plan on developing the poem. It is what it is.
(07-02-2013, 10:23 AM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]I thought I'd change from dark and ambivalent to nostalgic and sweet.
I don't plan on developing the poem. It is what it is.
you can always write something new or read more poetry
Sweet and childish can always be juxtaposed with the crushing realities of unflinching life
You're preaching to the choir, kiddo.
"I don't plan on developing the poem. It is what it is."
Haha!
cheers!
from your poem I will loan:
carousellin blue-light delights
(suminT om will nevuh evuh get ...)
(it is too late to protest cuz
I just state the fact.
cheers
;-)
I
(07-01-2013, 12:05 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]I only remember summer nights
because that's when rain would pummel my town,
birth steam fogs out of manholes,
create lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
kick road to the carnival.
I kept reading that it should be 'creates' as I read 'steam' as the antecedent. I suppose it is rain but, syntactically you have created something strange.
birth steam fogs
yep, that is it.
does rain birth steam fogs?
or does birth-steam fog?
if it is the prior, then it should be births, if it is the latter than it should be creates.
Why does it have to be creates?
you can birth a steam fog, I think. But pluralizing the verb now, mer.
Can you birth babies?
[To give birth to] fogs.
Birth fogs.
My head is splintered with old English grammar rules.
I know you're supposed to match up the verb with the object in terms of plurality, but "births" is a weird word.
(07-30-2013, 02:38 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]Why does it have to be creates?
you can birth a steam fog, I think. But pluralizing the verb now, mer.
Can you birth babies?
it wouldn't, because it is a list of what rain does, but your antecedent is separated from your verb by an indefinite clause which creates a syntactic slap. The confusion arises (just for me most likely) with the odd phrase:
birth steam fogs
because every one of them could be a noun or a verb and any of them as a noun would need "creates" I end up trying to decipher it.
meh, like I said, the problem is most likely just mine, felt like pointing it out anyway.
I didn't like the edit because it didn't make sense to me. So I got rid of it.
(07-30-2013, 02:58 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]I didn't like the edit because it didn't make sense to me. So I got rid of it.
I didn't even see an edit but I think hyphenating "steam-fogs" would clear up a bit of confusion at least for me.
Mostly because "rain would birth steam fogs."
"Rain would births steam fogs" dudn't go.
And I already used "create" once.
(07-30-2013, 03:00 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]Mostly because "rain would birth steam fogs."
"Rain would births steam fogs" dudn't go.
And I already used "create" once.
did you consider active voice? -
I only remember summer nights
because that's when rain pummeled my town,
birthed steam fogs out of manholes,
created lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--
I couldn't help but stomp, splash,
I don't remember if I did to begin with.
"created lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--"
>>It adds another syllable. I don't actually think I'm bothered by it, but maybe I was when I initially wrote it.
Do you like saying "birthed" out loud?
(07-30-2013, 03:06 PM)newsclippings Wrote: [ -> ]I don't remember if I did to begin with.
"created lakes in neighbors' driveways so large--"
>>It adds another syllable. I don't actually think I'm bothered by it, but maybe I was when I initially wrote it.
Do you like saying "birthed" out loud?
I can do an audio for it if you would like.
I think the strength gained though /pummeled/ over "would pummel" is worth not liking birthed.
I do like the new version better because (I am biased?) it reads right through without confusion, it is obvious without the need for a hyphen, but, like I said, maybe let someone else weigh in as no one else had a problem with it before.
(out of your 3 pictures I like this one the best so far as you seem happy about something so I feel like you are agreeing even when you are not)