A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced,
in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass?
The crudely drawn man on one of the boards,
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,
might as well be chicken scratch on a cave wall,
by an artist who soon, in the open, will die.
I want to cry, but won't.

The poem seems pretty fine to me.
If I was making it, I would have added a 'too',

by an artist who soon will die in the open too.
I want to cry, but won't.

Or something like that.
Just to be vulgar and chicken scratchy.

It seems fine with me, the four times I read it.

The title is just too teenage goth-girl poetry to pass. I almost didn't read it at all just because of the title.

(07-29-2013, 02:45 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced,

this is just scene-setting and as such is just too inefficient. boards is mentioned twice. Defaced seem the wrong word.

in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk.

"laced with silence" is nice, probably the best line in the poem. As such, "empty" is just superfluous and detracts rather than adds.


What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass?

The grammatical construct of this sentence is odd., it feels awkward to say it. The abstraction in such a short poem is overwhelming. We have darkness, silence, beauty, times and now "painfully beautiful" which is not technically abstract but telly, but it points at abstraction.

The crudely drawn man on one of the boards,
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,

"farce" "masculinity" here is more abstraction and it is all too telly. We need images and specifics. Again we have boards. There must be some way to shore all of this up more elegantly. I literally cannot even imagine what the "farce" is that is written, not a single one comes to mind about reclaiming masculinity and I have see a lot of graffiti

might as well be a chicken scratch on a cave wall,

chicken scratch is cliche. Also, once again, it is subtractive. It is not contrasting any other presentation, so what in truth does it add?

by an artist who soon, in the open, will die.

"might as well" is very weak wording.

I want to cry, but won't.

this ending is just tacked on bathos. Why does your narrator want to cry? Does your narrator always cry at graffiti and boarded up buildings?

In its current state it feels very "draftish". I think you have an idea what you want to communicate but I don't think the vehicle is doing the job it should.

Thanks for posting.

Thank you for your feedback, rowens and milo I see what you mean about "farce", milo. I'm surprised that no-one commented on that vagueness when I published this elsewhere. In real life (this poem is based on a piece of graffiti I saw) the line was something like "to all downtrodden men, reclaim your masculinity, it's what women want". The repetition of "board" was deliberate; when I wrote this I'd been reading free verse poems by D. H. Lawrence, who uses repetition a lot.

(07-29-2013, 03:52 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  Thank you for your feedback, rowens and milo I see what you mean about "farce", milo. I'm surprised that no-one commented on that vagueness when I published this elsewhere. In real life (this poem is based on a piece of graffiti I saw) the line was something like "to all downtrodden men, reclaim your masculinity, it's what women want". The repetition of "board" was deliberate; when I wrote this I'd been reading free verse poems by D. H. Lawrence, who uses repetition a lot.

I actually use repetition a ton, it is one of my favorite devices. Repetition is a double-edged sword, though, sometimes it adds by strengthening a concept and sometimes it detracts by reading as redundant. I didn't feel the repetition added to the meaning in this piece which is why I mentioned it, but I don't want to discount repetition as a device!

The repetition probably was redundant here, because I was using it simply to use a device rather than support a meaning.

(07-29-2013, 02:45 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced,
in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk. this doesn't reel say anything, it sounds like stage notes in a play. Was that your intention? Also, there its no action on the subject. It's neither passive or active.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass?
The crudely drawn man on one of the boards,
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,
might as well be a chicken scratch on a cave wall,
by an artist who soon, in the open, will die.
I want to cry, but won't.

Is this ephrastic, or is it a critique? I think you should decide, and choose your voice accordingly.

The question posed in the first line doesn't say its painfully beautiful, and I'm unsure if you're addressing yourself, or someone else. It seems a critique on modern art, and the question could be posed to the artist, but we are given no details to form our own opinion, aside from your feeling that the statement is farce.

I think that you are probably meaning for this to be a meditation in a piece of art, but this its unclear.

I hope that helps.

Thanks for sharing

(07-29-2013, 02:45 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced,
boards is used twice in the first two lines.
Maybe "A boarded-up building, its plywood defaced"
in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass?
not really getting these three lines, it just seems awkward.
The crudely drawn man on one of the boards,
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,
might as well be a chicken scratch on a cave wall,
chicken scratch has been used over and over, maybe another word?
by an artist who soon, in the open, will die.
I want to cry, but won't.

I dont see a great deal wrong with it except the three lines I mentioned that just seem awkward to me in the poem.

Thank you for your thoughtful critiques, trueenigma and R. C. Kitchens

trueenigma - I had to look up ephrastic The poem, to me, isn't a description of an art piece but just an attempt to describe a feeling caused by a sight. It's addressing no-one except the reader. Your "stage notes" observation is intriguing; it probably says a lot about how I establish settings in my poems I didn't mean the first verse to look like stage notes, but I can certainly see how they could be read as such.

R. C. Kitchens - The repetition was intentional, though I like your "plywood" suggestion.

(07-29-2013, 02:45 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced, This is the third poem I've read where the author uses the same word (or some derivation of it) in two consecutive lines. Knock it off or I'm going to call Nicki Minaj for copyright.
in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass? What kind of question is this? I like the pictures in my head, I just don't understand the question you're posing.
The crudely drawn man on one of the boards, more boards?
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,
might as well be a chicken scratch on a cave wall, Perhaps you should remove "a" before "chicken scratch"
by an artist who soon, in the open, will die. Wut?
I want to cry, but won't. There's nothing to cry about. Time passes. Artists die. I don't really like how you added in "in the open" -- it's a kitschy scene if you ask me.

I liked some lines, but I don't think this is your best work.

Thank you for your thoughtful critique, newsclippings I'll remove "a" before "chicken scratch" in a moment, because I like the effect that creates. The repetition was deliberate, but I take your point about Nicki Minaj. I don't want to be a "nappy headed hoe"

Hahahaha. Sorry if this came off as rude. I just know I've read fantastic stuff from you.

It didn't come off as rude at all, just helpfully honest and funny

(07-29-2013, 02:45 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced,
in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass? I think this part is pulled off really effectively. It's something of a shame that the description above and below these lines isn't clearer, so as to better demonstrate the point you make so well explicitly here.
The crudely drawn man on one of the boards,
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,
might as well be chicken scratch on a cave wall,
by an artist who soon, in the open, will die.
I want to cry, but won't.

Also, (and I know excessive critique of titles can be irritating, but) I'm not keen on the title. Titles that are entirely abstract (by which I mean abstract in a formal sense, not abstract as in vague) I always find are a bit lazy; would it not be better to use something that tries to encapsulate this idea rather than state it outright in this way?

hi jack. no line by from me.

the poem in general feels very wordy and needs something for the reader to latch on to.
the whole 1st stanza
says;

a derelict house
at dusk
with beauty in the title and beautiful on the 4th line of such a short poem weakens the poem too much. i'd suggest changing the title.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass?

what is the above actually saying? i think the poem needs a lot of work. i have no suggestions on how to go about an edit, for which i'm sorry. you know i often say, "this is one of your best" this time i can only say "this one isn't" it has a spark where you mention the dying artist, but it's a dim one.

thanks for the read

(07-29-2013, 02:45 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  A boarded-up building,
its boards defaced,
in an empty street laced with silence
at dusk.

What is so painfully beautiful about this,
as the sinking sun assures ancient times
that this time too will pass?
The crudely drawn man on one of the boards,
beside some farce about reclaiming masculinity,
might as well be chicken scratch on a cave wall,
by an artist who soon, in the open, will die.
I want to cry, but won't.

Thank you for your helpful and insightful feedback, Billy

I still think the poem itself reflects the subject, and does a good job of it. It's a hackneyed, plaintive, tired sentimentalist ring to it. But it highlights those types of thoughts and feelings that people do have.

"by an artist who soon, in the open, will die",

might go too far out of frame. But I already mentioned my crude version of that line.

Plus, I know better than to think you'd pick a trite title like this lightly. So there's more to it than what its flaws suggest. But that's what I see.