LETS WRITE A POEM ABOUT,

[Bunx]

Monkeys, so you sucked me in with your cute
banana throw. Oh the woes of sure white snow.

"You, mean you're talking about snow monkeys?" she said
with a glance from across the room.

"Um, no just monkeys," I said holding my breath like
a hoover vacuum. Why do I have to explain.
A monkey is just a monkey and a refrain is just so.

There my mom goes down the hoover hall.
"Lets go! To the mall, then I shall call a friend."
Mom mom said with a smirk on her lips.

Stop smirking mom, I thought. Before I quit
this shopping spree. All I wish is a cup of tea.
And some jelly on the side. Ah, Immortal Jellyfish.

Immortal? Jellyphish, ah ha sounds band namey. Heart
pumps veins in my arm. Oh my gosh here we go. Time
to rock the jellyfish glow.

[cidermaid]

Bunx, on my second read and I'm loving this one. I will be back to give it some more reads tommorow and hope to have some crit to offer you.
Quick question S4 is Mom mom intentional? (it could well be, it works but just checking because it keeps making me pause to think on it)

[Bunx]

yea mom mom was for meter! thats alot cider maid!

[Bunx]

the girl however is a random girl at the coffee shop

[Bunx]

fogg, thanks a ton for the edit! and the veins pump i am trying to get across that imagery, blood pumps in my veins could work better. part of my poems (i hope) have the relaxing effect! thanks for all the great comments

[tectak]

Monkeys, so you sucked me in with your cute
banana throw. Oh the woes of sure white snow.

"You, mean your talking about snow monkeys?" she said
with a glace from across the room.

"Um, no just monkeys," I said holding my breath like
a hoover vacuum. Why do I have to explain.
A monkey is just a monkey and a refrain is just so.

There my mom goes down the hoover hall.
"Lets go! To the mall, then I shall call a friend."
Mom mom said with a smirk on her lips.

Stop smirking mom, I thought. Before I quit
this shopping spree. All I wish is a cup of tea.
And some jelly on the side. Ah, Immortal Jellyfish.

Immortal? Jellyphish, ah ha sounds band namey. Veins
pump in my arm. Oh my gosh here we go. Time
to rock the jellyfish glow.

I like William S. Burrows-ish style of absurdity in this. Some of the wordplay is clever.

A few spelling and punctuation corrections are needed:

"You, mean you're talking about snow monkeys?" she said
with a glance from across the room.

"Um, no just monkeys," I said holding my breath like
a hoover vacuum. Why do I have to explain?
A monkey is just a monkey and a refrain is just so.

"Lets go! To the mall, then I shall call a friend,"
Mom mom said with a smirk on her lips.

Also, a few of the images are odd. That is not a deal breaker though, because the whole piece is wonderfully askew anyway. But I will point them out:

..holding my breath like
a hoover vacuum..

It seems contradictory. Maybe that is what you intended.

..Veins
pump in my arm..

Blood pumps. Veins do not pump.

Overall, I like this whimsical poem. I figured out that I don't have to work too hard..just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Clever quip coming. Just here?...OK
Blood don't pump;
veins don't pump;
arteries, capillaries and
for that matter hairs, don't pump;
fingernails and follicles, they don't pump;
nor teeth, or liver, kideys, spleens
they don't pump.
A heart does.

[Bunx]

thanks tech. i said heart in the poem. i am not one for biology or science really.

---

i do like your comment. alot d-_-b

[heslopian]

Monkeys, so you sucked me in with your cute
banana throw. Cute and amusing line, from "Monkeys" to "throw". Oh the woes of sure white snow.

"You, mean you're talking about snow monkeys?" she said Who is "she"?
with a glance from across the room.

"Um, no just monkeys," I said holding my breath like
a hoover vacuum. Nice simile. A hoover naturally hoovers when it's on, so holding its breath would be exceedingly difficult, which evokes a struggling for self-control in your narrator. Why do I have to explain.
A monkey is just a monkey and a refrain is just so.

There my mom goes down the hoover hall.
"Lets go! To the mall, then I shall call a friend." This line feels incredibly contrived. I assume that you're going for internal rhyme ("hall", "mall", "call") but any pleasing rhythm which that might create is nullified by the dialogue's sheer awkwardness. I'm aware that no-one speaks like this in real life, which pulls me out of the poem.
Mom mom said with a smirk on her lips. Is "mom" meant to be repeated here?

Stop smirking mom, I thought. Before I quit
this shopping spree. What shopping spree? So far as I know, neither character is at the mall yet. All I wish is a cup of tea.
And some jelly on the side. Ah, Immortal Jellyfish.

Immortal? Jellyphish, ah ha sounds band namey. Heart
pumps veins in my arm. Oh my gosh here we go. Time
to rock the jellyfish glow.

The poem is very surreal. I found it hard to critique a lot of it because I didn't know what it was trying to say, and I didn't want to keep repeating "what does this mean?" It is, however, somewhat charming in its batshit insanity. It's like something a precocious, intelligent child would write while trying to sort the thousands of thoughts streaming through his head. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read

[Bunx]

Luke. yes this poem is pretty nonsense.
mom mom is intentional. and im glad for pciked on the tone i gave my (mother) she does love the phone. and is often very contrived. thanks for the read and the advise!