It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
From branches slowly shedding organs meant
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

In every day a morning dew with mirth
Like dawn will dry throughout with moistness spent.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth.

Ephemeral, scenes will briefly blush a Dearth
Of dying color. Naked limbs are bent
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

The wooden steps that sit before the church
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth.

The leaves that crunch beneath go through rebirth
and turn to dust again in their descent.
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

As drying leaves that fell from trees the curse
Of fate will brittle bones when time is spent.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

(07-17-2013, 02:30 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
From branches slowly shedding organs meant
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth. The leaves are the organs? I'm not sure what the "fluids of birth" are, but I think that they're connected to the leaves, whose shedding is being compared to birth.

In every day a morning dew with mirth
Like dawn will dry throughout with moistness spent. There's a lot going on in these two lines, which is a recurrent theme throughout the poem. You're clearly forcing your syntax to fit the structure. It's okay to be a bit looser with form, like this villanelle: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=10338
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth. This refrain doesn't do much for me. It's not bad, but it's not very striking or unique, either. It's just a bit "meh".

Ephemeral, scenes will briefly blush a Dearth Why is "dearth" capitalised? I really like "blush" in this line, as well as its adjective "briefly". The alliteration and sense of shame "blush" evokes, coupled with "dying" in the next line, is deeply effective.
Of dying color. Naked limbs are bent
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth. My second reading of this refrain increases my appreciation of it. It makes me think of a tender midwife cleaning up after a birthing.

The wooden steps that sit before the church
Have leafy blankets from the descent. Great couple of lines. "Wooden steps" and "church" evoke Middle Age religion, while "leafy blankets" has a vaguely pagan feel.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth.

The leaves that crunch beneath go through rebirth
and turn to dust again in their descent. Another great couple of lines. The reincarnation theme is elegantly handled.
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth.

As drying leaves that fell from trees the curse
Of fate will brittle bones when time is spent. Is there a word missing before "brittle" in this line, or is "brittle" being used as a verb?
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth.

Some very good, subtle lines, and an overall sense of majestic sunlit calm, distinguish this poem. It could do with a stronger initial refrain and a lot of smoothing, as the lines feel tortured into shape at times, but it's a really good go at a villanelle. Thank you for the read

a great effort brownlie, the refrain [To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.] feels forced and a little awkward. a suggestion if you use autm leaves would be something like.
the autumn leaves lay rusting in the earth
or rusting on the earth.

though even then i'm not sure it's any better.

thanks for the read.

(07-17-2013, 02:30 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth very cliche
From branches slowly shedding organs meant
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

In every day a morning dew with mirth
Like dawn will dry throughout with moistness spent.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth.

Ephemeral, scenes will briefly blush a Dearth i struggled with this line,
Of dying color. Naked limbs are bent for me, this is the best line of the poem, it is a great image without any enforced poetics.
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

The wooden steps that sit before the church
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth.

The leaves that crunch beneath go through rebirth
and turn to dust again in their descent. why the same word as a rhyme here
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

As drying leaves that fell from trees the curse does it need a comma after trees?
Of fate will brittle bones when time is spent.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
To catch the sun that dries a sodden birth.

Thanks for the comments, I'll call this one practice I suppose.

don't be so despondent, try and do an edit, (i'll be editing one of mine today ) if you don't feel up to it know, come back to it in a week or two. the great thing is that you're trying to achieve something. most of the my remarks while seeming large are actually smaller points than you think,.

for instance, if you fix a refrain you fix 5 or six lines if you get two refrains that work well that's two thirds of the poem that are done well. constructive feedback can make a poet feel like shit, just stick with it because the pay off is worth it, i'm still waiting for my pay off but i really am expecting it to be worth it

I really like the overall feel of the piece. It makes me long for my New England home in the Autumn. The last stanza brings it home nicely, connecting our fate with the fate of the leaves. I was also pleased by the imagery of the church steps. I guess the first line is a bit cliche, but it works.

(07-17-2013, 10:12 AM)billy Wrote:  don't be so despondent, try and do an edit, (i'll be editing one of mine today ) if you don't feel up to it know, come back to it in a week or two. the great thing is that you're trying to achieve something. most of the my remarks while seeming large are actually smaller points than you think,.

for instance, if you fix a refrain you fix 5 or six lines if you get two refrains that work well that's two thirds of the poem that are done well. constructive feedback can make a poet feel like shit, just stick with it because the pay off is worth it, i'm still waiting for my pay off but i really am expecting it to be worth it

Thanks Billy, I look forward to reading your edit.

---

(07-17-2013, 09:22 AM)Heslopian Wrote:  

(07-17-2013, 02:30 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
From branches slowly shedding organs meant
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth. The leaves are the organs? I'm not sure what the "fluids of birth" are, but I think that they're connected to the leaves, whose shedding is being compared to birth.

In every day a morning dew with mirth
Like dawn will dry throughout with moistness spent. There's a lot going on in these two lines, which is a recurrent theme throughout the poem. You're clearly forcing your syntax to fit the structure. It's okay to be a bit looser with form, like this villanelle: http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchi...emId=10338
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth. This refrain doesn't do much for me. It's not bad, but it's not very striking or unique, either. It's just a bit "meh".

Ephemeral, scenes will briefly blush a Dearth Why is "dearth" capitalised? I really like "blush" in this line, as well as its adjective "briefly". The alliteration and sense of shame "blush" evokes, coupled with "dying" in the next line, is deeply effective.
Of dying color. Naked limbs are bent
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth. My second reading of this refrain increases my appreciation of it. It makes me think of a tender midwife cleaning up after a birthing.

The wooden steps that sit before the church
Have leafy blankets from the descent. Great couple of lines. "Wooden steps" and "church" evoke Middle Age religion, while "leafy blankets" has a vaguely pagan feel.
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth.

The leaves that crunch beneath go through rebirth
and turn to dust again in their descent. Another great couple of lines. The reincarnation theme is elegantly handled.
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth.

As drying leaves that fell from trees the curse
Of fate will brittle bones when time is spent. Is there a word missing before "brittle" in this line, or is "brittle" being used as a verb?
It’s autumn, leaves are falling down to Earth
To catch the sun that dries the fluids of birth.

Some very good, subtle lines, and an overall sense of majestic sunlit calm, distinguish this poem. It could do with a stronger initial refrain and a lot of smoothing, as the lines feel tortured into shape at times, but it's a really good go at a villanelle. Thank you for the read

Great comments thanks for your time.