Villanelle rewrite

[Brownlie]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

[billy]

do you have the original we can compare it to or do you just want us to give this one feedback

[tectak]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

Hi browlie,
Look, I just don't know how to say this politely...but my scientific background, whilst allowing wholheartedly the excesses of poetic licence, just cannot take the "...white light atoms through a prism". Sorry, but you see, light is a form of electro-magnetic radiation which in its conventional existence is made up of "photons"....most definitively NOT atoms. On my more poetic level I cannot get sense out of "Carpe diem must have seized the leaves." I'm sorry, but it reads as though you have just seen Carpe diem used somewhere and stuck it in...it really is just not applicable in this context.
Similarly, (god, I hate myself sometimes), do you know what a Catechism is? I mean, a Catechism is not sittable in front of...no matter HOW much you want it to be.
Leaves do not bloom.
How DO you burn a spasm?
How do you mean to use portents?
1. An indication of something important or calamitous about to occur; an omen.
2. Prophetic or threatening significance: signs full of portent.
3. Something amazing or marvelous; a prodigy.
...so how does a portent fall down?

No to this. Keep it within your grasp. There is NOTHING better than simple skill, there is nothing worse than complex failure. You need to keep a grip on the true meaning of words and how, whilst remaining true, you can bend them into your writing. Of course, some would argue, a word can mean anything you, the wordsmith, forces it to mean. Fine. Fire up the charcoal, pump the bellows, hammer and bend away...but when you look at what you have made by contorting the beautiful words don't expect everyone to agree on what constitutes a worthy effort.
Keep experimenting, by all means. Concept is all...but just keep it clean and keep it mean.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

Hi browlie,
Look, I just don't know how to say this politely...but my scientific background, whilst allowing wholheartedly the excesses of poetic licence, just cannot take the "...white light atoms through a prism". Sorry, but you see, light is a form of electro-magnetic radiation which in its conventional existence is made up of "photons"....most definitively NOT atoms. On my more poetic level I cannot get sense out of "Carpe diem must have seized the leaves." I'm sorry, but it reads as though you have just seen Carpe diem used somewhere and stuck it in...it really is just not applicable in this context.
Similarly, (god, I hate myself sometimes), do you know what a Catechism is? I mean, a Catechism is not sittable in front of...no matter HOW much you want it to be.
Leaves do not bloom.
How DO you burn a spasm?
How do you mean to use portents?
1. An indication of something important or calamitous about to occur; an omen.
2. Prophetic or threatening significance: signs full of portent.
3. Something amazing or marvelous; a prodigy.
...so how does a portent fall down?

No to this. Keep it within your grasp. There is NOTHING better than simple skill, there is nothing worse than complex failure. You need to keep a grip on the true meaning of words and how, whilst remaining true, you can bend them into your writing. Of course, some would argue, a word can mean anything you, the wordsmith, forces it to mean. Fine. Fire up the charcoal, pump the bellows, hammer and bend away...but when you look at what you have made by contorting the beautiful words don't expect everyone to agree on what constitutes a worthy effort.
Keep experimenting, by all means. Concept is all...but just keep it clean and keep it mean.
Best,
tectak

well you have some good points. The blooming leaves were supposed to be metaphorical. They change quickly and flash in beautiful bright colors before falling and turning into dried husks on the ground that get crunched under foot by people who loved the colors. It is like a prism because light changes color I think when it passes through a prism. You know science better than I though. A portent is a sign of a possible future. Atom is sort of being used as a pun because Adam went through the fall of man but with that I am just attempting to add another layer of meaning. Challenging comment thank you

[milo]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

"leaves of spring" = spring leaves uninverted. That it is in a refrain is going to create a painful journey for some. (me) Why are these leaves "bloooming" in the wrong season? I thought that this might be your central metaphor, but it is never developed if it is. The second refrain suffers from many problems. "White light atoms"(??!) Atoms falling? And the comparison of leaves to atoms is just . . . not good.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Why are we describing leaves as "combustible (unnecessary). Your meter just took a leap into infinity. How does one burn a passionate spasm? You can't burn a spasm. I would recommend never using the word "ephemeral" in a poem again. "Bursts of vibrancy? You are trying to build an abstraction pyramid? What is an ephemeral burst of vibrancy? You refrain is just tacked on here, neither strengthening nor "turning".

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

I wish "Stardom" was the name of a car, I could have so much fun here. "bursting starts of blonde and red" is actually" red and blonde bursting stars". Your are overmodifying everything. These stars "went falling down". Does that read syntactically correct to you? I am going to stop after this stanza.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The images are inconsistent, inaccurate and often incoherent. The syntax and wording are tortured to fit the villanelle form and then they don't fit it anyway.

A villanelle needs to be an elegant progression of naturally occurring refrains and this doesn't so that. Try to say what you want to say first, then let it fall into place rather than twisting and torturing the words so much.

Thanks for posting.

[Brownlie]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

"leaves of spring" = spring leaves uninverted. That it is in a refrain is going to create a painful journey for some. (me) Why are these leaves "bloooming" in the wrong season? I thought that this might be your central metaphor, but it is never developed if it is. The second refrain suffers from many problems. "White light atoms"(??!) Atoms falling? And the comparison of leaves to atoms is just . . . not good.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Why are we describing leaves as "combustible (unnecessary). Your meter just took a leap into infinity. How does one burn a passionate spasm? You can't burn a spasm. I would recommend never using the word "ephemeral" in a poem again. "Bursts of vibrancy? You are trying to build an abstraction pyramid? What is an ephemeral burst of vibrancy? You refrain is just tacked on here, neither strengthening nor "turning".

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

I wish "Stardom" was the name of a car, I could have so much fun here. "bursting starts of blonde and red" is actually" red and blonde bursting stars". Your are overmodifying everything. These stars "went falling down". Does that read syntactically correct to you? I am going to stop after this stanza.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The images are inconsistent, inaccurate and often incoherent. The syntax and wording are tortured to fit the villanelle form and then they don't fit it anyway.

A villanelle needs to be an elegant progression of naturally occurring refrains and this doesn't so that. Try to say what you want to say first, then let it fall into place rather than twisting and torturing the words so much.

Thanks for posting.

Oof, you're a tough crowd but in this case I'd have to agree with you. Glad your back buddy. I fear you tether to axioms too dearly Milo. Just being a fool right now.

[milo]

Not perfect in my opinion, but I could use some insight from people who browse this part of the forum. Not trying to waste anyone's time.

Fall:

Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
When green, the leaves absorb the sun that’s sent
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

"leaves of spring" = spring leaves uninverted. That it is in a refrain is going to create a painful journey for some. (me) Why are these leaves "bloooming" in the wrong season? I thought that this might be your central metaphor, but it is never developed if it is. The second refrain suffers from many problems. "White light atoms"(??!) Atoms falling? And the comparison of leaves to atoms is just . . . not good.

Combustible leaves quickly burn a passionate spasm.
Ephemeral bursts of vibrancy are spent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

Why are we describing leaves as "combustible (unnecessary). Your meter just took a leap into infinity. How does one burn a passionate spasm? You can't burn a spasm. I would recommend never using the word "ephemeral" in a poem again. "Bursts of vibrancy? You are trying to build an abstraction pyramid? What is an ephemeral burst of vibrancy? You refrain is just tacked on here, neither strengthening nor "turning".

Tourists come to see leaves in their dying stardom.
The bursting stars of blonde and red that went
Falling down as white light atoms through a prism.

I wish "Stardom" was the name of a car, I could have so much fun here. "bursting starts of blonde and red" is actually" red and blonde bursting stars". Your are overmodifying everything. These stars "went falling down". Does that read syntactically correct to you? I am going to stop after this stanza.

Cement steps that sit before the catechism
Have leafy blankets from the descent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.

On ground the burned out stars sit post-mortem.
The stiffened dead crunch under feet as portents
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The bursting color surges quickly. Carpe diem
Must have seized the leaves, they must have been hell-bent.
Olive colored leaves of spring bloom in autumn.
That fell down as white light atoms through a prism.

The images are inconsistent, inaccurate and often incoherent. The syntax and wording are tortured to fit the villanelle form and then they don't fit it anyway.

A villanelle needs to be an elegant progression of naturally occurring refrains and this doesn't so that. Try to say what you want to say first, then let it fall into place rather than twisting and torturing the words so much.

Thanks for posting.

Oof, you're a tough crowd but in this case I'd have to agree with you. Glad your back buddy. I fear you tether to axioms too dearly Milo. Just being a fool right now.

if you fear I tether to axioms . . . you must have just joined this forum.