Thanks for reading. I got drunk and read this and it sounded shitty don't be afraid to give me your real opinion lol... This is about auditory hallucinations that I had of a woman speaking to me.

Delusion of love:


I hear my dreams coming and I am falling into the whispers
A bed of empty signals
They are like shadows that dart the corner of one’s eyes
Musing on what these mysterious sounds could be; the mind can conceive of anything.
So as I begin to hallucinate;
I’ll start to hear a siren sing.

Sing to me, siren, and sing, until I crash against the jagged cliffs.
Sing in the sibilance of waves.
Lull me into dreams with your white noise rhythm,
Sing your myths to me.
I shall paw at the air and feel the ephemeral friction of the wind against my hand.

Your silhouette is in the distance siren.
And this vague form of a woman is enough for me to form my fantasies
Each note that I wish true tenders forgotten sundry dreams.

And now my blood is free from wounds crusted over.
Wet blood trickles forth from a dry scab.
The fresh blood is brighter than the maroon of its dried counterpart.
I am naively raw to the pain and joy that the scabs had previously sealed away.
A dam is broken and jubilant effusions flow forth
Tottering tears oscillating between joy and depression

The siren draws me to a cliff
And as I crash I am reminded of the unyielding nature of stone.
Flesh must now begin the process of mending itself
Toughening and deafening itself
There will be other sirens
singing songs to skin away the dried up blood and pick again this wound anew.
All sweet songs will soon sound as jagged cliffs.

And these words are just a text referring to some meaning for you.
These whispers are empty signifiers that are simply auditory data.
It’s another faculty that transforms sensory data into meaning.

I read this twice, and it was better the second time. A few punctuation details may have been a little off; if you haven't sorted them out by the time I'm back, I can look into that stuff further.

The first time I read it, I read the last line:

It’s another faculty that destroys sensory data into meaning.

I liked that, but that's not what it says.

I like it anyway. And'll see what happens whan I get back.

(05-26-2013, 08:15 AM)rowens Wrote:  I read this twice, and it was better the second time. A few punctuation details may have been a little off; if you haven't sorted them out by the time I'm back, I can look into that stuff further.

The first time I read it, I read the last line:

It’s another faculty that destroys sensory data into meaning.

I liked that, but that's not what it says.

I like it anyway. And'll see what happens whan I get back.

If you've found some errors I would appreciate some help correcting them. From a scientific standpoint I suppose sensory data sort of retrogrades when we begin to interpret and even as our imagination might begin to warp objective reality. However, Hume wrote that "science should be a slave to the passions" so we might err from percieving what is actually occuring in reality (many would define reality in different ways) but the meanings we hold also provide comfort and joy to the experience of living a life. I thank you for reading my post.

I want to think about this for a while, and read it some more. The problems I was talking about was how you have punctuation in some places but not others. Sometimes you end sentences with periods, sometimes you don't. You use heavy punctuation: commas, semicolons and periods in some parts of the poem. Then you don't use very much, so it seems inconsistent. Especially comparing the first stanza to the third and fifth. I don't mean the "Delusion of love" line, if you count that as the first stanza.

I sometimes like to start each of my lines with a capital letter, but that depends on certain things. I know that when you type on one of those auto-correct things, they make the lines begin with capital letters; what do you prefer? To leave them that way?

(05-26-2013, 06:46 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  Thanks for reading

Delusion of love:

I hear my dreams coming and I am falling into the whispers good description of something
A bed of empty signals that is quite difficult to describe
They are like shadows that dart the corner of one’s eyes
Musing on what these mysterious sounds could be; the mind can conceive of anything.
So as I begin to hallucinate;
I’ll start to hear a siren sing.

Sing to me, siren, and sing, until I crash against the jagged cliffs. This Stanza is where it gets going properly
Sing in the sibilance of waves. I like this line, it sounds like what it means to
Lull me into dreams with your white noise rhythm, and onwards from here I like the use of
Sing your myths to me. sounds to express the sea. Also different lengths of line help to reinforce the undulation of the waves
I shall paw at the air and feel the ephemeral friction of the wind against my hand. again this line and fffff is it called alliteration, sounds very good.

Your silhouette is in the distance siren.
And this vague form of a woman is enough for me to form my fantasies
Each note that I wish true tenders forgotten sundry dreams.

And now my blood is free from wounds crusted over.
Wet blood trickles forth from a dry scab.
The fresh blood is brighter than the maroon of its dried counterpart. And I really like this line for its detail
I am naively raw to the pain and joy that the scabs had previously sealed away.
A dam is broken and jubilant effusions flow forth
Tottering tears oscillating between joy and depression I'm not too sure about tottering tears, can tears totter?

The siren draws me to a cliff
And as I crash I am reminded of the unyielding nature of stone. True
Flesh must now begin the process of mending itself
Toughening and deafening itself
There will be other sirens
singing songs to skin away the dried up blood and pick again this wound anew.
All sweet songs will soon sound as jagged cliffs.

And these words are just a text referring to some meaning for you. I think this stanza is almost too technical in its description, although I know why you've done it, it just doesn't feel as poetic as the rest of the poem
These whispers are empty signifiers that are simply auditory data.
It’s another faculty that transforms sensory data into meaning.

Hi Brownlie,
I like the ideas that you express within this poem and the use of sounds at times is very good indeed. Also the alternating line length works well for the effect of being at sea. I also understand what you mean in the last stanza but feel that had it been said in the same manner as the first stanza it would of balanced the poem up nicely, but it does read in a very scientific way.
All in all though I enjoyed it and seeing as though this is the first time I've ever attempted a line by line review in serious critique I feel I should get out of here quick before anyone catches me. Thanks for the read, good stuff.
Cheers

(05-26-2013, 12:33 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  

(05-26-2013, 06:46 AM)Brownlie Wrote:  Thanks for reading

Delusion of love:

I hear my dreams coming and I am falling into the whispers good description of something
A bed of empty signals that is quite difficult to describe
They are like shadows that dart the corner of one’s eyes
Musing on what these mysterious sounds could be; the mind can conceive of anything.
So as I begin to hallucinate;
I’ll start to hear a siren sing.

Sing to me, siren, and sing, until I crash against the jagged cliffs. This Stanza is where it gets going properly
Sing in the sibilance of waves. I like this line, it sounds like what it means to
Lull me into dreams with your white noise rhythm, and onwards from here I like the use of
Sing your myths to me. sounds to express the sea. Also different lengths of line help to reinforce the undulation of the waves
I shall paw at the air and feel the ephemeral friction of the wind against my hand. again this line and fffff is it called alliteration, sounds very good.

Your silhouette is in the distance siren.
And this vague form of a woman is enough for me to form my fantasies
Each note that I wish true tenders forgotten sundry dreams.

And now my blood is free from wounds crusted over.
Wet blood trickles forth from a dry scab.
The fresh blood is brighter than the maroon of its dried counterpart. And I really like this line for its detail
I am naively raw to the pain and joy that the scabs had previously sealed away.
A dam is broken and jubilant effusions flow forth
Tottering tears oscillating between joy and depression I'm not too sure about tottering tears, can tears totter?

The siren draws me to a cliff
And as I crash I am reminded of the unyielding nature of stone. True
Flesh must now begin the process of mending itself
Toughening and deafening itself
There will be other sirens
singing songs to skin away the dried up blood and pick again this wound anew.
All sweet songs will soon sound as jagged cliffs.

And these words are just a text referring to some meaning for you. I think this stanza is almost too technical in its description, although I know why you've done it, it just doesn't feel as poetic as the rest of the poem
These whispers are empty signifiers that are simply auditory data.
It’s another faculty that transforms sensory data into meaning.

Hi Brownlie,
I like the ideas that you express within this poem and the use of sounds at times is very good indeed. Also the alternating line length works well for the effect of being at sea. I also understand what you mean in the last stanza but feel that had it been said in the same manner as the first stanza it would of balanced the poem up nicely, but it does read in a very scientific way.
All in all though I enjoyed it and seeing as though this is the first time I've ever attempted a line by line review in serious critique I feel I should get out of here quick before anyone catches me. Thanks for the read, good stuff.
Cheers

Scan the serious critique section more. I'm sure everyone will appreciate comments. Thank you for looking at my post.